One last thing I never understood

When we are dealing with issues of false self we play the world out on a stage in our minds just as a kid does with dolls. We are so absolutely habituated to this that no one really realises the illusion and trick. The doll of false self is so tangible and graspable in our hands that we almost entirely confuse it with ourselves. However there are obvious problems that we can uncover as I hope I have done in the last 3 posts.

One problems remains that I have never understood and it is linked to the OCD I have. The problem for an OCD sufferer is that we look at the doll of false self and we wonder what it is going to do next. That doll can sometimes seem possessed like a demonic doll and we become very anxious about what it is going to do next. We can read all kinds of things into that doll and even come to live in fear of it. This causes a huge disconnect inside us as our true self becomes fearful of its own false image. And I believe this is quite common in mental illness that this gaping chasm can really grow and divide the mind and set it against itself in all encompassing anxiety and mental breakdown. But this all occurs because of the basic error of confusing our true selves with the false image that we make up in our minds.

It is obvious really. Who is actually anxious? we should ask. It can't be the image of self we have, it is the quite separate true self. But because the true self is not tangible like the doll we get very confused. Yet the evidence for true self in right there in our anxiety. Who is feeling all this anxiety? That is our true self right there at the heart of our troubles. Eckhart Tolle had an identical meditation on the night he broke free from false self. Although for him the struggle was over depression not anxiety.

So how does action work when viewed from the perspective of true self? Firstly I'll look at the wrong view.

So normally we think things through and decide what to do, or most of the time not much thought just recorded activities that we play out automatically. The first time we kiss our partner will probably take a lot of thought and deliberation but after a while it can become automatic (though it shouldn't). Now in our thoughts we erect a statue of ourselves that we can manipulate to explore our decisions. This doll is the source of the problem.

For me with OCD you can sometimes think "I wonder what happens if I make the doll do this". A classic example is if I am standing on the edge of train platform and I can wonder what would happen if I pushed the doll off. It is just a thought, but because of attachment to the doll I now think I am actually going to jump off and then quite obviously the situation feels incredibly dangerous and gets filled with fear. And then with heart racing you can't think clearly and you get very afraid of what is actually a peaceful situation and you want to run away. You look up at all the other people scrolling through their phones or happily chatting and you wonder why they are not filled with fear in this incredibly dangerous situation. These kinds of disconnect between your experience and the world around are classic indications that you are creating a problem where none exists.

Now until you realise that the doll is a false self the problem seems very real and confusing. We are attached to that doll, and quite probably deeply metaphysically connected to it: we really believe that we have a self and that is it right there. That doll could do something bad and so we are in a very real existential situation. The walls close in, the sky comes down, people seem far away and we are thrown into an artificial world filled with unreality, confusion and terrible feelings. And all because we chose to worship the false doll and forget about our true self.

Yet all the while the true-self is feeling all these feelings and experiencing the walls closing in and other people seeming like a distant world and yet it can't unhook because it is confused about this doll that it is holding onto so tightly.

We made that doll. It is like a Chucky from the film Child's Play. And in UK that is associated with a very real horrific murder of a boy. It's an anxiety that exists even in the real adult world that these dolls can cause bad things to happen. The boys who killed the child some still believe were influenced by that film and by that doll. And yet there is truth to this. We do erect a doll inside our heads, it is the thing we think is "Me". Its a funny thing that we make the films and do the things that reflect our actual mental landscape. I wonder if aliens with a different mental make up build dolls themselves and give them to kids? For most people their doll is the "good guy." But ironically this is even more dangerous than having a doll we think is the "bad guy." The OCD suffer who has started to doubt what their doll is going to do is actually the safest person in the world. True they are filled with anxiety and hardly functioning but the last thing they are going to do is actually bad.

Meanwhile all the evil in the world is done by people fixated upon a doll that they think is the "good guy." I saw the film "Promising Young Woman" the other day and it is very truthful. All the guys believe they are the good guys. But what is actually happening is that they believe their mental constructed doll is the good guy and so they must be. What they don't realise is that the mentally constructed doll is a false self and bears no resemblance to their real self. This is exactly how bad things happen. Evil people hold on to a false image of themselves which means they don't see what their real self is doing. Its very ironic in the world of Ego and false selves that the people who think they are best are actually worst and vice versa. And this is why.

Now the real answer is not to hold onto this doll. So far I have argued for putting that doll in the bin. And certainly this is the right thing to do when we have been clinging to it for so long. It is old, worn out and at best needing some repairs and some new paint.

But if we look at where the doll comes from and why we erect it we can see what its real use was. We are given this doll as a child. We are given a name, our parents and relatives "own us" and make a big fuss over us. They fill us with all the expectations and beliefs they have of us and we are given a fully made doll. Chances are it is ridiculously unrealistic. We can never be as good as that doll but we attach to it cos its all we have and come to think it is our true self. We never ask who is clinging to it of course!

