My Musings

another issue regarding "my muse" is that we never slept together. This is confounded by a number of issues which is why it has taken me almost 10years to process it. Firstly there was a powerful expression of sexual desire from both sides. I realise more than anything now this was simply the release of sexual repression on both sides. Because she thought I looked like her screen idol it gave me the illusion that she fancied "me". In my case I did not fancy her in the first millisecond because she was not my model beauty, but only on consciously "looking again" and given myself the freedom to rewrite my expectations did she become a model beauty. The other issue which is the worst is that so much seemed to happen by "coincidence" that is seeemed that a hand of destiny was making this happen. I remember not wanting to talk to anyone about it because it was wonderful just letting things take their course and if she wanted me and I her then we were already together by some divine destined authority. So i never talked about what i wanted and never expressed personal wishes leaving that to destiny. Well i never got what i wanted and considered this the hand of destiny also. Except "my" wishes grew in demand and eventually I had leave lest they sought to govern and manufacture a relationship. I realise now maybe that people like the reassurance that comes from people enforcing their wishes, especially men over women which seems to be the structure of sexual relationships. Anyway its by the by because her last words to me were that we were never going to be intimate, although that leaves a puzzle in understanding what the nature of all that initial attraction was. When you catch a girl staring at you dreamily lost in a world of her own, what does that mean? when she waits to catch you alone and asks to see you again repeatedly, what does that mean? When her eyes are shining with excitement, what does that mean? I'll never know. And, that is the other philosophical point.
What is something that could have been but wasn't? Its not something that "wasn't and couldn't have been" like really marrying our screen idol. That is simply an idea. And it's not real that is for sure. Its has a Shroedinger's cat like existence... or so it feels. With almost no doubt in my mind, play my cards slightly differently and this Shroedingers Cat would be alive. But it seems with tragical certainty now that it is dead... altho i still resist completely believing that... i met the family but i never looked in the box/coffin myself.
I feel like a Schroedingers Cat myself until someone opens my box and tells me whether the Caesium atom decayed or not. Did it really almost happen or not? was this a once in a lifetime chance to meet the girl of my dreams, and for her to meet the guy of her dreams? Two coincidences that are rare by themselves.

Well I'm getting through it. Her sister has done a lot to lift the box and see the quantum state of this cat. I'm currently and rather selfishly seeking a break from her to see how I stand on my own 2 feet at the moment. She's pissed off and not answering texts.

I suspect the answer lies in these realisations... alot already hammered out in the previous posts.
Firstly, the existence of whatever it was is a karmic fruiting. And that includes both our desires and the responses and the overall course of events. In this sense there was no choice and I must suffer what I have suffered and learn what i am learning. We may met again karmas allowing and maybe if we made some positive ground it might work better next time. Must remain positive for that reason alone... though some
angry and hateful thoughts try to surface about her. I do something feel she deserved to die for being what she was, which is not a thought I would like to have but it's there sometimes.


Secondly, had we actually gone down that other road and I had obtained the object of my continuing desires that would have changed everything and as they say "familiarity breeds contempt". I deliberately avoided familiarity so as to maintain the purity of things, I know I get bored and cynical and i want to believe I would have kept her in such high esteem for life, but also maybe I wouldn't!

And after the last post on "acting" I am realising that this is exactly what I was exploring with her. I used to stand in Clapham Common odd hours of the night and recite poems and Shakespere to myself because I felt that I had become an actor in a delightful divine play. I knew that: I used to ask, why do we have to face reality when we can live out our dreams. Love struck fool! Death made a mockery of that quick enough! We are all actors already, just we choose to act out dull and boring plays like "national identity", "personal identity", "authority", "wealth",
"marriage", "ownership", "career". How dull and I was trying a new play which was profoundly beautiful. I realise this week all plays are to be scorned, or at least when we forget that they are plays...

NOTE: In novel 2b: Alexandria, this is the key point that the world is a huge play that we forgot we are playing - especially regarding notions of "actual"

existence and rules.

So hopefully "Reality" will win and my dreams of what could have been "real" will be seen as dreams both as they are today and as they were then.

An escape plan which always works is from a favourite film "Fandango", 'the only way to get over a girl is to get another'... also another good line ... love is mostly thoughts, mostly (said with pathos for a girl he lost but actually quite true!).

However if that general dream (rather than the particular dream
of "my muse") which has kept me going so far can be shown to be as unreal as the specific then maybe I am free for good, and "my musings" will have been fruitful.