"My Muse" & Self

The whole issue of my muse is all certainly digested and in the Past. 14 years from start to finish - I'm clearly a slow learner; I hope the other issues in this blog resolve more quickly!

Put very simply the actual issue was that of self - which i was deeply aware of at the time but lacked perspective. I valued my muse a lot (more than anyone else) and certainly sex with her was more valuable than anyone else. She on the other hand did not share either this value of sex or herself. Now at the time I could take that three ways: either I was wrong and she was not valuable (as a friend said about herm as he didn't consider her worthwhile), or she was wrong and she was valuable, or thirdly we were both wrong and right and depending on how you looked at her she was valuable or not valuable. Certainly the third is correct. For example not everyone would find her attractive, and more obviously not everyone would be sexually attracted for example other women.

The problem then lay in my bias to my own conditions. I found her attractive, the most attractive, and it was my existence stuck on that side of the argument that I found so difficult. I now don't see her as so valuable so I haven't resolved the issue of self, but I am able to see her side of the argument now which is that she is just another girl looking for sexual thrills and why shouldn't she have them. But to see her side I have had to forget about my side.

What is ideal is to be able to switch between sides while they are prevalent and relevant. But to do this we need to understand and master ourselves.

This is the essence of the illusion of self and of attachment: the inability to switch between our own desires and attitudes and those of others. It implies that we remain ignorant to the fundamental reality that what we find ourselves desiring and attached to is not of our own choice: it is rather chosen by the situation we find ourself in; but this is chosen by our past actions - that is Karma. So when we see our own mind state and desires as the total product of our genes and experiences we then understand that we have as much "right" to it as anyone else, and also we understand that it is only relevent to our own genes and conditions. Now to deeply understand that means we can step outside the limitations of our conditions (by SRH that wisdom cannot be conditioned itself and must be un-conditioned [it is only the lack of wisdom that is conditioned - the onion skins of illusion that we must remove as it is often referred to]). Once we can step beyond our own limitations then we see how other people are trapped within their limitations and that inspires (1) compassion, (2) equnimity toward the interaction of our position and theirs, and (3) the loss of suffering.

That is the theory I'm still on the road of ending Dualism by weakening one side to see the other. The next step would be to desire again but not be attached to it, keeping equanimityand freedom as I go... dangerous... not ready yet.