Celebacy, Energy, Sex n Mirror Trap

So its almost 2 days since I took the vow. No looking at women "like that". I have erections still but no responding to them, let them come (not cum ;-) and go. Its easy for me at the moment cos I am sick of the other way, its so pointless and I am terrified of getting trapped now into a sexual relationship n family responsibilities which seems so biological, basic and narrow minded.

Plus I want to escape this mirror trap of love, and I want to escape the waste of energy that sex is.

Now the energy is higher it can be used for sex tho v easily! In a local shop today I saw a girl who seemed "my type". Now I'm not doing this for real cos of the vow, but I played the game n wanted to give her the eye. Its the eye that i recon does the work, and if u got the energy that is where it all happens. By the time I had bought my stuff she was flirting beautifully, it is a very attractive sight indeed! Never as well as "my muse" used to, but i begin to realise now where all that energy between us came from.

So what happens I recon is that we generate energy especially through inner resolution. It is not through self control, or forcing oneself to do what we don't want. It is thinking it through and generating inner resolution to store energy. That is not going out into the world to get stuff, not using the energy.

Now what happens is that eneregy starts to manifest in the world. Firstly through sexual interest in girls. That is the first hurdle. At the peak u get the celestial interests that I found with "my muse". Then its onto a whole new celestial level. U get the manifestations of spirits, psychic powers and ultimately Gods. If we understand that these are manifestations of our energy it is ok. However if we think the Gods have somehow come to visit us, we are stuck in the mirror trap! but on a very high level!!!

U see if the woman is your special sexual/spiritual mirror image, then who is hers? The reflection can't have you as its reflection cos where does all this start? Reflections are never real, there is only one origin and it is at the start. If we confuse the manifestations outside us with things separate from us, and worse we use those separate things to in some way mirror us - give us self security or the like - then we are founding our self upon a reflection in a pool and suddenly we lose the origin and we lose everything.

This is how energy leads people into temptation and ignorance. The wisdom is the realisation that the origin has no form, it is us! and the manifestations that occur around us, from lovers, to Gods are just mirror images of us and we do not see them as anything but reflections.

This is not new. But I have never seen before the connection between low-energy human relations and high level spiritual relations - like with Gods. This is the stuff that has gotten me confused for ages.

So that the key to much of life then. Centre energies and dun waste them chasing every single manifestation that comes your way.

St Michaels Lay Line

OK this is even more rubbish. But I definitely had this wonderful energy on Glastonbury Tor and its the same as I used to enjoy with "my muse" and its the same I felt on the castle mound at the village of Mere. http://itsnatural.port5.com/w_gaia.html

Strange tho I don't get this energy at the ancient sites: Stone Henge or Avebury, which are supposed to be on the alignment.

Putting this together especially with the Gaia experience at Mere it makes me think that its earth energy. However if the Pagan stuff don't give me the energy, but stuff that has a Christian relationship does then maybe its a higher eneregy. A confusion 2b resolved.

Anyway I'm off to the area to see if I can trace this so called Lay Line and see if there is any source to that energy in Glastonbury and Mere. Shall try and start at Stone Henge like on the Land's End walk, but follow the energy signals rather than the A303... if they are different. I may try to douse also, if i don't get too embarrassed ;-)

The vow of celebacy made 2 days ago is a totally brilliant idea, my energy is so much purer and stronger now. It may seem mad to do this, but there is no way otherwise. You can't do sex and spirituality at the same time. Fact! and I have tried, and if "my muse" was ever confused by my mixed signals this is because of this fact which I have ignore far 2 long!

Acashic Records

Now i used to be completely open minded but skeptical about all this stuff, and i still am. But I dun see the point of holding back anymore, may as well just see what is out there... and so begins this phase of life... "my muse" had this side and I never explored it with her, she said just once she could see spirits, why did I dismiss it, u dun just say things like that... so much just starts to fit into place... i suppose my time was not right then...

I die in 2048. That was the answer to the question I had asked for a few days. My palm definitely says I have a long life, the Nepali guy at work confirmed it. I wanted to know so i could plan what in the hell to do. The other question is do I go married, or spiritual... or more to the point which is the most productive. Anyway no answers there yet.

So without any planning the other night as i entered sleep i suddenly remembered this thing a guy at college told me. He had taken over my first year room at college when i went to second year and had heard a lot about me so wanted to meet... left some reputation apparently. He was just beginning on a path of psychic things and told me about this old shamanic method of visiting the Acashic records where u could read from the vast store of information in the astral plane.

I had recited this method to my work college just to recall it but definitely with the intention of visiting. It came back as i went to sleep. Just as I was falling asleep I positioned myself infront of the cave entrance, the one in the method, with the intention of taking the first left turn as i went in. U are supposed to summon your spirit guide etc but i've no recollection of this. It was not done using the usual daily intention, somehow this happened in the dream this was not me doing it.

