I was told on Wednesday the details of where "my muse" came to rest and now the full hard nature of reality is unavoidable.
Everything that was so soft and beautiful now just dust in the wind and nothing remains of the girl i loved.
There is the greatest mystery here. How are we the living made from such lifeless stuff, and what happens to that life when we die?
Everywhere I see is death. It is unavoidable like the shadow of a great ant eating bird over the ants that scurry about in their daily lives trying to pretend that everything is ok.
All our lives is just a scurrying to avoid the shadow falls upon over everything and from which there is no escape.
If we lengthen our lives through medicine we are just putting it off.
If we think of the whole expanse of life upon this planet through its many incarnations, the evolution, we are avoiding the fact that 'I' will die.
Every goal and satisfaction in life is just a pointless hurdle to make us think we have control, to take our mind of this thing we have no control over - death.
It brings ones mind to a complete stop to see that there is nothing we can do. We struggle in vain, it is hopeless.
i was very clear on Thursday night saddened but crystal clear about the nature of reality. Everything is shadowed by death and there is no escape.
What we call "normal" life, of fun, and games, entertainments and diversions is really a masquerade to put off looking at death.
Normal man says that this is depressng talk but why? because with the games gone then yes reality is depressing.
But really should we hide. Red or blue pill? well i can't hide anymore that beauty which once filled my life has been reduced to ashes with no remainder no escape and no compensation. Everything is completely gone.
She kept and treasured some of the things i gave her. There are memories of how she lived her final years, memories of what we had.
But now the buried box of letters and poems at the end of my garden becomes of utter importace. In there lies a big chunk of her life, the only memories of something I foolishly wanted to believe would last forever!
i may have anticipated the End, written about the pain I anticipated, but I never saw it, not until now. Now i see death in his huge dark form.
I was clear but not clear enough. Life is very cool now, the fun has gone, the joy has gone, the cold light of day shines on all things which are stark in its unforgiving light.
But i understand this is what the monastics must go through to see the truth. There can be no more hiding "my muse" has unavoidably created her greatest inspiration.
So i haven't made it yet to a clear and deep undrstanding of the relationship of living people to this unfeeling world. Of the compassion that I should have for others when the unreal distractions have been evaporated.
Death is still a complete mystery, and life in the same breath is a complete mystery.
Apart from vain distraction. Apart from the selfish attending to ones own needs and feelings. Apart from the drug addiction that is love and sex. Apart from the one man band that is the absorbed individual enjoying his life. What lies out there? what is life itself? and what are we to make of it before it comes pointlessly and unavoidably to death.
We dream that what we do will have a lasting significance. There is no avoiding death for every single thing we do. There is no way to enter the future forever, everything will end, all meaning and significance of my life will be lost in time as it has for countless people before us. At best only transformed without recognition into new things.
Famous names remain but for how long, and famous to who? The inventer of the wheel forgotten though his invention remains as long as we have use of wheels, one day to be forgotten and rediscovered I am sure. No there is no escaping death. This is the final unsurmountable hurdle for the ego. In the flames of death it must accept defeat. "I" am of no immortal substance and the things that I surround myself with have no immortality. The dream must end.
No comments:
Post a Comment