Reply to my own post 24/01/2007 "I done it :-)"

the post
No I didn't do it. 11 years later I have done it, but it is slow and not euphoric for me. It takes time to let go when you are no enlightened, but its just the way the road goes. Some days strong, other days can't go on. It seems we must suffer sometimes, and in ways we never imagined possible. We make it worse for ourselves when we try to escape this pain, holding on to youthful ideas that somehow I am a good person and somehow I don't deserve to suffer. If there is a grim reaper of souls, there is a grim sower of sorrows and we feel sometimes that they got the wrong person... but this is the greatest sorrow to think this. All sorrow is mine, and something I must shoulder. It can't last forever, but it can last for many years... not a continuous uniform sorrow but waves on a stormy sea. Sometimes we go under, but wait and we come up again. Eventually the storm subsides. Eventually a day comes when you find that you don't think of her. Then you claw back your addiction, you feel guilty, you feel the emptiness of loss and would rather have pain than nothing. It is a long journey to eventually sit in the sun again, and just feel what you feel without fear and struggle. To just feel sad without feeling you sit on the edge of a void of despair and disaster, to feel happy without trying or needing to. I imagine the enlightened or like this even when someone truly close dies. They courageously just feel sad and loss without struggling, brave enough to just be what they are in despair, not trying to shake it off, not trying to bring back the Past, not pretending to be anything but what they are which is sad, lonely and depressed. This is what humans do, it is how we are made. But seeking to be someone different, to pretend to be strong, to want happiness so much that we can't be sad, to be afraid of suffering and to fear the void and emptiness of being lonely and sad... to struggle against all these things is the real pain. And like a fly in a spiders web the more we struggle the more the fangs of suffering stick in. Take it on the chin: you got hurt, it went wrong, you are infallible, you are feeling empty, you failed, you aren't as awesome as you thought. Your true friends won't abandon you, the world most certainly won't abandon you (its been here 5 billions years - a lot longer than you), but most importantly you won't abandon you. Its a painful journey, but one that must be walked either willingly or kicking and screaming it doesn't matter. The sun is always shining, we just can't always see it behind the clouds. So no I didn't do it then, but I have done a lot better since.