The previous post about identity reveals an example of Grasping (Tanha in Pali).
While I don't agree with it politically the debate over gender, or any identity, reveals Tanha.
I had the experience of being called a "Paki" once and I liked it. It was like I imagine being on stage and being someone else for a minute. You literally take off one identity and put on another.
Now your rational brain kicks in to clear up this mess. No you are not, gives evidence that you have never been to Pakistan, have no ancestors who have ever been there, don't know anything about it etc etc so you are not. End of story.
No because the damage was done. Regardless whether it is true or not, it revealed that you can drop even the most fundamental thinks you think about yourself. IT is like you boss saying that a Hawaiian shirt is the wrong dress for work. In one sense he is correct, but this doesn't actually stop you wearing one.
I guess this is what the transgender debate is about. You can argue that someone is male. But this does not stop them dropping that identity and choosing another.
The problem with the politics of this is that the boss can always tell you to take that ridiculous Hawaiian shirt off and get back in your suit. And you should not care! When transgender feel suicidal over their prescribed gender and want to change it I suspect its a bit of spoilt brat syndrome, crying in their bedroom because Mummy has said they can't have the Nike trainers and plotting to kill themselves. You should not be this sold on any identity. Just as easy as it is to take off, it should be to put on.
So what does this have to do with loneliness?
Probably the most fundamental identity that rationally we never question is that we are somebody.
When the boss says "who over filled the printer and jammed it" we definitely become a someone who gets blamed. Just like not wearing the Hawaiian, them's the rules.
Now this is where I have been confused until today.
We accept that not wearing the Hawaiian is company rules, but we can still do it if we want. Company "rules" are not reality, they are just the way things are done. We should not take them lightly, "rulers" are the measure of things and give things there shape and size both in maths/science class and in politics. We are not in any way being radical about society and politics here. We are accepting our culture as it is, with all its normative oddities like banning Hawaiian shirts in the office.
But we do understand that we could always wear an Hawaiian shirt to work. The West has made this very confusing as if you did this many people would love it as an act of rebellion against the powers that be. You may get the sack and become a martyr and a legend. But really this is just another layer of 1960/70s counter-culture Sex Pistols rules layered on top of the old traditional rules. To be a Punk had just as many rules attached as not being a Punk. The lesson is that you could chose.
Choice is already an object of religious worship in the West what has this blog to add? When the boss says you cannot wear the Hawaiian shirt how do you feel? That is the moment we experience the Grasping and Tanha, or lack of it.
When I was called a "Paki" how did I feel? That was the moment of Grasping and Tanha. Well in my case I had none. As said above I accepted the label like an actor assuming their character on stage. It doesn't mean I "am" a Paki, any more than Oedipus "is" Oedipus in a stage production. But the fact I can switch shows that when I return to the "truth" it's not fundamental to me cos I can leave it. That "truth" is just the rules.
Likewise when the boss says lose the Hawaiian and get in a suit, my resistance is just grasping. Made complex by the Sex Pistols and counter-culture respecting disrespect of the establishment, so that we can grasp at counter-culture to think we are rebelling, when actually we just found a new set of rules and tribe to grasp too. A true rebel holds on to none of it. They are as easy in an Hawaiian as a suit. And they can switch as easily as an actor on stage.
So where does that leave us with Loneliness?
Continuing where I left off, probably the most fundamental grasping is to being someone. And certainly that is a suit the world constantly wants us to wear.
But this is the remarkable thing we can take it off. When we are watching TV, or even when we are asleep, or perhaps reading a book, or lost in planning something in all these moments we are not someone. We have put it down. A classic is when we stop to listen to someone, or sympathise, or empathise with them. We watch the NEWS and some tragedy captures out attention and for a minute we listen to their story and we are not ourselves for that second. More often imagine what they are saying by putting ourselves in that place, but we can also just listen to them. We aren't aware of these moments, they just come and go easily before our rational mind kicks in and reminds us to put the jacket on of being someone because that is the "truth."
It is not the truth. It is just the rules of the world.
The truth is that we can take off "being some" at any moment and how easy that is depends upon how much we grasp at being someone.
People who are suicidal are in a real trap. They want to kill themselves, yet who do they think is going to do that? They somehow have to respect themselves enough to do the act of killing, to remove that thing which has got it together to kill. I know someone who failed in suicide and his incredibly poisonous mother reminds him "you couldn't even get that right." But that does reveal that the person you are killing, must be called upon to do the act. At what point do you stop being someone in suicide? Surely death by your own hand binds you to be someone to the very end, even more so than any other type of death because you are the killer! You must be there at the end. How ironic for someone who claims they want to be rid of themselves.
To get rid of yourself is incredibly easy. Just let go. Stop holding. You are no one and you never where. The world just wants you in a suit, but it's not yours. That being someone is just a suit. And the tension is simply down to holding too tight ironically to the suit. Many people are happy to get home and take the suit off, but some people get confused and can't be separated from it. I "AM" someone they insist. Grasp, grasp, grasp and you can't take that away from me.
Well "who" is someone? You could argue. If you really are someone then that person is doing the grasping, they are not the person grasped. So that someone who is grasping can also just let go and still be someone. You don't become yourself by what is grasped, you are the grasp. You can wear and grasp at the Hawaiian or the Suit.
So we are back to choice. But its bigger than the Western concept of choice that comes from somebody choosing. Choice is actually powerful enough to even decide whether to be somebody.
What does it feel like to let go of being someone?
Well my "Paki" experience was what it was like to let go of being a race or ethnic, national community. There is a rush of freedom. That was coloured by feeling like I suddenly belonged to a whole new community.
Letting go of being someone is like opening the window to the outside world. The air flows in and surrounds you and links you to everything that is the world around you. I use the word "you" here which is a shame because it builds the idea of being someone again, but it is just the accepting of being part of the whole world. In crude terms when we die, nothing changes. Our body decays and gets recycled into bacteria and plants and life goes on completely oblivious to any "death." We always were part of the great wheel of life, we just put on the suit of the world for a bit.
So again what has this to do with loneliness? Well hopefully it is obvious that this comes from grasping at ourself too much. I "AM" someone we insist. I want to be noticed, I want to talked to by someone who recognises me, who see that I am real. I want to share time with people and be loved. Well who is the somebody who want all this? They are already here and none of this list of things can change that. So just take off the suit and stop being someone while you have the wonderful time way from people who will only ask you to put it back on.