I am selfish, the bulldozer

The distinction between an objective search for meaning in Life in general, and a personal search are very blurred, but I imagine this is a good thing because if they weren't then it wouldn't be very honest or real, but at the same time the more personal it gets the less interesting to others ... except as an particular example of an existential quest. This the great dialectic between the universal and the particular (an apple must be both a unique thing, but also be in common with all other apples). Is a blog the right form for a diary of this nature? What is the meaning of public/private in literature anyway? Anyway ... I am selfish...

This is dawning on me slowly. The problem has been that it is very difficult to understand what "selfishness" is. Firstly the moment of insight... just now while sorting photos from years ago I found a famous (in our world) picture of an ex-girlfriend pulling a very hurt face after an argument. I had left her by the path for 20minutes while I went in search of a cave, I cannot have been more than an hour in the end and she lost it. I always thought she had over reacted, but I just noted today that this was her birthday weekend! There are photos of smiles as she stands in the big heart and birthday message etched across the sand of a deserted beach and in the restaurant. Now I realise this is me all over. To my eternal shame another ex-girlfriend years before had become pregnant and an extremely stressful few weeks ended with me pressuring her to a termination (the argument being that the relationship was not on solid legs and while she was ready to go it alone, this was half my responsibility and I was not ready for it). Thurs 2 November 1995 at about midday was the day that my only child was abandoned by me. I have no idea whether I would have made a good father, or whether Alex would have been happy with what I had to offer.. I exchanged that world for this which was supposed to be better! The real shame however came after the termination. I was so relieved and focused on a return to normality that I asked my girlfriend to walk back home from the hospital!! We took a taxi in the end but i was not understanding. That weekend was bonfire night and I remember regaining unaware of her physical and emotional state. This was pure fascism in every sense of the word. How I can have been so blind is hard for me to ever understand, but at the same time I am not faced with a sudden brush with a complete life changing experience at the moment.

So yes I can be very fascist even in the face of obvious signals (her birthday, her discomfort) ... I am selfish. So how does this arise? Where is the confusion?

One check for selfishness is to run a quick check in our own heads about whether we are doing anything wrong. Usually this check passes! Its not often we find ourselves with a gun to an innocent persons head! Sadly this check is often all that I at least run.

There is another very important check, but much harder to run. Are the people who disagree with me right. And an even harder test to run, could there be someone who I don't know about who would be right to disagree with me.

I've written that last paragraph is the most ignorant way I can, but this is the level of the problem. This is also why my breaks in Life are fully slammed on at the moment!

The problem with doing things, having desires, drives, wishes, goals is that often the bull dozer just keeps trundling along even after the driver has got confused. The wars at the moment spectacular - and I keep going on about them but they are such obvious symptoms of huge institutional problems currently in our Lives - examples of this. Well I'm confused so I'm trying to switch off the bull dozer.

It seems the only way to get things done is by force. Often its not overt, but its political force, social force. Indeed that idea from 1994 of "Harmonic Structuralism" fits well. The bigger the social group the more force is can apply both externally and internally. There must be a kind of critical mass in social forces - like stock market bubbles - self organising criticalities and their ilk. In 1994 I was arguing that degree of morality can be mapped to group size. Cohesive internal logics being better than those which can only achieve small size. Selection thus unavoidably pushes mankind toward more moral, better systems with more harmonious internal logics. Kind of true actually. But it aint the whole truth - I read Buddhism since then (starting 1996) - I'm back to a more Modernist belief in a timeless truth that can be discovered at any time and place -not evolutionary.

But force suggests to me "going against" nature. If a force exists use it, don't fight it. If water flows down hill then drink it at the bottom of the hill, don't try and drink it at the top. If I child wants to play instead of study then turn the study into play. If I child doesn't want to eat then let it go hungry. It will learn very soon that food has a natural place in the world. It need not be a struggle between parent and child. Nature will teach a child all by itself I believe, as indeed it has taught Mankind (who taught us anyway?).

Where I am selfish and wrong is that I have plans and thought out views of things which get the bull dozer going and once it's off, any Palestinians in the way will get squashed. And, the fear of stopping the bull dozer is that once it stops it won't start again. How many times do people (in addition to me) argue that we can't stop the current process otherwise it will never end... how circular is that. Useful argument sometime though - Northern Ireland peace process' famous objective to "keep the bicycle upright and moving" i.e. to stay upright it needs to be moving. But, I always return to the Nazis as a warning - look what happens where an out of control bull dozer careers off the road (Israel "too" (pun) ironically)!

So how to balance forward movement (attainment of goals and desires) with consideration and inclusion of all parties... i.e. perfect non-fascism. That is the big question for me... I realise something I have been working at all my life beneath the surface...

Also realised this morning the important things are the simple things. Something incredibly simple about my principles/approach becamse clear this morning but I forgot it.

I can certainly recommend to anyone "time out" to contemplate in depth the minute motivations and principles which drive them - partly to correct faulty ones, partly to understand oneself so that we understand why we respond to the world the way we do, and partly to understand what we need in Life. This is the current process, I can see what is happeneing now. It's very simple too, I need to keep this simple.