The joy of freedom

My lab partner said to me that i am not ready to be a monk because i still have strong attachment to people.

I thought about that.

Sex is not such an issue anymore. We go to theme park as children and are enthralled by the various cartoon characters walking about. When we grow up we have a choice whether to be taken in by it, or just see people standing around in costumes. Sex is exactly the same. We can either get taken in by fetishisation of body parts, or we can just see it all as flesh with no different between hands and breasts.

Now the energy of sexual desire may bring us to do sex and that will bring meaning to various body parts so their sexual fetishisation comes from what they do.

But sexual energy can be diverted into love and higher expressions and so we can lose those habits and so not get drawn into physical expression.

Now their is nothing wrong with physical expression of sex. The problem is what happens if we don't get it? It creates suffering and that is because we are bound to it, and that means we are not liberated. Now just stopping having sex does little. The point is to investigate sex from the standpoint of liberation rather than the pursuit of desire.

Once the sexual desire and habit of viewing people as things to have sex with has weakened as I have started to find then their is a great cooling over all.

My lab partners question finally brought me to understand the full syndrome I have been in all my life.

As a child I used to get deeply unhappy when I parted with friends, especially girls but not always. A good day out where I had fun and excitement was always met by a sadness at home as I cooled down.

Now I don't get that with male friends, but I identify today that I get that especially strongly with girls I say I love.

Especially importantly, it is NOT the desire for sex which causes the problem. Rather it is a cocktail of other things which I analyse out next.

1) A guy at work turned a girl down once and now sees it as an opportunity lost. That is ego because he is viewing it as something to be gained or lost, which places him and his choice in the centre. Ego is the main issue. Looking at things from an ego perspective distorts them badly! Regarding "my muse" her fiancee has lost the most, and in a one way I have gained because no-one can have her now, but the other way i have lost a wonderful friend - its a bizarre situation when looked at in terms of gaining and losing.

2) The other important part is companionship. Often companionship between people of opposite sex is considered better than others because the sex is a binding force to bring people together. Bring up children must be the closest companionship there is, far ahead of socialising and working together. I never saw this before but sex is used to reinforce friendship. That was the reason for my jealousy and my leaving "my muse". It was not that others were having sex with her, so much as they must be having a closer friendship! She always ensured me we were best friends - but this is a complex situation I am trying again. Something in Platonic relationships i am sure.

These two things must be boiled out of the sexual desire and when that happens it is quite an easy cocktail to digest.

So the pointof this is that it is close companionship that I am attached too and not sex!! "My muse" being as beautiful and talented as she was was actually of interest because I believed we belong together! it is that bond of friendship that captured my heart and the confusion of sex and the loss of faith in that which broke it.

If she had married her fiancee, and this is the huge obstacle for normal thinking, it would not have weakened our friendship! Because marriage need not be the closest friendship. Love is the closest friendship and marriages are built around sex.

Its been a tough process of a lifetime to burst open the romantic images and illusions that have surrounded the female form and which have caused me to orientate my life in a particular way.

I hope this attachment to friendship which is in part a good thing can be fostered and the negative jealousies and desires that become caught up in it can be weakened.

The goal then is to form deep, changing and sensitive loving relationships with all people and not feel any negativity if they should move onto other people. Their choice and happiness must be first. To be happy and buoyant in the world regardless of outcomes. If I do form a sexual relationship then it will be within the scope of this larger picture. I do believe as I write that this is very much the view that "my muse" had. She was so loved by so many people, her funeral was packed, she harboured few negative feelings and was always so buoyant in the world. The first thing I ever noticed about her was how her feet seemed to not touch the floor. I see now that this was her, her buoyant and free abidance with the world her liberty and freedom from negative weighty emptions. She gave, and gave freely and those who could overcome jealous and competitive egotistical thoughts could take. I have learned my lesson. It will be a year tomorrow when she last closed her eyes upon this world but, it is we who have lost.