So disconnect happens. We realise we are not that doll for any number of reasons. It might be too perfect, it might simply not fit well and we discover we are different from that doll, it might cause mental disconnects like depression or anxiety like my OCD. At some point if we are lucky a gap will form between the doll and the one who is grasping it and if we are really, really, really, really lucky we will enlighten and throw the doll down. When you look at the 4 million lines of Buddhist scripture you can appreciate just what a momentous event the throwing of the doll down really is. Now in many cases we just pick up a new one so problem not solved. But some people throw it down for good like Eckhart Tolle and Shakyamuni Buddha they never pick up another. They describe complete lasting peace and an end to suffering. What I like about Buddha was him saying at this event that the "spiritual path was at an end; there was nothing else to do." Imagine having that moment of finality in your life where the grain of sand in your eye that has been troubling you for so long has finally been wiped out. The doll is cast down, the reflection in the mirror no longer confused in any way with oneself, and the self is free to just be.

Now in reality we do need a doll. If I plan a trip to the shops I will imagine myself going into the shops to help plan the things I need, where to find them and perhaps juggle the route I take to get everything. Solving the classic Travelling Salesman Problem and using a mental doll to do it. The problem occurs when I don't then dismantle this doll. We imagine that doll going into the jewellery store and buying expensive watches and necklaces, we imagine it getting a tattoo, we imagine it meeting with friends and being the centre of attention, we imagine it driving a fast car and we fantasise about all the things we could do and we start to love that doll more than our self. Some people now like it so much they struggle to become that doll and the problems all start. Another way this can happen is that they see someone who they like, a role model, and we then struggle to become that person. Its the same effect. Although this external one is actually good at one level because it means we have put down our own doll and this is quite an achievement already. In religions the first and most important step is accepting an icon as one's goal. Christians seek to be like Jesus. Buddhists to be like Buddha. I like Hinduism--it really understands this process--a temple in India erected a David Beckham statue at one point to attract the attentions of the youth. Seeking to be successful footballer is not a bad start in life, hopefully that process can evolve into being a better person and finally into being free from any idols or false images. Obviously where we can have a good doll, we can have a bad doll like with OCD and live in fear of it too. And like all bad things this gives us an excellent illustration of the flaws with following and attaching to dolls.

So finally the correct view of action from the perspective of true self. What is it like to behave authentically in the moment without reference to a fake self. I guess the first thing is we behave without fear of contradicting our false self. We will have a strong fixed view wrapped up in that doll of what we are and what other people expect of us and we behave according to that rather than what we know we should do. Suppose we feel for the suffering of animals but our doll is tough and hard and not weak and sensitive. We may well reject these finer feeling cos the doll tells us so and eat meat when we would be better exploring vegetarianism. This is actually personal experience. I wonder if a lot of criminality is like this. If our doll can silence our feeling for the suffering of animals then what else can it silence! When we behave like an "idiot" is this not actually our doll taking over and making us block headed and insensitive? According to the fixed view we have of our self embodied in this mental doll, we are like something and so we behave according to this something. We standardise our behaviour according to an image we have of what we should be like. This may be useful. Our society may have strict rules and this doll gives us the model behaviour. But again the real problem is attachment. Just cos we conform to the ideal doll we have does not make us ourselves good. It just means we are good at copying. One Buddhist master called this behaviour the "beautiful robot." We are just good actors. Again I stress this can be very useful. Sometimes we do fall short, we get angry for instance and being able to act that we are not angry is very useful. The doll of correct behaviour is our friend here. But the problem happens when we don't acknowledge that we really did get angry and the good behaviour was just a false doll. We were faking it. If we start to believe in the fake self then we set up all the problems and we start to disconnect from our true self. Leaving our true self behind closes the door on the peace and satisfaction that comes with being authentic and true. Other people don't really benefit from knowing a fake person either. So in reality the place of dolls is rather nuanced and a mine field really. But to start with putting then all in the bin is the way to go. Better to make a fool of our self authentically and have no doll on which to hang the fall out than to carry the fake self with us.

This could be viewed as be crazy and live without consequences. This is also fake self. This is going too far and throwing everything away. We must not throw ourselves away! A true self does what is right as they see it. They do not follow the instructions of a doll and they do not fake it. But this obviously comes with an element of bravery. We must take responsibility for what we do, but not in the sense that a doll will be judged but just in terms of the results of what we do. If I burn my house down in an attempt to be free, I will be sleeping under the stars tomorrow. My choice. There is no fixed false self to blame and heap suffering upon, but my family will be cold.  

So finally the issue of freedom. The OCD false self lives in fear of the freedom of that doll. It is true that I could throw myself on the train tracks. Another example is shouting out in a ballet or classical music performance. On one hand we think big deal this is not a dangerous situation why get anxious. But you have an unpredictable doll inside you that may suddenly shout out and you will feel mad and the anxiety can be as bad as any situation. So it is true you have freedom and you could shout out. Anyone can. But study it closely as I do in the next paragraph. Firstly acknowledge that it is hard to think clearly when anxiety is with you. Neurologists name a thing called the Amygdala Hijack which is the source of the flight or fight mechanism. When we trigger it it shuts our brain down to focus on some dangerous thing like a hungry wolf approaching. Obviously this is quite inappropriate in a classical music concert but the brain doesn't know this, we have tricked it with false beliefs and it means we actually have less mental capacity to deal with it. Meditation is probably the only tool that can really help. Meditation strengthens our mind's ability to stay concentrated and shake off distractions like Amygdala Hijack. It is key in fact to enlightening cos to really throw the doll down we need to be clear enough to separate ourselves from that doll of false self and ego.