All I remember was waking up with this number 2048. I also remember going through this pile of heavy leather bound books, very fast, unable to read the words. So I concentrated. i remember testing them - asking questions that I knew the answer to and then looking at the books. When the words became visible it was absurd answers. But somehow I woke up with this number and it was the date of my death. Its not quite like a dream, it was far further away, it was hazy, it was almost like it was a recollection of someone elses dream rather than my own. But i now remember it enough to write it down and to wonder where in the hell i got that number from. Its not an absurd number dying aged 77 makes a lot of sense.

Anyway i don't plan to make a habit of doing this, or do i?

some extra stuff, cos i really dunno anything about this,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akashic_Records

Drugs n Buddhism

Yesterday at 00.07am UT was Equinox and a new start. I took a vow of celebacy for ... um ok only 2 weeks but its a start. Recentre my energy, n hope to come off these damn brain drugs! Love n sex.

The question is what is controlled by endorphins and what is not?

If endorphins are addictive? and love and sex are just addictions evolved to keep us in the biological running... what is life like outside the biological running?

To perceive the world from the standpoint of our own endorphin rushes seems hopelessly small minded and selfish.

Yet we seem to judge everything according to these. Is every feeling of love I have ever had just a selfish person endorphin rush?

Definitely not, but I can't tell the difference anymore. Love does not hurt. If someone u love turns away from u, it should not hurt - its just the come down from the endorphin high that hurts... or the ego who got psychologically stuck in the mirror trap (u r my refelction aren't u? and the mirror imagine raises its middle finger and we feel lost)

So i'm comin off the drugs and it breaks my heart because I invested everything in that path thinking it was the right way.

"My Muse" remains as a force beneath the level of emotion, I have no feelings anymore something far deeper i have no wolds. She was a true friend. It is not pain anymore, maybe that is the core of non-endorphin love?

It was the drugs: the adrenalines, the dopamines, the endorphines that messed it all up. It was perfect, but in reality she was not mu mirror. That I have still the learn because if she was then who was I?

I can't be her reflection, and she my reflection? Someone is the origin?

But there is no origin, because all is empty. All forms illusions.

The ego exists, the body exists, the drugs exist, everything exists. But the world is centred around none of it. There is no centre to the world, because everything is interconnected, the Whole is the Centre of the world, and the Centre is the Whole of the world.

I am coming off the drugs - this is my red pill to see the world free from the billions of years of evolution that have trapped me in this body, hopefully with a vision that extends beyond the sensual skin and eyes that are the walls of my prison.

The first thing I ever wrote my muse was a short piece about my prison. The bars on the prison window the staves whose tune I danced to with the sunset and the scents that drifted from the fields of freedom far away... and behind me was a blinding light down an angled corridor and I went to follow but that was the end of my reverie. She said that she knew exactly what I was talking about, and in that moment our friendship was forged forever.

I wonder if she went to the light. I was stuck in this prison, still am stuck in this prison, a prison which makes more and more sense to me as time goes on. Where did those words come from, it just came to me from no where, a January afternoon stream of consciousness.

I'm coming off the drugs.

Is sex essential?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/connected/main.jhtml?xml=/connected/2007/03/20/nsex120.xml

Well as if to renounce what said yesterday an article in Telegraph was written at the same time giving the example of the bdelloid rotifers who even while asexual seem to adapt sufficiently fast to environmental changes to avoid extinction and to allow diversification.

Ok so there is more to the evolutionary story of sex... however this does not distract from the fact that it is not of spiritual significance and so not relevant to the higher realms of Life.

Ley-Lines

Just reading about Glastonbury on wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glastonbury n they mention about it being a convergence point of Ley-Lines. One of which is the St Michaels line.

Compare the Ley line here http://www.isleofavalon.co.uk/history/mysteries.html with the route of the Land's End walk I did from Reading http://itsnatural.port5.com/le/map.jpg. If only I had gone through Glastonbury which had been the original plan had I not been so pushed for time. This walk is what connected the heart energy that "my muse" had awoken with the Earth... stuff that makes no sense to me even today.

I'm reminded also of the Great awakening to the out doors that I got on a school expedition to the Snæfellsjökull peninsular in Iceland. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sn%C3%A6fellsj%C3%B6kull

This is supposed to be one of the Earghs 7 energy point http://www.destination-iceland.com/about/west/index.html.

Probably a load of rubbish but just a sketch of stuff...

Todo list

I am also selfish! When I have no one to love I feel that my energy is stopped. I have nothing to give n I wanna hide from the world. I wonder if its because I am selfish and I think - if i can't love who i want to then why should anyone else get it! That stops the eneregy flat.

Now I could say that if i entered a relationship and got the love then i would have lots to give other people. Which is part true. But in reality if the relationship kicks off properly we just funnel all that energy into a selfish family. So really I'm just selfish and if my eneregy is blocked its because I'm selfish.

So TODO #1 is to find a way of being more giving without expecting anything in return.

TODO #2 is to examine this issue of self that I now realise manifests in the desire for a "significant other". True Love is the manifestation of global equanimity, while selfishness is the manifestation of partiality. And the more partial the more selfish.

It is the mirror meditation - what relationship do I have with my mirror image. What relationship do I have with my thoughts, feelings and body - what "Mineness" exists in things which i call myself. I never fully solved that.

OK stuff to get on with to fill the void.