Nucelus Binding Force

In physics one of the major forces is the nuclear binding force which holds the protons and neutrons together.

In Biology one of the forces that governs life might be called the "Nucleus Binding Force".

Most creatures have 2 copies of the DNA in their nucleus. One reason is that since nuclear mass and body mass are related it makes for bigger organisms. It also allows for more complex coding as features can be controlled by the interplay of opposing genes (alleles). It also enables sex because special cells can be created with just a single copy which can fuse with those from another individual and create a whole new organism with dual parentship. This enables the rapid mixing and selection of genes increasing evolution and adaptation rates to changing environments.

Early organisms simple split in half, the nucleus replicating. The children began to stick together to create multicelled organisms. The job of splitting into separate colonies is just a matter of some cells budding off. Eventually special sex cells were created which could mix the genes of budding colonies. More complex organisms have the ability to both bud and to have sex. Especially in insects the ability to have children from just a single parent is advanced. But they also have sexual phases as well.

In many organisms the ability to have asexual children is lost, for example nearly all the mammals an exception being the naked mole rat. The force that drives the reproductive behaviour of mammals is thus the force to bring the two halves of the DNA in each sex cell together. The look in the girls eye, the pheremones, the brain chemistry, the hormones, the desires, the courtship and excitement, the sex, the partnership are all about closing the gap between her half a DNA and yours. That is the nucleus binding force and it is extremely influential and strong.

Freedom n Boredom/Ego

OK at last i'm almost completely free again :-)

I love no body, nobody is attached to me, I have no responsibilities, nothing left undone, no debts, no problems, nothing in my diary. It is complete open skies.

With one exception my cousin wants me to be godfather to her daughter. Out of duty I must do it, but i am jealous because it opens the door on that other life which I am trying to close. If I can love her child, then I feel unable to resist the desire for my own child.

It is a terrible blow because it shows how I have progressed not at all toward my dream of liberation. I still desire relationship, love, family and by implication then worldly involvement and responsibilities.

The problem seems to stem from boredom and ego.

I have analysed to my satisfaction now that the feelings of love and attachment, of sex and desire which go so far to fill our lives are nothing more than drug experiences. A friend who was a heroine addict has told me that heroine is better than sex and love because it effects all the endorphin receptors of the brain at once, not just a small percentage like with sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, penetration, euphoria, ecstacy, rapture: all these things elicit a different cocktail of endorphin responses. Heroine does the lot at once! Addiction to these is no better than addiction to drugs.

The mythology that justifies these things and which wraps society around them I have explained to satisfaction also. The "Myth of Love" results psychologically from the belief in ourself as being special, and so we seek that same specialness in a sexual partner. In reality the nature of that partnership is just chemical and biological - the drive to have sex viz the endorphins, and the motivation to reproduce which is one of the oldest forces in nature. The "Nucleus Binding Force" I want to call it.

Society has enveloped these quite basic things in ritual and protocol and absorbed them into mythologies that support those customs. Unfortunately the myths have closed our minds to the underlying truths and freedoms that exist and we feel compelled to obey the myths. Romantic Love is one such myth which we do not have to obey. The fact that homosexuals feel compelled to marry is another example of the power of these myths, even when underneath they do not suit our needs.

At root we chose the identity of our loves to reflect the belief we have in our own uniqueness and our needs. I have chosen a beautiful indian girl who wrote poetry because I believed that she would be the right partner for my spiritual journey. She was a celestial being of unrivalled uniqueness because that reflects my own belief that i am unique and special. It suited my needs and the coincidences and luck of it seemed to point to destiny which enabled me to disguise the painful truth that really we are totally responsible for our choices. I chose her. I can unchose her. There is nothing any deeper than that.

Trashing myths as I am doing is a very destructive process and what remains afterwards? The myths have gone, but that does not change the fact that she opened up to me a new level of specialness that I must recognise is present in all humans. She will always be special, for me the connection will remain, we may indeed meet in future lives, but wiser... or is that just another myth?

So the myths are trashed. Just as hunger, do the desire for partnership and children, the need for that comforting cocktail of endorphins in the arms of a lover, that something to fill the day.

And if we don't get it, if we somehow are left by the roadside, that sense of ego that why should I not be enjoying this like everyone else? Why should they have it and not me? The ego factor that I suspect is one of the major driving forces that pushes people together, into replicated housing, into replicated lives, that smoothes over the differences and the freedoms that are available. I am special, but so is everyone equally. I don't need to do anything to prove that, whether through family, love, money or anything such satisfaction that might fill the life.

