While in a Narcissus state of mind, and I say "Narcissus" not Narcissistic because this is a very normal state of mind, where we take the image or conception of our self actually as our self. We become transfixed by the reflection of our self in the world forgetting we are the creator of that image and conception. And I say "while" because no state of mind is permanent. But while in this state of mind we have a clear concept of our self. Attached to this are various qualities that we believe are valuable and sexual prowess is one. We can argue this is a valid import from our biology as sexual success is essential for passing on genes. But this distracts from the details that it is imported onto a concept, and we project the value of our society and our own onto this.
So while sexual desire is quite natural, this gets modified by the concept and gets harnessed to achieve the values we attach to that image. We are good in bed, or more we need to be good in bed to match this image.
Now being good in bed makes us out like a porn star which does not fit our values. So this aspect of our self concept is in some contradiction.
Another broader side of this self conception is that it is fragile. We are inclined to hide it for fear of ridicule or it being challenged. We may think we are a good singer, but we never take it further for fear of finding out this image is false and we are not. What this tells us is not whether we are a good singer, plenty of people are not, but that we have rolled it into our self conception. To find we are not a good singer is not about singing but about the rug being pulled on the reflection we love so much.
Likewise we are inclined not to express our sexual desires and needs directly for fear they will be ridiculed and the rug being pulled. The classic is being honest with a girl how we feel only to find it is a pipe dream and it's not going to happen. Of course it may which has challenges of its own. So the coward retreats into Chivalry! In this state of mind we do not declare our needs directly but instead project them onto the object of interest. "I want to be with you" becomes "I will aid your loneliness by staying with you." And in bed "I will not attain my own gratification" but "I will help you attain yours."
Wow that looks like a moral challenge as usually we value the submission of our own needs for those of others. But this is the point of the post there is a charlatan here.
Absolutely recognising others' needs and being able to adopt them before ones own is an essential skill of the person who can drop adoration for the reflection! We don't need to do it all the time (which is a misunderstanding of Jesus on the cross) we just need to be free enough to be able to do it easily.
This looks exactly like the coward attending to someone they want as though they are giving, when in fact they are looking to take. In the extreme case it is the salesman courting a potential customer when we know all they want is the sale. A salesman may not be happy with this image, so they "Chivalrise" it by imagining that the customers are benefitting from their sales, and indeed they are serving the customers by delivering a product.
These look the same. They are not. However in the real world there is always a bit of both. When we court a woman we obviously have our own needs in mind, she is expecting this. But she is not looking for a narcissist who will make everything about them self. Although now we get into more complex psychology because some states of mind prefer to subordinate to an all powerful ego and live vicariously through that (see Master/Slave in Hegel).
Not being gender stereotyping women are just as bad at narcissisms this as men.
These two states turn simply on the ability to drop fixation on our reflection or not. All the dark personality traits are just this.
This same issue affects solitude and silence.
We all know the deep settling joy of solitude and silence. But a word of caution.
If we slam the door to gain some private space, this could well be an inability to drop ourselves. We will find no peace in this silence and solitude because we still have the stress of grasping at our reflection. Perhaps we ran to protect the image we have, too much criticism and attack of our cherished self model. We remember Jesus on the cross: that image should be there for destruction if we really want to be free. But we cherish it and seek protection in silence and solitude.
But no beating up that self image for being self absorbed and hiding. That is more self image. Use the silence and solitude to explore the grasping of this image. This is the correct way. A pained, worried, defensive, angry self does not learn it grasps more.
That is well described in Aesop's Fable of the Sun and Wind. The Wind bets it can blow a man's coat off, but the harder it blows the more the man pulls tight. So the Sun shines and the man starts to sweat and takes off the jacket. If we wish to remove protections and attachment, kindness and warmth is the way.
Now Jesus says pray in silence for then the Lord hears you. And Buddha refers to the joy of solitude in initial states of meditation. This turning inwards is a source of great pleasure. I hypothesise this pleasure is from the ability to let go of "external" conceptual distractions, which must include the self. So this is quite different from the wishing to be "alone" which is an egoic rejection of the outside world which challenges that ego. This is the guess of this post.
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