3 Demons

On holiday I became very aware of my 3 main demons. Two actually are very similar.


Demon 1 called Stupid.

This demon likes to call people stupid and find faults in them. It does this when I feel superior to them. Interesting my karma that I should have had a boss who had this pathologically. This demon breaks out (like the others) when I am tired. The first time I noticed something was up I thought stupid about some one and then fell off my bike. Then I saw this man, slightly overweight walking up the mountain track where I was at 4.30am. I wondered why he eas there and labelled him stupid. Later I found out that rather than fighting that demon I could have been watching the otter at the base of the cliff. He turned out the anything but stupid being from the museum and being exactly the best person to meet. I came in inviting demon stupid to an imaginary tea party like a naughter child who refuses to play - much as Pauline would have done in Zola's 'Zest for Life'.


Demon 2 called Critical. Critical is almost the same as Stupid but has been around a lot longer. Critical was there in my head for a large section of the Land's End John oGroats walk being critical especially about "cars". When i am exghausted the arguments begin about why on earth people drive such short distances and carry 1ton of metal around with them when they travel etc. Critical is now invited to the tea party.


Then came Demon 3 called OCD. He is actually a mental illness and quite a lot bigger than the others. This is the one I have struggled with for over 20 years - actually all my life in one incarnation or the other. He decided to join the party (as expected) when I slept on mountains by large cliffs during my cycling holiday. This demon has two heads. The first head is actually OCD for real, the second head is the fear of OCD which is just as bad if not worse. His greatest show was on the Storr at 11.30pm. Faced with fading light, a weak torch, and no map or compass it was important I remembered the way off the summit because I didn't want to get caught in a white out if the clouds came in. A tricky path up through sheer cliffs I expected to lead to the summit but instead came to this Shangri-La like emerald plateau of lush grass with lazy sheep scattered across its quilt. They were here for the night and I was very suprised that the environment was so hospitable. The trig point was some distance and I forgot completely the way back. Faced with sheer cliffs around the demon popped up and I started to fear what it would be like if I got OCD (exactly like vertigo) and came to obsess about throwing myself off a cliff. With no escape route I was trapped with this demon. I got a bit panicy and started a frantic search for the way down. It seemed to be no where. I ascertained that far off I could get to a section that looked green, which calmed me enough to begin a systematic search along the cliff edges until I found the way down now in almost darkness. All the while I was watching and analysing the demon. On getting clear of the cliffs it faded away and I was simply left a bit shaken. The battle continued as I bedded down on the edge of the next level of cliffs - but this way down was well assigned to memory in case of a white out with even a few stones laid on the way up as memory aids.

I began to wonder what would happen if my mind collapsed up here and so far from "home". But what home do I have I thought, where am I seeking to return to? This calmed me down and brought me back into the present peacefully. How much harder it must be if we have created a secure warren somewhere not to feel insecure when we are away from it. I was reminded of the girl I used to share with at uni who had had a nervous breakdown on a mountain in Israel. She had to be helped down and back "home". What a terrible experience, at least she was with friends. So my thoughts got to examining this "void" that we fear enveloping our knowing consciousness - the oblivion that is both fascinating to drug users and sexual adventurers but also terrifying as we risk never returning. My conclusion was that there was no evidence for it. All things that happen including mental melt down will pass into something else - there is no final extinction; it is a myth. On that final conclusion I fell asleep and awoke complete refreshed. Demon OCD asleep. However I need to wake him up and have him to tea more often so I can get to know him, that was my main conclusion. This demon has in many ways dictated a large part of my life especially the last 20 years where I have been afraid of being trapped anywhere in case he pops up and I cannot escape. Indeed being trapped is the main fear now, he rarely actually pop up.