How can girls be a part of it?

Some clarity right now... probably because I had a good wank earlier and have eaten properly for the first time in three days. This goes to show that Buddha's middle path is absolutely correct... not too ascetic that we damage our health but not too indulgent that we become softened by luxuries.

In that clarity the problem I don't really want to face and have fought for many decades... is it really possible that my middle path does involve women? I have to face that possibility now. Almost as a matter of pride I can't accept this because a girl wrote on my shirt the day we left school that she hoped I found the meaning of life one day but that she was sure it would involve women. I think naive as I was she quite liked me so you could interpret that one way, but what if after all these years (21 years) she was right in a more general way! I did another calculation a few days ago to realise that half my life has passed again since I met "my muse". That is a lot of time to struggle with something. I am going on another mammoth solo journey out onto the road for the first time since 2003 and I remember on that walk struggling with exactly the same thing... how long will this be a problem? I can't concentrate on anything properly until it is solved...

So if I do "allez" to borrow from previous posts, and turn around back into maelstrom, what is the problem? It is quite clear that pride is the first hurdle. I have to accept that "my muse" does not represent a dead end, so to speak, but rather an hurdle that I failed to mount, so to speak. It means that I have to struggle back through all that, literally pick up the road exactly where I turned back 10years ago!

Alone this is a pleasurable process really so no great problem, after pride has been swallowed, but the greater problem which I have never turned toward, or even been tempted by, is that of the "world". Do I really need to start securing territory and possessions so that I can make a home; and with that literally the weight of the world; locking myself into a cage? This part has nothing to do with pride but pure horror. I have never understood or had any inkling toward worldly things; never felt envious or lacking in anything physical except my Achilles heel of women.

So I begin this bicycle (not walking any more) with exactly the same problem as before. The desire to dip into the world of women and pleasures but then the need to get right out again to pursue what I find really purposeful - the things that make up the mind. This seems like a bad compromise, dishonesty, lack of conviction, weakness. Women who are worldly minded get hurt, it is not a good way. If my middle path does indeed require women then I need to turn away from the level of asceticism current strived for and admit my weakness, my lowliness and my failure to transcend the flesh. Almost everyone else I know goes this way, the way of failure (for a monk it is the greatest defeating sin after murder), but if I have to admit failure then it has to be done. Have I the strength? I must make a decision!

All that said there is an obvious thread in this. I have clarity because I have had a good wank, eaten and actually slept and are going on holiday tomorrow are part of it as well. This "clarity" has arisen where it was not existing before. It is as though it has been created. BUT actually I need to see the difference between some thing which has been materially "created" and something that has been "revealed". This has been in my mind for many years - I wrote it, without knowing what I was doing, in a web page for the temple 7 years ago, but now mysteriously I know what I am doing. Good that I am ready to master this idea at last. And now this blog goes into something deep...

Has the "clarity" been "created"? What is clarity, the thing that Descartes spoke of at the inception of Modernism in his "clear and distinct ideas"? People are astounded at Buddha, brought to tears, because never have they heard such wonderful and distinct Dharmas (not dharmas). Buddha had the power to cut truth from falsehood and give people clarity which is like cool mountain water to the thirsty folks in the desert of worldly confusion. Jesus speaks with the same authority - altho the difference is none of his disciples understood him (makes you wonder how many understand him today!). Roger Penrose, or Paul Davis I remember seeing, have the same power in explaining Physics.

When distractions are silenced then what remains is clarity. Bringing the mind together is what meditation is about (samadhi), removing distractions is what morality is about (sila), Understanding this is what wisdom is about (prajna). These are the classic distinctions in the East; distinctions that have have been deemed heretical in the West for some crazy reason.

So clarity is one of those "things" which wasn't and then was without being created! So Kondanna's insight at Sarnath is more complex. Not everything that we become aware of we have become aware of through "creation" and therefore is not subject to uncreation (that is decay and vanishing - which I found out "my muse"'s name means - highly allegorical that will turn out to be). It is the analogy often cited of the dirty water being left to stand for the sediment to fall out - clarity comes when the distractions are calm and the water, which was always present, is now clear.

