20 years ago I was walking up this Roman road and it was a great opportunity to try and investigate time and self.
So at some "now" I took stock of my position and a future position up the road, and then watched closely as I took steps until I reached that position which became the "now" where I looked back at the past and wondered on what just happened.
Thing is you cannot access the Past. I may only have happened a few minutes before but looking back on the place where you were is completely erased by where you are now. Nothing remains of that moment in the Past, there is only the Present. And I was despite many day's walking never able to get any further with this.
Well in an obvious way of course not. If any of the Past remained then you would not be able to experience the full Present. And if any of that incomplete Present was pushed into the Future you would rapidly end up with a very diluted Present. The Past must be complete erased.
But there is something to recover from this. While the experience of the Past is completely gone, where we are in the Present depends on that Past. When I look back on "where I was" that is only possible because I have moved on. And I was only able to "move on" because at some point I was there in the Past. The Past is the platform on which the Present is built. So while it looks like the Present complete erases the Past, our vantage point in the Present, our ability to "look back" is only possible because of that "back" we are looking at. "Looking back" is actually built upon that back!
This is possible more obvious when looking at a steeple jack like Fred Dibnah binding ladders together to scale a chimney. At the present, looking down, he will be on some ladder, but the Past is not just laid out beneath him to see, it is built into his very vantage point. The very possibility of "looking down" is built upon the Past. So what he experiences looking down is not some arbitrary picture delivered through the internet, it is dependent upon the ladders beneath him up which he climbed to attach more ladders, to get to where is he. What he sees then is not just a random picture, it is an existential moment when he realises that what he is looking at, is also how he got to have this experience in the first place. And that underpins and experience of self of "me." I got here, and only by doing that can I can see where I got to. We are entering the loop of self.
But wait this suggests that the self, the I, the me is somehow being hoisted up these ladders. On the road above I was expecting the "I" that had been in the Past to somehow be Present and be able to look back as though time had not passed.
Now the confusion is laid bare. The reason my musing on time failed is because I was carrying with me a timeless self. In the Past I thought this self was present. And then in the future I thought this same self was present.
I thought the passing of time was relative to this timeless self. I could prove it, or so I thought. If I was not the person back there down the road then how can I remember being down there on the road? That memory proves I was there.
But that memory also proves you are not there now. If you were in the Past then no need for memory. So it is not just the road down there that is in the Past but so is the you that was standing there! It is a memory that a different self has which links you to the Past.
So you have travelled not just up the road, but up yourself!
But wait we protest. If both the road and the Me are changing then I wouldn't notice any change. If I was not down the road and then moved up the road then I would not notice any change. If I was not the same self then I would not be moving.
Exactly!
This was the experience that confused you wasn't it. When you got to the new spot in the road and looked back it was like the Past was completely erased. You have no apparent link to that spot in the Past at all. In fact you had not moved! You were always Present! And that was the confusion. There was no movement or time!
So doesn't that mean the self is timeless and so doesn't change?
No! When I walk up the road it is not like I get in the back of a cart and get transported to a new spot unchanged and then look out from new perspective. The travelling up the road is a perfect metaphor for what happens to the self as well. The very "self" that I think is in the back of the cart is also changing. So when we get to the new perspective everything has changed. It is a new perspective but also a new self. Obviously the past self has gone, just as the Past has gone. If the Past self persisted we would gradually be more and more polluted by and old static self, and we would gradually lose that experience of being Present. Indeed this happens and meditation is a great tool for returning us to the Present and clearing out attempts to persistent the self (which is impossible but that doesn't stop us wasting time and energy trying).
So this opens up a possible feeling of unease. If everything is changing then where am I? Does this mean I cannot claim to have walked that whole road if it was a different me at each step?
Exactly! And that is very unsettling, particularly in a culture like the West where we like to make records of all our achievements. We like to travel with an increasingly heavy cart of all our old selves. We might win a running race as a youth, and still in our 80s think we did that. How ridiculous. We can barely climb the stairs and we still own winning that race. In a sense that is harmless, that is like the top ladder of Fred Dibnah's chimney owning the work of the first ladder. If the first ladder could talk it might be a bit unhappy that the credit was being stolen, just as a race winner might be a bit annoyed if its future self got the medal instead of them. And there perhaps is a short story idea. What a fraught relationship the future self would have with a Past self trying to own all its achievements!
