Idealist or Realist

“My muse” and I had one big disagreement in our short liaison… she was a self proclaimed Realist and I was the Idealist. I am beginning to realise that I must be a bit careful, the mind is not of infinite strength and I can see in myself that pushed too far it can have a mental breakdown. There is Buddha’s story (which is the first thing I was ever told by a monk) of the sitar player who wanted to leave the sangha because it was too hard. Buddha asks him about tuning a string and the man understands that too loose and it won’t play but too tight and it will snap. Middle path evidently applies to Idealism and Realism also.

There has been a lot to do including and since the wedding. The concerns over doing that well. The two weeks of exams with my students who have not done that well. I guess there are limits but I expected better and I can’t believe the school lost their coursework in two subjects and asked for it to be redone in the last month before exams (unless the student is lying and he never did it! But still why wait till the exams). The English teacher had a melt down too and has only submitted half his coursework. None of it is “Ideal”. Then there is the complete reassessing of what I must do next in life, which is tied up with the thoughts of “my muse” highlighted by the marriage and also the Realist concern of money. Now my cousin has left me in charge of the building work on her new home which is sorted in my head, but I hate being managed which means I hate managing even more, and I still don’t understand why people need to be led – are the builders sheep in need of a stick or are they intelligent people who just need to be communicated with (if you judge this wrong you completely break the system) – so I have all that to work out as well. Plus I simply want to take a break to think about the SRH, perhaps get back to working on one of those books and finally have a good night sleep (the simplest and most rewarding thing in my list to do!). At least I can concentrate on the stock markets properly now and try to recoup the 2k loss I’ve incurred pursue a falling stock down in the hope of pursue it back up again – that stock being gas and FTSE short the only things going down during the bull market! Though I see that Japan is teetering on the brink and while stealth-bull is the new attitude maybe as economies tighten we’re about to see the final end of Capitalism! What next? Well obviously, there is the Real answer and the Ideal answer!

For some reason I feel a pressure on me – as though turning 40 next year means that I should conform. It is as though being young we can indulge in flights of fancy and explore possibilities, while being old we need to take up the gauntlet of “The World” and make things happen. Well I would do the latter if I agreed with it. It is like an anti-Nazi youth in Germany feeling as he comes to 40 that it is time to finally join the SS. It is true however that I am half way through my official working life, at the end really of my breeding life, and I must be absolutely reconciled with the path taken because there is no turning back the clock. It is what I hated about leaving college, the fact that finally we must make choices that will set a trajectory that will affect the rest of our life. In reality I think people just muddle through taking opportunities as they arise without a clear game plan. But remember the point of this blog (and my life) is to discover a game plan! I remember talking to the father of a friend of mine about this while still at school. He was recalling how many “possibilities” there had been and how many careers he could have had and couldn’t really explain the path that he took. I guess in particular this is true of ones partner. I have toyed all along with the concept of “destiny” and “the one” which apply directly to “my muse” – if I abandon her then I abandon those concepts and have to accept that “the path” we take in life is ad hoc and has no inherent meaning… in which case it doesn’t matter which path we take. It can only matter if we feel that some other path was more “true”, some other partner was “better” or more “true”. Maybe we measure with the yard stick of happiness, maybe like me we measure with the yard stick of truth. Either way to be peaceful we have to accept the level that we measure in our actual life.

So to the difference between the Ideal and the Real. I’ve been very Ideal of late. Watching “Meet the Fockers” yesterday – a film I have to admit I love – there is that wonderful contrast between De Nero and Hoffman. In me I have both sides (we all do) but the De Nero is the side that I gravitate to. The Fockers for all their carefreeness are obnoxiously self indulgent and self righteous. I know they are supposed to be the family we gravitate to, but its over played. That said I need a lot of Focker right now to balance the De Nero. After a good night sleep last night I can feel it coming out. However it challenges my Idealist side and its pursuit of Glory and Truth. Winning certainly isn’t everything, but being second in the game just isn’t the end because you can always do better (we always can even if we win).

Living a life of carefree abandon as a “bum”, or fighting for ones own corner of the world where we can live in self-indulgence are both non Ideal. What idealism asks for is the Truth. Imagine a world in which we all pursued Truth. It is straight back to the Plato in ancient Greece. Where people really felt remorse for their wrong doing, where they always strived to eliminate their faults and correct errors, where it was important to be Good and Virtuous, Straight-forward and True. We watch a media channel these days and it isn’t like this… and it isn’t that people make mistakes, it is that they either don’t know they are making mistakes or they don’t care. We have Tony Blair still trying to justify the Iraq War at one end of the spectrum and some murderer trying to appeal against the court decision at the other. It is not what they have done but that they don’t care which is the problem. But this is the Real world. “My Muse” was a psychologist on a Grade A prison dealing with murderers, rapists and paedophiles - “her guys” she called them. She knew Reality tho I suspect she actually enjoyed it too. I can’t even watch Eastenders it is too boring how trivial and wasteful life is portrayed there – that is how different we were. On that subject how do people get drawn into Eastenders – there is no plot or even creative skill just people going from one trivial drama to another. I’d love to write “Weststarters” about a group of people from Eastenders who break away to start up a colony in which all the problems and narrative devices of Eastenders where solved once and for all – which would be a very short story indeed! For starters “shut up you cow” would be replaced with a chat to clear up misunderstandings. As I found out with the bike, problems -  maybe always - arise from understanding.

The question to resolve is this do we snake through life or do we try and play it straight. England are not going to win the world cup in style or with glory. They never do. It will be like the 2007 Rugby World Cup where they sneaked into the final like rats. It is never with flair or with style charging into the stadium drenched in blood after a solid battle. With England (historically as well) it is always done through shady deals, compromises and by the skin of their teeth. They never look like the side who should win even when they do (well they did in the final in 2003 but it’s a rarity). Looking at the world map would anyone have thought this tiny Island could fool half the world into allowing it to rule them. India could have physically eaten us for breakfast. It certainly wasn’t done up front through physical might and truth. It was simply a lie that people bought: the British Empire was like rats over running countries. Watching sports there are always two winners. Those who won the game, and those who played best and they are statistically unrelated. The Realist follows the winner of the game, the Idealist the one who played best. Now my mind and my body are beginning to feel the need to “win” for their own sanity, while the De Niro in me still wants to continue playing “the best” even if it gives me no results (although the analogy doesn’t quite work because De Niro would want to win – but certainly Hoffman would be happy just playing). There are arguments for both sides. But maybe for a while I will take my foot off the peddle and be more Realistic, allowing things to take their course… this isn’t going to solve the questions of which direction I take in life tho, it will only allow me to make them! And writing that I realise how lives are made and why mine isn’t made… but to up anchor and cast off into the maelstrom of the world or not to up anchor and cast off into the maelstrom of the world: that is the question – I believe Buddha advised against it. Do I really want to end up as another compromised individual caught in a shady world (like the Bike) between competing claims on one’s industry? In a world where the winning move (by the rules) is often the wrong thing to do (ideally)… like most US over seas policy (and that is where their current problems have come from)… am I not wiser to play it straight? OK enough writing let’s see what happens… off for final bout of tuition.