Now suppose we did shout out and have everyone looking at us and thinking we are mad. The soloist stops and gives us an angry, hurt or fearful glare. Completely mortifying. But you know what. The world would go on. Perhaps the soloist develops an anxiety condition themselves and can't concentrate on stage for years, that is bad. But we had World War 1 and 2 where our leaders sent 80 million people to their deaths. The world carried on. Some people even tried to make out the deaths of all those people was a good thing. In perspective whatever we do, the world will be fine. There is a middle path. We have some influence on the world, but don't get carried away. People like Dalai Lama and Bono probably grieve to some extent how little difference they have made given their status and statue. Jesus, Buddha and Mohammad have not ended suffering. Indeed Jesus and Mohammad's name has even been used to kill people. Even the sons of god can't really change that much.

The reason we think we can is our false self. Like Superman our false self seems to have unlimited power. I can believe that shouting out in a concert can make the world stop spinning. Its the exact same illusion all these meditations began with. Am I really that important in a world of so many people? My doll certainly is, but that doll is fake and has nothing to do with my real self. I can throw that doll away and I don't die. And I can die and that doll will flicker around in my consciousness unchanging until my brain ceases to function. It won't die by itself. And me thinking it will die and confusing that with my own death is the whole problem of death.

So if we examine what is really happening when we have anxiety about the freedom we have its not quite what we think. (I wonder whether Sartre's philosophy just got caught up in false self. There is no nausea or existential crisis when there is no fixed self to worry about!). When we bin that doll, where can the anxiety settle? There is no fixed self for us to watch in anxiety and wonder what it is going to do. There is no fixed self or doll to protect, whose actions will tarnish its reputation. There is just our true self, authentic and just living and doing its best. It may make mistakes, it may end up being hated by the world--these things happen--but also that is just life. There is no fixed self here to be tarnished or damaged or whose reputation we carry with us like a lead weight. Indeed we are dragging nothing with us, there is no ship being pulled along with us though life. We are weightless and there is only today.

As the famous Zen stanzas go:

The body is a stand
The mind is a mirror shining bright
Be sure to keep them clean
So that dust does not alight.

To which the young Hui Neng who was to become the 6th Patriarch wrote:

There is no stand
There is no mirror shining bright
What is there to clean?
Where can the dust alight?

He understood what is called the Emptiness of self. For the first stanza the self is a fixed doll to which the writer is attached believing that he must work to keep them and himself clean. To Hui Neng there is no fixed doll, and more importantly even if there is some fixed self collecting dust*, it has no connection to his true self which is free and looking on.

*quick caveat on crazy wisdom. So the inauthentic mind still attached to dolls may think: Oh good I have no connection to this doll. It doesn't matter if it gets covered in dust. In the metaphor this means it doesn't matter what I do, let me do crazy things and heap the consequences on the doll it doesn't matter. Let me sleep outside tonight naked in the street, let that doll feel cold and let it get in the local papers and probably end up seeing a psychiatrist for evaluation. Who cares. In one sense correct. But when we throw the doll out we mustn't also throw ourselves out! A key thing we should develop is compassion. Once we are free we should find compassion. What we once felt just for our doll and perhaps the dolls of friends and family we now feel for everyone cos we realise that real people are not dolls in our minds but live alongside us in the same world equally. Lying in the street naked having thrown our doll in the bin we will feel cold, we will risk damaging our reputation and we can risk further injury. Do we really benefit from these? Would we do this to anyone else? Obviously not, no one benefits from this. The only time we would do this is if we wished to harm someone. But where is the harm going once we realise that people are not fixed dolls who can take punishment? And where is the harm coming from when we realise there is no fixed doll here to record a grievance and administer retaliation. And even if we found such punishment fun where is the fixed doll to register that pleasure even. Once the dolls are in the bin our behaviour becomes simple and compassionate. We certainly could go and sleep naked in the street to prove a point, but who are we proving the point to? There is no fixed self anywhere to record it on. People will remember what happened, but the point is that there is no fixed doll for it to stick to in any fundamental way. So we just do what we think is right. Given a nice warm bed, and friends and family we will probably do that. That said Eckhart Tolle and Buddha both stopped after enlightenment. Buddha sat under a series of trees for 6 weeks abiding in the peace of freedom and Tolle did a similar thing and started to just sleep rough on park benches. The bliss of freedom is all we need and we tend to abandon the arbitrary world of comforts that we wrap our false selves up in. But we don't do anything harmful or crazy to prove a point. That behaviour is typical of people still attached to fixed inner dolls that they wish to adorn with achievements and personal gains. Those who have abandoned their inner doll already have peace, and there realise is no-one anyway there to gain or lose any attainments.