Done It :-)

I just cleared my heart - a kind of reboot - when I received a google alert about a new species of large buttercup instead of the long awaited information about my friend.

Everything happens for a reason, at least in retrospect. The water flows the long way around a rock but when it reaches the other side its only grievance is the joy of a different story to tell.

No I don't need to know anything about my friend. She is dead. That means a lot I realise, it means that the future will be completely different from the past, it means that I dream of nothing and have feelings for nothing, that what could have been and what was are of no more importants in the world of the living.

The problem has been all these questions. What if... maybe I did it wrong, maybe i would have been more satisfied had things gone differently, maybe the future would have been better had she lived, maybe I missed out on something important, maybe...

In all of these thoughts something is blindingly clear: I believed that she was important and that I needed her for some reason/completion/satisfaction/bliss state of mind.

In reality however we know that we need nothing. The problem is that 100% of the world around us says something else, and almost everyone we meet strives and takes things from the world which i have understood to mean that they need them - or at least can't do without.

The truth is that we are perfect already and everything we take sits side by side us. We can't incorporate it into us, or make it a part of us. I wished that my consciousness or heart might fuse with this girl - it felt that way. In the cartoon "Ghost in the Shell" this is the romantic notion - it is a myth. Two do not become One, because the sense of 2 is simply a product of desire. She is important because I desire her thus she become my other, there are 2 and to wish they were one is to defeat desires process of separation. Better not to desire in the first place!!

I am healthy, I am fed, warm, happy yet I have suffered more than I ever imagined possible for this emotion/desire/love/need etc. It is insanity/addiction/delusion/mental disease. The truth is that it is utter myth to believe that we "need" anything. The belief that we have gained or lost is myth for this reason. I am enchantedly happy to have been her friend and that is it. Very happy to have loved her purely and without any negative feelings. That is it. It is gone.

To say this yesterday would have broken my heart. But the movement to let go is not one of rejection, non-care, hostility, hatred, unkindness but simply a pure realisation that my Being is sufficient and without need.

It puzzles me however that my rejections in the past - that I made to protect myself from becoming jealous and angry - caused her suffering. Maybe she was not so carefree herself? She said that she feared rejection, and she cried when I left. Ironically my need became a source of suffering for her - had I been as carefree as i am today then I would have stayed to the end - but i would not have generated such absolute devotion - but then I would have been stronger and a better support to her when her father died. Swings and roundabouts. Truth is King, Myth the Demon. I am free (after crying out yesterday to myself for exactly that!)

The question now returns to the Void space she leaves and that eternal question: what to do with thing called Life (before mine runs out also)?