Freedom n Boredom/Ego

OK at last i'm almost completely free again :-)

I love no body, nobody is attached to me, I have no responsibilities, nothing left undone, no debts, no problems, nothing in my diary. It is complete open skies.

With one exception my cousin wants me to be godfather to her daughter. Out of duty I must do it, but i am jealous because it opens the door on that other life which I am trying to close. If I can love her child, then I feel unable to resist the desire for my own child.

It is a terrible blow because it shows how I have progressed not at all toward my dream of liberation. I still desire relationship, love, family and by implication then worldly involvement and responsibilities.

The problem seems to stem from boredom and ego.

I have analysed to my satisfaction now that the feelings of love and attachment, of sex and desire which go so far to fill our lives are nothing more than drug experiences. A friend who was a heroine addict has told me that heroine is better than sex and love because it effects all the endorphin receptors of the brain at once, not just a small percentage like with sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, penetration, euphoria, ecstacy, rapture: all these things elicit a different cocktail of endorphin responses. Heroine does the lot at once! Addiction to these is no better than addiction to drugs.

The mythology that justifies these things and which wraps society around them I have explained to satisfaction also. The "Myth of Love" results psychologically from the belief in ourself as being special, and so we seek that same specialness in a sexual partner. In reality the nature of that partnership is just chemical and biological - the drive to have sex viz the endorphins, and the motivation to reproduce which is one of the oldest forces in nature. The "Nucleus Binding Force" I want to call it.

Society has enveloped these quite basic things in ritual and protocol and absorbed them into mythologies that support those customs. Unfortunately the myths have closed our minds to the underlying truths and freedoms that exist and we feel compelled to obey the myths. Romantic Love is one such myth which we do not have to obey. The fact that homosexuals feel compelled to marry is another example of the power of these myths, even when underneath they do not suit our needs.

At root we chose the identity of our loves to reflect the belief we have in our own uniqueness and our needs. I have chosen a beautiful indian girl who wrote poetry because I believed that she would be the right partner for my spiritual journey. She was a celestial being of unrivalled uniqueness because that reflects my own belief that i am unique and special. It suited my needs and the coincidences and luck of it seemed to point to destiny which enabled me to disguise the painful truth that really we are totally responsible for our choices. I chose her. I can unchose her. There is nothing any deeper than that.

Trashing myths as I am doing is a very destructive process and what remains afterwards? The myths have gone, but that does not change the fact that she opened up to me a new level of specialness that I must recognise is present in all humans. She will always be special, for me the connection will remain, we may indeed meet in future lives, but wiser... or is that just another myth?

So the myths are trashed. Just as hunger, do the desire for partnership and children, the need for that comforting cocktail of endorphins in the arms of a lover, that something to fill the day.

And if we don't get it, if we somehow are left by the roadside, that sense of ego that why should I not be enjoying this like everyone else? Why should they have it and not me? The ego factor that I suspect is one of the major driving forces that pushes people together, into replicated housing, into replicated lives, that smoothes over the differences and the freedoms that are available. I am special, but so is everyone equally. I don't need to do anything to prove that, whether through family, love, money or anything such satisfaction that might fill the life.

And so their remains boredom. What to do with the vast space that is life? So much of what we might do is just a filler, a drug experience or moment of joy to fill the vastness. The vastness which seems like depression when we encounter it from the heady heights of love and passion, from lives filled with drug experiences, searching excitements and pleasures.

Maybe this is the chance I have now to look long and hard at the stillness and try to sympathise with it, without getting off my seat in search of some new pleasure to fill my days, and without being goaded by the ego to catch up, or be jealous over what others have...