Home

I have returned finally to an enquiry that "my muse" in many ways upset, the search for Home. Love is extremely tempting for it offers us the sense of being profoundly found. I have felt profoundly lost since losing her: unsettled, unstable, chaotic, insecure, panic attacks etc - I imagine this is the most unpleasant experience. Finding ones destiny in employment, or in life's application, can also be profound I am sure. The sense of peace that comes when the soul knows its place in the world and can rest upon the life it has found is the goal. This has always eluded me. If there was one destiny I knew I had it was to meet this girl. But that is done and the story told. There is no peace, or so it would seem.

But I persist in this knowledge of maybe something deeper. The problem with "getting what you want" is that you will fear forever losing it, unless that is you can satisfy that desire and be free from it... and there's the rub... its the being free from it that counts... that is why we want it. Not having what we want is suffering. The soul hurts. The more we need it the more our soul hurts. "My muse" was to play the deepest role in my souls life... through her I would unravel the mysteries of my relations with the outer world, the mysteries of sexual desire, the mysteries of birth and life - through her I would be able to live. Without her I would die, which is how it feels. Ironically her death in many ways seems the easier path; for i am the walking dead, the souless.

But not to despair for this is the other side of the same coin. If I cannot walk this path, I am not worthy to walk the other path of having what I most desire. Do I suffer because lacked the courage to take what i wanted most dearly, or do I suffer because I had the courage to face what I feared most. I have been unable to decide on that. Certainly what i have done has been madness and reckless by any imagination, but i knew i would only know if this was true love through the loss... too quickly familarity would have bred contempt had I walked the other road and that I had to protect love from.

If we are truely to belong then surely we must be able to belong anywhere and not be condemned to run the gauntlet of loss. In many ways I am too proud to live in fear of loss. If I fear loss then i will take loss head on and defeat it in the open, rather than have waged a guerilla war in the shadows. Loss it what I have fashioned my life upon now, that is the battle. But the paradox is that how can we not fear losing what we hold so deeply? If we do not fear losing it, one has to question how important it is to us. In this paradox there can never be happiness. We either have loss, or joy tainted with fear of loss. Naive lovers who believe that it will last forever will undoubtably have a shock.

I am running between work and this... risking being caught by the boss... this very text is written in the shadows... where is truth and honesty in this fractured world.

I wish to add a slightly adjacent point before continuing. 10 years ago I made my choice. She had a boyfriend I over heard. How was I to know that he was cheating on her, maybe that is what she wanted. That maybe she measured me up, and stayed with him in the background, that is the weakness that my love would never have shown. If you see before you what you truely desire do you not drop everything and risk everything for that? Surely the outcome can only be glory or destruction? She did not play such a bold game, she did not love like i did. How was I to know that she was not happy with him and I would be just a fools paradise; he was rich, she chose that; I was poor she did not know that. She was young, i felt I had to protect her and make the choices that I knew would be best for her, is that not what you do to those you love? So i chose what proved to be the path of destruction for I was not strong enough to love without gain, and jealousy consumed and hate for the world replaced what had been satisfaction with existence. In that maybe lies the errors, but documentation will never change what was done.

Returning... there is life in loss. It is extradordinary how resilient this life is. Infact life in loss is the same as life in gain simply without the emotional landscape and the feelings of being found and blessed and peace. An analysis of that might begin with the awareness that to be in loss or in gain is just a point of view. It is not a reality. But we need to go really deep to play these games because the suggestion for me is that my life could only be complete with her, that "this point of view" is actually my own life. That is how deep i need to search now to unravel this, much deeper than I ever thought possible. Is that the quest that I have been curious about?

I had a very deep mediatation experience as a kid.. even a jhana I believe. The feeling that followed that was I remember beyond description... maybe even greater than love. That was "being found". I could not communicate it, find any sympathy amongst my friends, thought it odd and it was forgotten.

But that is being found. That is our true home. It is when the mind is focused. If "my muse" gave me love it was not sexual it was because my whole soul was focused upon her, I become a disparate disorganised rabble become one under one leader. They say that the greatest man commands not an army but himself. "my muse" requires a replacement... myself.

A friend said that while playing darts recently he forgot all about his opponent and the people in the room as he focused on his shots. That is self mastery. Focus. That is what brings the rabble of the mind together under one leader. My object had been "my muse" but with her came a million other thoughts and desires, and pains and distractions. Under the master of oneself we are secure and found.

So I have become meditation again with a single goal to come home. Come home to my true home that no-one can take away, that I can only lose by leaving home, that depends upon nothing but an ability to remain undistracted and command the ship through the oceans to the port that it left before memory began. That is the true "being found" and now finally the journey Home has become. May "my muse" always be remembered exactly how she was, and the love remain exactly as it was, and my desire remain exactly as it was, and the fear of loss remain exactly as it was, but may i and she, daughter of the moon to me, and everyone in all directions now complete the true journey home.