And so their remains boredom. What to do with the vast space that is life? So much of what we might do is just a filler, a drug experience or moment of joy to fill the vastness. The vastness which seems like depression when we encounter it from the heady heights of love and passion, from lives filled with drug experiences, searching excitements and pleasures.

Maybe this is the chance I have now to look long and hard at the stillness and try to sympathise with it, without getting off my seat in search of some new pleasure to fill my days, and without being goaded by the ego to catch up, or be jealous over what others have...

Mongolian Bar

Well u know how Mongolian BBQs have fuck all to do with Mongolia... why not have a drink as much as u can bar where you make up your own booze combo in a bucket and give it to a barman to shake n serve...

The Art of Non-Duality

This observation about the nature of Romantic Love gives an excellent demonstration for the language of Non-Duality that occurs throughout philosophy texts both in the East and the West.

We might say:

Noone is special because everyone is special.

What does this mean?

Well "my muse" has evidently been extraordinarily special to me. More special than anyone ever. However we also know that everyone has that extra-special person in their lives (apart from themself ;-).

Now comes the realisation that she is only so special because to mate I need to find someone, and that someone my ego dictates must be as special as I think I am myself! So her specialness is an illusion sprouting from the illusion that I am unique and special.

So the illusion dies and I see that everyone thinks they are unique and special and everyone seeks that unique and special partner. Everyone is equally special in their own eyes, and their partners equally unique and special in their own eyes.

However that does not distract from the fact that within my life I respect the uniqueness and specialness of "my muse". Nothing there has changed.

So there is this slightly uneasy and contradicting position where I respect her in every possible way, hold her in the highest esteem yet at the same time understand that this is replicated around the world in everyones eyes and so she is not really that unique and special.

Satisfaction with that contradiction is bliss!

Life without desire?

If we can make the decision to rejoice in the mind above all its contents,
To rejoice in being alive, in being able to perceive a world,
Above any particular things that we might have or want
- and make that commitment solid,
Then we are ready to live without desire.

This is Buddhas middle path. The issue for us is if we do not attend to our desires and we remain sitting through all eventualities then don't we just fade away.

In place of desire we have "compassion". Thus we think, "my body is dying without food, I should feed it". This is the same thought we might have for another person who is starving. And so deliberate intention and awareness take over from impulses and desires.

But I stress again this is only possible once we have made the full committment to stay seated! If you try and do both as I have done you get completely messed up and you suffer doubly!

So we developed a seated posture in our hearts, and we act outwardly through compassion.

We do not enforce either seated nor compassion though. If we have strong desires and we wish to rise then so be it! If we doubt whether to rise then we must make the decision, but leave morality and social convention out of it because attendance to these will only give us social acceptance - which is at best only favourable.

To rise or not rise that is the question. And the answer is urgent!

Stay on my Seat!!!

Famously the Hindu God Shiv does not rise from his meditation on Mt Kailash for anything... except with great seduction for his wife Sati.

This is a good illustration of the difference between the life of liberation and the life of worldly living.

The latter is the usual experience of wanting and our decision to go and get that wanted thing, and the trials and tribulations of the process. The success, the failure, the satisfaction, the despair ... all the opposites that we negotiate to end the wanting.

The former path requires us to remain seated during every desire. In other words to forgo the getting process, and to forgo the leaving process in the case of unwanted things.

We all know that desires come and go. How often is getting something was so important that we could not afford to fail? Normally we accept the possibility of defeat and move on. The problem with the myth of Love is that we are fooled into thinking that this 1 person is so special we cannot afford to fail. It turns bad because there is no freedom.

So if we can accept that few desires are that critical then we can sit through most things knowing that the desire will come and it will go.

Now there is great suffering in this strategy if we are not entirely dedicated to the path. Like Shiv I was kicked off my seat my a possible partner, but I was still awares of the value of remaining seated and so I have hung around undecided ever since - unable to get seated again because of her, and unable to sort things out with her because I have this instinct to go back to my seat.

Well that is the choice that I still have not made. Right now I have binned morality and eithics. These are not useful things. As someone from Bosnia once said to me: when you are in the middle of it morality doesn't come into it, you are fighting for your life. When we are in our life stream morality is abstract and mostly unhelpful. It is obvious whether what we are doing is really right or wrong, whether we have regard for other people is the only rule: ultimately what Jesus said - do we treat others as if they were ourself?

