Am I bothered?

Recently I have noticed that I can’t be bothered with most things. When angry I simply can’t be bothered to continue the fight. In terms of lust and relationships yes I would like them but it no longer creates a violent desire to possess: I simply can’t be bothered. Been an avid watcher of films in the last few weeks (most probably a displacement from writing this best man’s speech)… I am growing progressively more tired of films and narratives in general. Blood Diamond was excellent but you can’t help thinking as it unfolds – so what was the point again? Then I saw Pearl Harbour and again what a waste fighting a war when people seem to have it so good. Does the fact that the men and women prove themselves as war heroes… again what exactly was the point again? It makes the blood run and the testosterone pump through the veins and it is stimulating and exciting fighting a war … but we see the war being fought in that love triangle as well and there are winners and losers when we fight … as I have always felt instinctively and certainly: if someone has to lose then no-one can be a winner. So what is the point? Japanese fighting Americans fighting Japanese fighting Americans… not bothered. Harry Potter films are for kids and again one wonders what is the point. Goblet of Fire had some more depth in that Harry has to face an inner struggle within himself – was he bad? That is a fascinating question because if we are bad then we are hardly a good judge of our own character! This way once evil has taken root there is almost no escape. My mother makes me angry yesterday. She was saying that I should have a job. Everyone of my age has a job etc. I wanted to fight, and said some harsh things as you do when arguing, but inside I couldn’t really be bothered.

So I take a walk. Have I gone too far? I don’t feel depressed. I actually feel a deep sense of ease and happiness. I am getting free from the struggles of the world and simply don’t want to be involved anymore. I have always struggled with my parents view of duty that are we just machines that perform our duties without rhyme or reason? This was my view of life for a long time because this seems to be how people behave. Do we really want to work, build businesses, fight wars? Maybe some people do to which I say go ahead (as long as you don’t destroy the planet in the quest for your uncertain goals). But if they don’t and they are doing it out of blind duty then maybe I should join their ranks. But what is the point? If no-one actually wants to do all this stuff then why do we do it? I’m making my stand. It is worthless in my eyes and so I won’t do it. Simple. Yet the question remains is this the right path? Is this what Buddha meant? I thought this on my walk.

The sun was setting and I came to stand and watch the ball of embers reaching sunbeams out from behind the cage of clouds. It was mesmerising. First thought was how far I have travelled to see this before and here it is on my door step. Isn’t that a metaphor for life’s struggles! Another thing I have always felt deeply: everything we need for existence is right here, right now – there is no struggle, there is no journey. That which we need to posses and travel for we don’t need and worse is just a mirage which up close reveals its true identity as what we had before we moved.

A random quote from myself: Property is exactly like the offside rule in football: it only makes sense when you are playing football. That feeds back to everything discussed last year, but shows up the foundationlessness and conditionality of what we do. Which reminds me that last week I was realising that it is hugeness of the world, the fact that whatever undertaking we frame and pursue is itself framed by larger and larger frames of reference, each bring a new perspective upon our endeavour and undermining the reasons for it. For example I write this blog in my own little world, but I am sure someone else has perfected already what I write – why not just read what they have already perfected? Is the realisation that there is no underlying fixed reality the arrow that kills the demon of attachment and eternalism? Once we see all things as existing in their own little world, conditioned by whatever local events and conditions unfold, aren’t we freed from locality?

Returning to yesterdays walk. I felt as I was absorbed into the sunset that I was myself manipulating the clouds and almost reaching with my soul into the flames. Not a particularly profound experience I don’t want to give the impression it was a big deal. It made me analyse though the relationship between myself and the world. I have desires for this to be like this, or that to remain like that etc. The world has its own ideas – it just goes about its business as the world does. When the world goes my way I am happy. When it goes against my desires the force of those desires creates a sense that the world is actively going “against” me with a force. Like Newtons second law of motion however that equal and opposite force is all generated in my internal motion. I wish to go swim along the river bank but if the river is flowing against me then I feel a malign force in nature that is making things hard. If on the other hand I wished to swim the other way then I would see the river as being benevolent and I would be happy. Yet the river has no intention of its own. It being good or bad is created in the world by my own energy and motion. So I came to see the world as neutral and the sun setting just a simple event. Instead the up and down and coming and going I saw all originated within myself. Isn’t this half of the issue of karma? If I was blessed with the ability to desire that which was happening I would be always happy and peaceful! Alternatively if my desires were malleable and changeable, if they could not be bothered to fight the neutral world then all problems would cease. This is when I suspected that I have been living wrong. I do struggle. I do war with the world around me. This is my culture: both in the West but also within the family. Things are got by heroic struggle is the belief, against odds, through the power of one’s own self. This is the mythology that I have lived by. Yet actually as the saying goes the strongest reed bends in the wind. Some people think that this is insincere and weak. To simply go with events is for weak and slippery men. How can you trust someone who will sway when the going gets tough?

While I criticise the new approach something else. I lost all my emails for the last 5 years. Posted it in Facebook and a friend replies “impermanence”. True but I have a problem. If I just accepted impermanence then I probably wouldn’t have kept the emails in the first place. Indeed I probably wouldn’t have kept the friends. If we just accept the changing of the world then I would be dead by now, just accepting the fact that I am impermanent and will come and go. All that work my parents did to raise me would be wasted (my mums argument against me) and I would simply sit back and point out that they were too attached to me and they should realise that I was always going to die, just a bit earlier than they probably expected.

It is not that this stuff is profound but that it is exceptionally hard to know how to use it all.

Based upon yesterday however I at least felt I had an understanding. Being at ease and bending with the wind is not about giving free reign to evil. One does not obey the orders of an evil person. One’s life may actually become very hard in doing this. So it is not about being easy. It is rather not desiring things that one cannot have, or better desiring things that are extravagant, exotic, unusual or difficult to come by. There is humility in desiring what is ordinary. In so doing we free ourselves from struggle.

Now I still don’t get it. But just (re)-logging a stage for future reference. I say re because nothing is really new, I keep looking at the same thing “life” from different angles trying to work out what it is.