Glastonbury

Took a weekend break with the ex who is back in UK for the week. Decided to go to the Mendip hills and stayed at Glastonbury, a place I have always wanted to visit. No particular reason. I've been smoking, drinking, eating junk food and generally not giving a damn about things.

We arrived at the Tor to watch the sunset. Almost as soon as we got to the top I was overcome with the energy of the place. A warm nurturing glow, completely fulfilling and I felt suddenly at home, peaceful and at rest. It was the same feeling but stronger that I had gained on my walk to Land's End where I had passed 14miles South of Glastonbury unable to walk through due to time restraints. It is also the same energy I had first encountered in its most powerful form in "my muse". What a revelation that was. I had to take cover and cry. If only she had known about this maybe she would have found satisfaction in another path, spiritually amongst the bards rather than mundanely and physically. Or maybe what I sort in her was really something in myself and she was quite another person? I will never know, even her sister does not seem to know. Her inner space cut off from the world, I will always wonder if I ever set foot behind the veil, behind the enigma.

For now her image is restored even replaced by the energy that I found this weekend, and I feel envigorated and peaceful, in touch once again with what I thought I had lost forever.

Unfortunately such a feeling of peace and satisfaction was not so good for my ex who found I was far too chilled out to be romantic. It is true that peace is the enemy of sex. In a sanctuary there is no stirring and this means no anger and no lust. Why when we are peaceful should we get up from our seat?

The master of the temple said that the wise value peace over pleasure. However he also says that the Bodhi-mind (Buddha mind) is not a rocking chair. Apparently peace can be a source of action for the welfare of others.

This was not what I was feeling however. I was resting. Satisfied after a very long struggle for this energy, this nutrient for the soul. I had thought it came from a woman, now I realise it is more fundamental than that. I can rest it does not need to be sort after, it is free energy ... I hope.

My muse had many features which illustrate this energy. It is quite cliche in fact. Her favourite colour was a deep indulgent blue, her favourite animal the dolphin, she loved the moon - daugher of the moon was my name for her, in all things like this she had a persuasion. I cannot believe even now how she was overcome by more mundane things. Maybe this loss of innocence is the necessary way of the world... for most at least... she always spoke of becoming corrupted - it seemed her only goal in life at the beginning. She sort the company of murderers, paedophiles and rapists in her work, no only to help them I felt but for the thrill of it too. An extraordinary juxtaposition - one that ultimately over challenged and broke my spirit.

The problem I face now from Glastonbury is the hippies. While the energy is right, beautiful like I found my muse, the mind finds it absurd. It is a different energy from Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity. These are higher and purer energies - compassionate and transcendent. I am talking about a more earthly energy, like a food, that satisfies in the here and now. It is rich and indulgent and calms the cravings for this world. My attitude to others is that I cannot help, but that they should find this satisfaction themselves and relax.

Whatever this energy is I feel I must follow it for now. It stems my sexual desires, it replaces my muse, and it brings peace from endless searching. This may be a platform to a higher existence, or it may leave me once again high and dry and starving for simple worldly pleasures.