Drugs n Buddhism

Yesterday at 00.07am UT was Equinox and a new start. I took a vow of celebacy for ... um ok only 2 weeks but its a start. Recentre my energy, n hope to come off these damn brain drugs! Love n sex.

The question is what is controlled by endorphins and what is not?

If endorphins are addictive? and love and sex are just addictions evolved to keep us in the biological running... what is life like outside the biological running?

To perceive the world from the standpoint of our own endorphin rushes seems hopelessly small minded and selfish.

Yet we seem to judge everything according to these. Is every feeling of love I have ever had just a selfish person endorphin rush?

Definitely not, but I can't tell the difference anymore. Love does not hurt. If someone u love turns away from u, it should not hurt - its just the come down from the endorphin high that hurts... or the ego who got psychologically stuck in the mirror trap (u r my refelction aren't u? and the mirror imagine raises its middle finger and we feel lost)

So i'm comin off the drugs and it breaks my heart because I invested everything in that path thinking it was the right way.

"My Muse" remains as a force beneath the level of emotion, I have no feelings anymore something far deeper i have no wolds. She was a true friend. It is not pain anymore, maybe that is the core of non-endorphin love?

It was the drugs: the adrenalines, the dopamines, the endorphines that messed it all up. It was perfect, but in reality she was not mu mirror. That I have still the learn because if she was then who was I?

I can't be her reflection, and she my reflection? Someone is the origin?

But there is no origin, because all is empty. All forms illusions.

The ego exists, the body exists, the drugs exist, everything exists. But the world is centred around none of it. There is no centre to the world, because everything is interconnected, the Whole is the Centre of the world, and the Centre is the Whole of the world.

I am coming off the drugs - this is my red pill to see the world free from the billions of years of evolution that have trapped me in this body, hopefully with a vision that extends beyond the sensual skin and eyes that are the walls of my prison.

The first thing I ever wrote my muse was a short piece about my prison. The bars on the prison window the staves whose tune I danced to with the sunset and the scents that drifted from the fields of freedom far away... and behind me was a blinding light down an angled corridor and I went to follow but that was the end of my reverie. She said that she knew exactly what I was talking about, and in that moment our friendship was forged forever.

I wonder if she went to the light. I was stuck in this prison, still am stuck in this prison, a prison which makes more and more sense to me as time goes on. Where did those words come from, it just came to me from no where, a January afternoon stream of consciousness.

I'm coming off the drugs.