If we are going to get off our seat then we enter the simple game of desires. There is no other way. I want that, I will get it: I want that, I won't get it. I hate that, I will avoid it: I hate that, I won't avoid it. What we desire be it a cup of tea or sex makes no difference.

The only problem with this approach is that the more used to getting off our seat we are the less likely we are to ever return to our seat. However forcing ourselves to remain seated as I have discovered is equally pointless.

On the other hand we should remember that all the wise do say that being seated is the best. Why? because in reality everything that we strive so hard for has only one important effect - and that is the effect it has on us. And where are we? we are not out there, we are always here and now. So it is only because we carry ourselves with us everywhere we go and into all these new situations that we can experience all the things we desire. But, it is not the new situations that count, but ourselves and the here and now.

Once we realise that the self is always with us, the mind is always with us, and the places we go and the people we visit and the things we do are not always with us - we know our true friend and our true nature. Being seated we are with that true nature always and that joy is the joy of being seated. In reality the seated person in a closed cell has everything the playboy adventurer has! That is the key mystery to uncover.

But I insist that this does not come with force. I have forced the issue, I have suffered because I have strived too hard down a path. I needed to because I had no guide and was hungry to know this other path. But it was horribly painful because I was not entirely resolved in my decision.

Understand and Decide. That is of the utmost, urgent priority!!!

Glastonbury

Took a weekend break with the ex who is back in UK for the week. Decided to go to the Mendip hills and stayed at Glastonbury, a place I have always wanted to visit. No particular reason. I've been smoking, drinking, eating junk food and generally not giving a damn about things.

We arrived at the Tor to watch the sunset. Almost as soon as we got to the top I was overcome with the energy of the place. A warm nurturing glow, completely fulfilling and I felt suddenly at home, peaceful and at rest. It was the same feeling but stronger that I had gained on my walk to Land's End where I had passed 14miles South of Glastonbury unable to walk through due to time restraints. It is also the same energy I had first encountered in its most powerful form in "my muse". What a revelation that was. I had to take cover and cry. If only she had known about this maybe she would have found satisfaction in another path, spiritually amongst the bards rather than mundanely and physically. Or maybe what I sort in her was really something in myself and she was quite another person? I will never know, even her sister does not seem to know. Her inner space cut off from the world, I will always wonder if I ever set foot behind the veil, behind the enigma.

For now her image is restored even replaced by the energy that I found this weekend, and I feel envigorated and peaceful, in touch once again with what I thought I had lost forever.

Unfortunately such a feeling of peace and satisfaction was not so good for my ex who found I was far too chilled out to be romantic. It is true that peace is the enemy of sex. In a sanctuary there is no stirring and this means no anger and no lust. Why when we are peaceful should we get up from our seat?

The master of the temple said that the wise value peace over pleasure. However he also says that the Bodhi-mind (Buddha mind) is not a rocking chair. Apparently peace can be a source of action for the welfare of others.

This was not what I was feeling however. I was resting. Satisfied after a very long struggle for this energy, this nutrient for the soul. I had thought it came from a woman, now I realise it is more fundamental than that. I can rest it does not need to be sort after, it is free energy ... I hope.

My muse had many features which illustrate this energy. It is quite cliche in fact. Her favourite colour was a deep indulgent blue, her favourite animal the dolphin, she loved the moon - daugher of the moon was my name for her, in all things like this she had a persuasion. I cannot believe even now how she was overcome by more mundane things. Maybe this loss of innocence is the necessary way of the world... for most at least... she always spoke of becoming corrupted - it seemed her only goal in life at the beginning. She sort the company of murderers, paedophiles and rapists in her work, no only to help them I felt but for the thrill of it too. An extraordinary juxtaposition - one that ultimately over challenged and broke my spirit.

The problem I face now from Glastonbury is the hippies. While the energy is right, beautiful like I found my muse, the mind finds it absurd. It is a different energy from Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity. These are higher and purer energies - compassionate and transcendent. I am talking about a more earthly energy, like a food, that satisfies in the here and now. It is rich and indulgent and calms the cravings for this world. My attitude to others is that I cannot help, but that they should find this satisfaction themselves and relax.

Whatever this energy is I feel I must follow it for now. It stems my sexual desires, it replaces my muse, and it brings peace from endless searching. This may be a platform to a higher existence, or it may leave me once again high and dry and starving for simple worldly pleasures.