So after recent explorations it seems there is indeed only one inescapable conclusion which no matter how you twist and turn is there right in front of you: if "self" is a mental construct, a doll we manufacture to help us process the world, but which itself has no life, then unfortunately we need to put it back in the play box.
It is actually quite a heart breaking moment.
And the worst bit about it, is that the doll is probably (in my case) actually of a fully grown human being with responsibilities, history, knowledge, great skills, respect and a place in the world. It is actually a very cherished doll and the very last thing it thinks should happen to it is go back in the box.
In the world of mind nothing is simple and there are mirrors around. I think the doll is more than a toy, I think the doll is actually "me" and is actually the one putting other things back in the box.
Every time it writes a blog page, or gets some understanding or resolution on matter of mind, the doll wins and gets to put things in the box. I fully think this doll will enlighten!
But if we stop for a second to see the absurdity of our normalised way of thinking it looks like this:
The unenlightened person on the path to non-self at some stage probably imagines the doll being the one who is putting the ignorant self in the box.
As long as we live our life through an imaginary and constructed "self" we will never gain freedom.
The sad moment is when we realise there is no escaping it. Play must end and the doll must be put back in the box, so we can leave the room and have our tea.
It is a sad day, and there is no escaping the deep heart wrenching experience of looking at the ego and seeing it as a lifeless mental construct that up to this moment we have enjoyed playing with, putting in situations, fighting battles with imaginary enemies, being a success and a failure winning, losing, being a king, being a peasant, being worthy of adoration, being the most hated person in all the world, having hope, being in despair... and so it goes on. This doll has been the unfailing character at the centre of our whole life. And we have kept a good record of all its adventures.
This is why stories, myth & legends, novels, films and even all those anecdotes we tell in the pub are so appealing: it is all part of the great story telling we tell of our hero self and the world.
And indeed this doll has a part to play in all this. But the big reveal is: it is not really me, and it isn't even alive. We have to learn to put it down and not live our life through it.
The problem of course for this kid (me) is that all it can see in the room is the doll and the horse. When it plays it can manipulate the doll and get it to ride the horse and though this we can ride the horse. This is a very satisfyingform of play because everything is seen, and we completely forget that we are the one with life who is actually making the doll and the horse move. This is the essence of how we think about our life.
For an adult the doll is inside and the situations more abstract. But who has not had that experience at work where someone like John says something cutting and we are taken back and don't respond. We then get the doll out and sit in our mental playroom to go through this situation again. So John said "With Caroline on the team the project should run much more smoothly this time" and we know "I" aka the doll, was on team last time so this obviously means the doll is being criticised. So the doll needs to fight back. Perhaps we say "Well John were on both teams so no chance of that." Oh that feels good, the doll takes a clear and precise lunge at John. We imagine his doll flying across the room completely taken out and landing by the bookcase complete broken. Me Doll wins John Doll is a crumpled mess. Then we think, "perhaps that was a big aggressive it makes Me Doll look like the bad guy, lets be more subtle." Perhaps we were right not to fight back, but instead lets imagine the project fail and get get the win and vindication later on. So we get John and Caroline dolls out and rehearse the project failing. They both end up being flung across the room and ending in a messy pile by the book case. Me Doll wins: John and Caroline Doll complete losers. Feeling much better we get a moment of calmness and think perhaps we are being a bit over reactive. Perhaps John was not really referring to us. It is true that project failed but it was complex and lots of people were involved and no one really saw it coming. Perhaps John was just being [positive that Caroline might make a difference. We go and pick the dolls up from the floor feeling a bit bad that John Doll now has a chip on his face. We set all three dolls on the horse and try some more positive play.
But if we stop who is doing all this? It is not Me Doll, or John or Caroline. It is ALL mental fabrication. And then if we get philosophical for a second Who is doing it? We instinctively look around for Me Doll to answer that question. BUT it doesn't work. Who is manipulating Me Doll to play out these stories?
So 99.99% chance we find a new doll, or go and buy a new doll, so that can be the True Doll. But it is always the same: Who is playing with this doll?
There is no escaping this. Whenever we go into mental "play" space and thinking this through we are just picking up a new doll.
The point of Vipassana Meditation is to watch the play as it happens. If we are able to tell the difference between the lifeless doll and the action we put into it then we are seeing exactly the difference between mental constructs and reality. This is where the whole NOW thing comes from. The unfolding of play occurs in the NOW. To get into the past or the future we need to imagine the dolls being in different times, but to do that we must do it NOW.
But the point comes when we realise the doll is just a mental construct that we pick up and play with but it is not us, and all the stories that we have invented about it do are not about us. This comes with sadness, like the last time we ever opened our play box. This day is a profound day of transformation and moving on, but leaving the past behind particular when we have grasped it so tight is always a poignant moment. When that thing we let go of is none other than our self it is especially meaningful.
Pema Chödrön notes this kind of sadness when we have to put things down. But it is an odd experience, because while there is sadness, there is also the knowledge that we are leaving through a door into a new world.
Our old habits remain. We probably go through the door and then immediately want to celebrate by getting the doll out of the box enacting the whole thing again with the doll. It will rarely be a single move, but weaning ourselves off the doll is a major stage in growing up.
It forms a critical moment in Buddhism called the "Stream Enterer" and if done fully forms a stage that means we can never go back to confusing the doll with our self.
Upon this foundations comes the rest of our life with many perfections that lead to Enlightenment.
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