Anal Retention and sex

Sometime between being awake and asleep last night I analysed in great detail something about the relationship with "my muse". She was a psychologist maybe she aided me here. A critical part of it revolved around the moment of satisfaction. This was missed because as analysed before it was morally murky as she had a boyfriend and the complete unity that I was seeking would be impossible. So the issue of "when" and the moment became reflected upon. Now if I understand anal retention right the experience of a jolly good shit can be improved by holding back until a future occasion. This I certainly do with water where I realise that not drinking now when I'm sort of thirsty will give me greater quenching of thirst in the future. And this same structure I came to see in the relationship with "my muse". The whole thing was held in statis as the eternal waiting for satisfaction, in my mind anyway. She on the other hand went off and did her own thing.

Now at the time this was analysed completely differently. I was seeking the sexual experience to obliterate all others, no longer wishing to be tied to the usual cycle of most satisfying but still wanting more, or at least wanting more in the future. I wanted escape from this thirst. Desire was analysed as need for something we didn't have, and sexual desire then naurally desire for the female as I am male. This is why I considered homosexuality to be a negation of heterosexuality and not a thing-in-itself. It follows also that love is desire for the other and I am me. And in consummation of both sexual and spiritual beings one satisfies both the sexual and the existential incompletness. I was hoping to transcend my ego and balance my sexuality all in one go and once and for all. This is why it became and has remained such a massive issue. The term I learned from greek was ecstasis. She certainly didn't mind me talking about ecstacy, but I wonder whether she really followed what I meant. She would rather I showed her and that was the problem. To show her required a quite remarkable moment of unity, it never happened and I was never able to abandon myself to it.

That abandoning myself to "it" was the issue. Was I supposed to initiate this in which case it was a product of my ego and so really I was just getting what I wanted, or was she supposed to initiate it in which case I was the willing object or was it suppoed to come from outside. Well I did nothing, and outside did nothing. This incidentally is what I find so beautiful about marriage that an outside entity is called to witness the bond between two people something that they cannot make by themselves - marriage is the submitting of ones ego to an outside force! Its the ouroboros again: how can one person possess the bond with another person within themselves? It must be extrinsic.

Now in my slow deliberate analysis last night I saw it differently, that I was simply delaying an experience so that it would be better when it came. This control I see as anal retention. And it is also maybe masochistic in that one is getting pleasure from denying oneself something, and in that it was sadistic in that I was denying someone else of what they wanted.

Now this feeds heavily into the analysis of celebacy and my understanding of monasticism. I have made enormous progress in celebacy. There is pleasure from celebacy. I had analysed it as the preserving of energy and the purity in not viewing women as objects of desire. Certainly as I child I had realised that spiritual clarity and academic performance was associated with celebacy. Sex makes me lazy and sluggish mentally... so does depression and so depression from not having sex or a wank can look like the same - but celebacy that stems naturally from that light feeling of being spiritually bright and pure inside is different. It is energy and I was generating it on my walk and people were influenced by it. Since coming home all that has collapsed, I am exhausted, iritable and unwell! The demons are winning, but I think this is how it seems when you finally start swimming against a tide.

However let me view celebacy with anal retention glasses. Does not sex become an issue of control and we gain a masochistic pleasure from denying ourselves it, and we gain a superiority from having mastered it?

Tie all that in with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and it sort of fits together. The obsessiveness, the tidyness, the need to organise things, to master things, to understand things, to control things stems then maybe from a fundamental behaviour pattern of seeking control over ones satisfactions by delaying the moment. Or does the OCD make me behave like this to my desires?

Also, regarding the blog, the search for a view of life that is true, could this be viewed as a need to control? People have said to me before that I shouldn't think, I should just experience life. Plato has the most famous response to that. But my experience of life leads me to think because what people say and what I experience are totally different. Do control issues lead one to master their world, or is it a natural response to dissatisfaction and the wish to find satisfaction?

Maybe it is easier at this stage then to simply give up seeking satisfaction. Well that is very close to where I am and being celebate in that view is part of that.

So I go around in circles. But, at least that musings in my sleep are recorded.