The lure of sexuality

Two tuesdays ago (14th October) I awoke from a dream in a state of peace and bliss. I had been in a hospital bed and a dark haired nurse had come to my bed give a bed wash. I grabbed her and pulled her beneath the bed sheets and kissed her ... and it is complete satisfaction. Within the dream I was then questioning in this state of satisfaction would I still write and express the thoughts that I write in this blog. A question reminds me of the state that I experienced while transfixed by "my muse". My thoughts stopped in this state. Thoughts I can only conclude are the searchings that arise through the unease of dissatisfaction. The dissatisfaction for me being sexual.

So why this dissatisfaction? It is that sexual satisfaction comes with a huge price attached. It is wishful thinking to believe that sex exists by itself, it is part of the much greater game of worldly involvement - it includes status, possessions, money, labour, winning/losing, birth and death. I have only one desire in this whole game which it seems is sexual satisfaction. So I have decided to forgo the game... were it that easy.

My experiments with celebacy are in disarray. I can find no peace, only anxiety, unease and profound destabalisation in the state of sexual repression. It simply will not leave me alone. To end the sex drive, is to end my own life it seems. I have to find another way.

Of course this means reopening the case of "my muse". I realise that I have indeed made the biggest mistake of my life in not engaging with "my muse" with an intention to "win" her. This morning I remembered that indeed I have played out the crisis of my hero at the time Kierkegaard who inexplicably and to his eternal regret called off the marraige to Regina. This seemed at the time to be a perfectly noble act - now it seems like a huge mistake with no gain at all.

There is but one happy resolution to this: probably as mad cap as the idea of self-fulfilling romance: I will engage tentatively with sexual desire BUT my attitude to the rest of worldly matters will reestablish a posture of criticism. The last 9 years of being uncritical has been profoundly unfruitful except that I can afford to shun it for a few years as a result. Instead I am studying and writing a book on it instead. So my thoughts don't end, but they address the question which seems to schism life between that which does seem necessary and the weight of worldly attachments and burdens which seems unnecessary.