X-Factor and personal attainment

There is no doubt that X-Factor is a superb picture because it gives us both a demonstration of one of the most sublime qualities of human beings which is music and inparticular our voice... and some of the voices and the control displayed are meditative in their depth and focus. It also gives us a direct insight into that human condition of desiring existentially... and by that I mean desiring to become something. Watching tonight I saw an aspect of myself in there. In exactly the same way as these people wish to express their music and become what they want to be, so I experienced this with "my muse". Exactly as they say that when singing nothing else mattres, and this is all they want; so I experienced with this girl. Nothing amazing there. But, its the knife on which my current decisions in life are based...

In my understanding of Buddha the source of suffering is this "trying to become" which is a futile process in a world that just as much is unbecoming. Never attaching to a moment in form is the only way to peace and freedom from suffering. So I've been on the road to try and undo this striving for existence, but it takes me in completely the opposite way to X-Factor and it seems wrong at the moment, but I continue to see where this goes. My disease is not singing but a strong desire for indian girls... a potent mental formation derived from my experience of satisfaction from food and philosophy from that region... which translated into what I thought would be satisfaction sexually... but deep down that enternal nagging thought that the philosophy actually teaches the complete opposite has been there and I have never found freedom from conflict between these two aspects.

I see recently more how our desires determine what we think. WE aim to be so impartial and noble in our thoughts, when really all along we are seeking self interest. These delusions driven by the desire of personal existence dominate the world of the ordinary folks. I guess I'm still there 100%.

p.s. I didn't die the other day, but had a sleepless night of heart palpitations! Put it down to too much tea.