Now the cosmic battle between Good and Evil, between Light and Darkness, is actually this battle between different types of creation:

Maya the Arch-Demon, the trickster Loki, Satan is the creator of fallen things. These are the things which have boundaries, which we can put a fence around and protect, these we can hold close to our heart, these are the things which burn when they leave us, these are the things which the SRH wants to prove invalid (in both senses of the word), these are the things which cause their bearers to turn evil and away from truth and away from one another.

Om the Ultimate principle, the Principal, the bag of Higher entities called crudely God, Buddha, Transcendence in all its facets is boundless, it escapes all attempts by the mind to puts its ethereal arms around it, it runs around and through all the things of Satan's creation effortlessly, it leaves the mind which is intoxicated by the fallen things (dharmas) utterly astonished and perplexed. This is why some say that the Creator God is actually the Devil. Anyone who thinks that God created the "things" in the world is actually a follower of Maya! That is how much of a trickster she/he is. Mammon (god of money) and the creator of the "things" are bed fellow since it is through trade of things that we have exchange value and money. God didn't create this computer of that tree - the Devil did! that is why we are tempted to own it and fight for it and do evil for it. In Hinduism this idea is captured by the story of Brahma (in whom existence appears) coming to believe that he actually created the Universe. From this single flicker of ego came all the demons that have plagued creation ever since.

I hope if this is ever read by anyone of sceptical scientific attitude the liberal use of traditional allegories and metaphors to describe what is quite involved stuff is not a problem. On the other hand if this is ever read by someone of religious familiarity I hope the use of terms like Devil is not taken literally - if the Devil exists why have we not seen him? He is much more of a trickster than to ever show himself - that would give the game away - no he IS the viewing of the universe in terms of discrete possessable things that we can lust after! We know him extremely, extremely well!!! To start being Good we must recognise that we walk with the Devil as our closest friend and ally... not seeing this people who think they are good actually get tricked into doing a lot of evil. What a lot of junk has been spawned from mis-understanding the devil: from Satanism, to all the Gothic vampire fantasy that seems so popular these days. These people - like most of us! - are victims of the very thing we worship - how gloriously foolish and ironic!

Clarity then is made distinct by removing other things. It is created by removing things. What is left, that which becomes clear then, is what is called True Mind. So True Mind, like the water in the dirty jar, isn't created or destroyed but revealing it in "clarity" is something that comes and goes. A better analogy would be to liken confusion to a shadow. We can only be in the shadow of something (sin in the analogy) because the sun is shining. So while being in a shadow (being confused) is our state it points ironically to the state of Purity and Truth. If we were never supposed to live in Clarity how could we ever be confused? Feeling confused is a great thing! I said that once to a question from the floor in an interfaith meeting by someone confused by Anatta (I am confused also ;-)... maybe it wasn't such a bad answer. In the same way suffering reminds us that we are seeking Liberation. It is time to worry then when we stop suffering because it can only mean we have forgotten where our True Home is! This world like the shadows in Plato's cave, or like Heideggar's Being hiding in the beings, or like Derrida's margins is a reminder of the True Home that is hidden from us. Now this analogy has wandered right up to the historical analogies, put its arm on the bar and ordered a couple of pints - this is exactly what Bible, Buddha, Lao Tse you name it are talking so obliquely about.

So there are two levels of creation. What is in front of our eyes - the obvious creations that are those of the Devil (in the analogies). This type don't exist and the after creation do exist, and then eventually will stop working and will decay and vanish. Then there is the True Creation which is created when we remove the false creations. Altho it is not actually created because it is already there and we know this because the false creations create a state of confusion and suffering (lack of clarity, shadow) which reminds us they are false and that they exist by obscuring the True Reality. This all sounds great, but I am struggling not to give in to the false gods!

Now the problem is that my clarity won't last, I am going the wrong way about creating it, by believing still that "my muse" would have been the door through which clarity might have been achieved. It is not that I shouldn't eat or have sex or anything, but that these are not the path to lasting clarity. A good wank may relieve one of distractions for a while, but like any drug it will only come back worse. This is why Buddha taught the 8 Fold Noble path, yet still I haven't seen exactly how my current path and the 8 Fold Path relate. Do I abandon women? The logic says yes, but I still can't see it clearly yet. At least this blog has firmly put me back on the track that I know is right, I hope like a horse being led back and back again to water one day I will drink.