Monday, 25 December 2006

Life, sex and death

I'm a little more philosophcal about the recent news. When things go wrong that's when we learn the most. She is a soldier to me now, forging ahead into territories that we all must walk one day, brave and fearless like she was in life, into that boundless unknown void. There is much to add to this story, but at the right time... i've still a lot to learn myself.

This has all woken me up to. Without a sense of death really how can we know what life is? and that was supposed to be the enquiry of this blog.

Cosi Fan Tutti was on TV today - saw the beginning, rest is recorded for later. Can "real" women be faithful, or are we destined to chose pleasures over virtue? This girl was a goddess to me, a heavenly being, but not because of sexual faithfulness - we were never physical with each other - but because of spiritual intimacy (or the belief of that). That I begin to remember - after the 9 years of this "relationship" - was the whole point.

If we chose physical pleasures over virtue, we chose the mortal flesh, we are bonded by what is temporary and soon to be extinct. But if we chose the spiritual and forgo the temptations of the body - what then? This was the whole point. Is it eternal if it aims for bondage between what is immortal? I never imagined that this would all be tested so literally. Is she immortal in some spiritual way? did I only love a mortal thing? Why did I feel I had been waiting for her my whole life when I met her? Why did we talk endlessly of eternal friendship and forever - is this all just irony knowing the truth is inescapable?

There are bonds that go beyond the physical. I knew something was wrong when she had a car accident 3 years ago. I knew something was going wrong last year and I had this dread feeling around the time she died. I knew nothing of these events for another 7 months - but after her death there was a release in my life and I had begun to explore old territories of interest. Maybe her loss did free me from some mortal attachment? When I got the email I already knew why it was sent, but didn't want to and couldn't accept that so I invented other reasons. My intellectual mind is terrible at intercepting deeper awareness, it has done this on many occasions. Maybe it is afraid of the new horizons that take power away from that rational creature. I remember she said she could see spirits. I didn't know what to make of that, we never really talked about it. Maybe she was already of a deeper level in life.

We were supposed to have a "natural" relationship. There was to be no overt desire, no manipulation, no compromise, no argument, no coersion, no seduction - if we were bonded naturally then what need for "making a relationship" or love. The paper knows what to do when the match is there - if we were truely connected then it seemed to me that it would happen by itself - and if it didn't it was not supposed to be. Well did it happen or not? Without direct communication and with only hundreds of thousands of poetic and alegorical words did we ever communicate anything. How can I ever know now? A councellor friend said just a few days ago that communication is the key to a relationship. I feel like I'm in a structural philosophy class again - do words mediate everything? I knew when she was in danger without words - altho I grant that it was words that I took to confirm these facts.

If relationships have to be made based upon human desires then all relationships are fearful of death. I am not fearful of death. I have a story to post sometime on that - one I sent her for valentines day - one that I wonder whether it might have been useful to her on her journey.

Buddha beat death and Jesus especially we know beat death. Holding onto the world in place of heavenly riches is like holding onto a sinking anchor for security. Knowing the difference between that which sinks and that which rises, and letting go of all these things that sink around us, must be the wisdom that survives death.

When I first prayed and chanted for her I was trying to see her face and where she had gone. My father was at first not so good, but now resides in a warm and cordial heaven and I'm so happy he has the smile that he only ever tried to get in life. This girl I was stunned to find in a world of brilliantly jewelled columns holding up a roof too far above to see, blinding white light shining all about and throughout the space, gold and silver jewelled thrones at all levels. It was utterly spectacular - I have never even dreamed or thought of such a wonderful place. I wonder if this is just my own respect for her expressed in imagination, or another connection beyond the physical? I so hope she is at peace, and in a happy place - and her mortal family and friends at ease and peaceful too.

I begin to have entertain faith that maybe there are worlds beyond this, and that peace is really a possibility for all man. Happy Christmas.

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