We need to get used to the fact that this desire to cherry pick and life and own all the good achievements, or perhaps reverse blame ourselves for all the failings is just a mental thing called Ego. It is based upon the misunderstanding explored in this blog. Especially that we do not change, and that consistency is what creates time. In fact time does not exist like that. We are always only ever in the Present. But properly seen that Present is built upon the Past. The Past gives us the perspective that we see from the Present, just as the work to build ladders gets us eventually to the top of the chimney and the view from there. But the self that gets to the top is no more the one that started than the top ladder is the same as the bottom ladder. Both many ladders and many selves work upon each other until a chosen point is arrived at.
And that opens up the great insight of Buddha: that there is no fixed self. There is only a self in the Present. Nothing ever escapes time and moves through it unchanged. Time is present in everything so deeply that everything changes, and so there is no unchanging object to have motion as is thought in Newtonian physics.
Now perhaps this is still not clear. To say: There is only a self in the Present holds still one more confusion.
The idea that the self is an atomic entity is another basis of confusion. We may say that this self changes and does not exist outside time to move from the past into the future. But we might still think it is a discrete thing.
If we examine the self what do we really see? Returning to walking the Roman road. What is really there? Let us make a make a mental shoe rack and start putting things in there until there is nothing left. This is a really powerful technique for lots of things!
So that is an intellectual question, that I might think about long and hard. But if we are asking what is really there can't we just answer for this part "some thoughts about the question." That is a very accurate description of what is there for this bit. Lets put that in the first hole of the rack. Anything else? So we have missed out what I can see: perhaps some stones, a tree, a wall,... so I can put what I see in the second hole. I probably had some foot or muscle pain walking such a long way so lets put that in the 3rd hole. Maybe I was hungry: 4th hole. I could hear things: 5th hole. Very quickly we have listed everything.
Which hole is the self in?
Did we even notice the self?
Intellectually we will now say : ah but the self was doing the analysis and filling the shoe rack.
Really? Isn't that just a thought which is already in the 1st hole. If the self was really there you would have noted it at the time and it would be in a hole.
So we get to the crux of this method. Is anyone doing it?
Well we can just take a new show rack and perform the same method.
Intellectually we are saying that it is impossible to be in the shoe rack and also be loading the shoe rack at the same time. Someone must be loading the shoe rack.
So perhaps we are saying well there is one thing that cannot be in the shoe rack, and that is the shoe rack itself.
Basically we are arguing SRH on the method.
Well all this is true, but what we have shown is that what we think the self is, is just the one loading the shoe rack during the exercise.
And then we terminate the exercise by observing that it was all just a mental exercise. All of the above was just thoughts. If someone was watching us while we did that exercise they would see something just sitting there thinking. We were just thinking.
Perhaps we can see then, that whenever we get the self out it is always just in that realm of thinking.
Now famously Descartes got involved with this and concluded first that he couldn't doubt that he was doubting. He means if you doubt that you are doubting then you are doubting! That is impossible, and so a program of doubt ends up defeating itself. This was later to be Godel's argument. And what this blog calls SRH (or now UIP). From this he expanded it to thought in general: "I think therefore I am."
But it has been commented on many times that this is just a thought. I mean it is there in 5 words. That looks a lot like a sentence that can be read and thought. I mean that is definite. What is really not cleat is whether there is a self there. And that is a big problem as Descartes thought this axiomatic and irrefutable. This is Descartes Euclid's Parallel Postulate moment. He thought it axiomatic: it was not. And so it is for everyone who juggles this idea of atomic self. It appears axiomatic: it is not. It is just a thought.
Returning to the shoe rack. The placing in things in the shoe rack is a mental exercise of thought. And in fact we can reference that in the first hole. We are not actually putting our vision in the second hole, we are just putting in a note that we noticed it. We are not actually putting our thoughts in the 1st hole just a note.
And so yes we do not actually have a note for self. And to create a note for self we have to do something thinking, but that is covered by the 1st hole.
So what do we mean in this blog when we say self? When I said above that the self changes?
Well the self is the shoe rack more or less. It is the mental thought we have for all the stuff going on. and we can see very quickly that indeed this is always changing.
This blog is very occupied with Self and SRH. But while this appears to be a constant my brain doesn't ever do it the same way twice, although it tries to, and I don't know when it thinks it has a new take on it or a clarification. It is literally like the weather. And this is my own thoughts I am talking about! Everything else from what I see and hear etc is definitely always changing.
So even while I sit in a seat writing a blog, I am no longer walking that Roman road in Derbyshire, but I am walking myself just as much as I was then as everything continues to change and I reveal a new Present and self with every step.