On Endless Desire

(From notes)

Either I'm not very good at it or I'm a coward, or secretly sceptical, or unlucky but whichever way I realise today more deeply that getting something is only ever a means to another end. There is no thing you can gain which will end the craving. My belief that I have been stuck with for a long time was that falling in love would give me the thing I am missing in life. This become "my muse". I realise then however that it wasn't so simple because that entailed fighting for status to be desirable and to be eligible. Now I realise that even had a fallen in love did I really think that would be the end of it and I would lie my head in my lovers lap adrift in halcyon summer meadows for the rest of eternity? Somehow my heart still believes this is how it is. Watching others (as if I needed to to see this almost a priori truth) lovers become families. Even homosexuals who one would have thought had sort not to be fertile and sort not to involve themselves with children are now gaining the rights to family. It seems a certain progression for all couples. And then there are other issues like a better home, and a better job, and then schooling for the kids , and then the desire that our children do well at school and all the desires heaped on them and then just as we think it must end, we then end up having desires for grand children and expectations for their lives and then finally we die ... to be reborn and the cycle continue.

Desire is never satisfied, yet it is Desire's power that makes us think that the next desire will end all others. This is the most ancient realisation but I am only awaking to it slowly now.

>A quote from a 1060s Hollywood film I forget went "A king can get whatever he desires, but can he chose what he desires?"

>A friend was saying what if some magic was powerful enough to influence the lottery balls. But then we realised that if such a power existed everyone would be using it so the result would be no change. What we need is not the power to make the lottery balls come up how we want them, but the power to make us want what the lottery balls will come up like! Of course even with this power the lottery would then just get split evenly and no-one would make any money either.