Argument for why I am a narcisist

I think I am better than other people
I have this problem with idealising girls, but then finding then worthless
I do not like being contradicted
I can fall into a world view where i seem to be the only one existing
I like being an object of adoration
I do not like order, and seek instability, arguing for in the form of an indefinable Ultimate which cannot be bettered.


So I was just reading about this on the web. It fits certain facts, in particular the issue I have grown tired of namely the struggle to prove my worth. It seems that unless I "am" somebody then my life is worthless. However becoming somebody in the sense of having a particular status is not enough because it draws me into a fixed status, a mediocrity, so i abandon any particular status in search of the Ultimate. The Ultimate being some state that cannot be bettered which is all encompassing and which avoids the problem of being bettered itself, of being incomplete, of being mediocre. So the chaos continues so that I do not become fixed into a mundane state.

My defense is that seeking to be better as a person is not a bad thing. That not associating with those who one deems lacking in such a lofty desire keeps one vigorous. To enjoy the company of one who sees one as special is no different from love. Being contadicted for the sake of it, or unjustly without apparent cause is annoying. There is something particularly unusual about being oneself which gives ones own perspective a automatic first place or first person. That without balance can lead toward self-obsession.

The main point is that I am tired of all these things already. I do not want have to be better than others. Can't life be a peaceful acceptance of oneself without struggle and likewise the acceptance of others without struggle. The problem there is that so often others seem to make crazy decisions which do effect oneself and you wish that you had been in the position to make that decision yourself: top of the list the decisions to do all this warring. Governments innocently say that it was a carefully taken decision yet to myself it was always absurd. That does lead me to want to separate myself from these "idiotic" people. "Idiotic people" is a phrase I am tired of hearing from myself.

Anyway to personal resolutions to correct any imbalance are thus: firstly to seek an even view of others. If people make "crazy" decisions I at least must realise that to them they made sense, even if I am too idiotic myself to understand why. Secondly it is impossible to seek a total world view so that you might be in a position to make "correct" decision for everyone. Thus an individual can never know what is best for others, and therefore never "help" in an absolute way others because the individual only ever has a partial picture. Thirdly (I have made suprising progress here) seeking a satisfactory existence without the attention of others, especially girls.

Fourthly gets its special line (blog entry) because it links directly into the general flow of the blog. The Ultimate? new post...