aretez ou allez

The Yahoo article has precipitated further progress on this long running problem... the "my muse" situation...

Just to recap recent thoughts... the day we met I experienced both allez (go) and aretez (stop). Allez because she was giving me the green light and aretez because I knew "this was it" and I had finally met the girl of my dreams. But in that conversation the green light went amber - she was 17 and I knew that this could never be for real. The next day I overheard a conversation: she had this millionaire boyfriend in Kensington and so thought that friendship would be best until I knew the situation better. She stayed with him for 2 years and I found out at the end that he cheated on her all the way. Such is young love I suppose, hearts are made to be broken (Iris, Goo Goo Dolls). Anyway she designated Friendship out of this situation and stuck to it which was not the plan, and I'm not as chivalrous as I thought and walked away. For future reference I thought that friendship ment "piss off", actually it can mean friendship. At least I thought I can still love her as friends, which I did, but it is impossible - hearts of this kind are envious, jealous and selfish!

Anyway the point? The Aretez was stronger than the allez. I was not so concerned about the green light, as the fact that this was "it". Of course to be "it" it needs a green light, but it was the peace that this afforded, the end of the road, the stopping searching, the arrival that counted. I feared if she has a millionaire boyfriend she is not interested in arretez though? She is young, her life ahead, she will be allez the whole way...

So the problem is, and why this takes decades to solve: if I move on, then I am chosing allez again. If I remain with her in my mind then it is arretez, but it is a painful stop because I still haven't resolved the selfish heart.

In Eastern religion (I mistakenly hoped she had read) the arretez is plainly the point. This is the homecoming of the soul. This is life purpose, and the distractions which make us allez simply the hollywood movie that blocks out the pain of being lost away from home.

I always thought she was so happy, it never occured to me she might ever be otherwise. This is why it was so hard for me to reconcile the feelings of utter doom that I have discovered coincided with each of her car accidents and her ultimate death. It is so tragic that the year after we lost contact she bought a gerbil. It died the very next day. She was inconsolable and her family had to drive to university to comfort her. How can she have been like this? Reminds me of the moment in that Wall when they play Comfortably Numb (my music conscious is definitely coming back). Life does hurt this is the truth, this is life, it hurts for everyone, even the goddesses. This is the Little Mermaid that we all are - the cost of having mortal existence and the chance to satisfy desires is pain in every step, even for "my muse".

I know this situation is not unique. We all have this, each has their "muse". The question is a global one, I hope the answer is too.

So I am skeptical of the call to keep running - "there are many more fish in the sea". If there is another "muse" then the last one is not "it", and so neither is the next one. "It" is a dream. There can never be aretez, only allez.

But, people do get married. Is this because of aretez, or because they are tired of allez? Marriage is breaking down, arretez doesn't seem to last very long these days and its not long before we fall in love again and allez begins. People seem more interested in "being married" than spending their life with Her. Desire is often the only motive. In cultures of strict chastity I believe many men get married young simply cos its the only "official" way to get satisfaction for desire... what a disaster awaits if this is the only motive!

Indeed desire is the problem, it distorts the mind. If I did not have desire then friendship and love would have flourished. It would have been perfection, she would have been it, we would have been happy. But desire distorts a noble mind, fills it with base thoughts and motives. I suffer from these thoughts still, but am winning the battle to cleanse them. The jealousies, the angers, the passions: all distortions of the self.

when young life is simpler because the passions are not so strong. We see things more clearly. I knew when young that what the great teachers were asking, what God ultimately wants, is not the same as what desire wants. I knew one day i would have to make a choice between Girls and God. I put this off thinking I could do both. If I became perfect then I would have the perfect girl. Not so! A girl will ask of you things that your soul cannot give, and so we debase ourselves and enter the flesh market to win and lose, buy and sell our bodies. The choice is simple: we either escape the lure completely and be liberated, or we fall in completely and die like a bee into honey. Most lives are spent walking around the honey pot rim: Death sneaks up on us while we decide!

The alpha males: the George Bests, the Hugh Hefners attract the guts. These seem on the surface to be the direction that we seek. But on closer inspection are not these pale, plastic and vulnerable people? If you are a Demon isn't it incredible easy to test these people and win? Simply take away the women and what happens... we see it all the time... alcoholism and self destruction. The demons win every time.

No to be strong and noble we have to be a bit tougher. I'm confused however because on the one hand I wish to respect women like "my muse" but on the other hand I simply cannot respect what they look for in a man. The Aryan goal, the nobility, is to know oneself, to be true to oneself, to be at home with oneself. Such men as these become a girl's best friend. Men should chose to be a girl's friend then a true boy-"friend". This honestly seems to be the case. And in that case why not jiust be everyones friend and remove sex from the picture... and this is the monastic path... it seems the only goal.

So it follows that ultimately when sex has eventually lost its attraction in this life or the next, or the next, that we humans can arrive at a peaceful aretez in deep and honest friendship.

Such is the dream! Desire for sexual intimacy is a very great demon that causes very much pain, the battle that has claimed many a valiant hero, the battle field strewn with the bodies of young contenders, their souls screaming in anguish as their eyes and minds decieve them.

Its a medaeval reconstruction, and sorely out of favour in the liberal world of today, but as far as I can see today my soul tells me its the truth. Isn't it just easier to sell out and get a girl? Sadly not for me... I seek aretez... Roxanne puts a red light in the window for a very good reason!