Learning To Fly

I am becoming aware of a whole horizon that i have only seen at certain points in my life. It is one of the oldest syrgggles that I have known. At 2 points in my life before I have gotten a control of myself, overcome my fears and my sadnesses and pushed out into the new terrirory of being myself. The first began with learning to juggle. I thought that combining the teaching my brain to take into account two things and a third would push me out of the confines of a depression. I began a new phase in life. The second was at college where I put all social anxiety behind me and learned just to talk and be extrovert. In all cases it ended back in depression because some failure (especially with girls) pulled away my joi do vie and my desire to go on. I retreat too easily.

So I am coming back to this point again. How? The issue of my current phase is that I have let go of th perfection that I found with "my muse". With her I was able to be the person I am, to enjoy life for itself, to be at peace with being. It was glorious, but it did depend upon her recognition of me. Had she turned me away, it would have been simpler but I would have lost this perfection. I knew this. It was always tainted because it depended so entirely upon her and that is a terrible burden for someone else to take - to realise that someones whole happiness depends upon you!

It has been a painful and humiliating process to let my castles run to ruin and fall intpo disrepair, to adandon this perfect child to the wolves. It has felt wrong again and again to abandon that Eden in which I lived for a few years, a sanctuary without trouble or fault, without equal.
i am smoking again. An imperfection that my Eden would not tolerate. I am enforcing lust again an imperfection that my Eden could not house. I am lazy, I am careless, I am without respect for beauty or mankind at all. I am a lothesome creature again one that does not deserve to be in Eden.

And so I am being liberated from the past. I am letting go of the box and prison that Eden became. I am not perfect. i never was. It was a myth. It was a self intolerant ideal that I became controlled by.

Peace is not Peace but the acceptance of imperfection, of the horrible and base within us. This is what we are. Creatures of foul substance, with foul thoughts and unwholesome feelings and desires and what is worse it is good!

We must in no way shy or deny recognitiuon of what we are - no matter how horrible or unpleasant or humiliating or depressing. This is the greatest courage for which we will be rewarded!

It is infinitely better to be defeated and have the strength to see oneself as a failure, than to succeed and never have reason to look badly upon oneself! Love defeat for this reason!! Face the humiliation of defeat! for liberation from the fear of seeing oneself badly is the greatest victory.

There is nothing wrong in seeing ourselves badly if it is the truth because truth is the only foundation upon which to build the future.

This is absolutely NOT the call to abandon dignity and self respect! Rather dignity and self respect come from the courage to see oneself in whatever light is true. If we have done wrong, if we have failed, if we are sad, depressed then we must have the courage to look peacefully upon ourselves and not overt our gaze bacause we find ourselves too awful to contemplate! Always have the respect for oneself to see oneself for what we are, and that is alot easier if we abandon the Edens that we feel so important to attain.

And so I begin again. I have nothing but myself again. I live in no Eden. I have failed in many respects, especially "my muse" a useless friend and an even more useless potential partner. And I have failed myself because i let my greatest love, my life's love go unchallenged.

But I must face this for this is what I am and anything else is a lie.

So now Buddhism finally becomes relevant! Buddhism was not telling me that I should abandon my greatest love and make my heart fail in its purest endeavour, rather it was telling me that whatever happened it would be alright!

This continues into the next post...