And through this I will Be.
And with books and systems all behind,
I'll live a life that is me.
That was the slogan that began all this in March 1997. The call to myself to emerge from the Text and experience reality without narrative. Unfortunately my great aspirations ended in sensual love, and then lust and then negativity and Death.
But, one end is another beginning, turn from a door closing and see another opening.
My lab partner made me realise something yesterday: there are simply not the girls around (anymore) who understand spirituality. As a French house mate once said: no matter what a girl says or does, what she deeply wants is the best orgasm. That is what we call "making love". But that isn't Love - its a drug experience, one that I have been looking toward believing that it was the way to true fulfillment and happiness: infact nearly every narrative from Western Music to Eastern film says the same thing - it is a totally dominant and all pervading, almost authoritarian, imperative to us.
It causes great confusion to find that the girl you loves only wants a profound orgasm, when all you want is spiritual unity. But, I realise the mistake now - I have definitely been fishing in completely the wrong pool of water.
Looking into the pool that was "my muse" for the diamond of eternal happiness I notice a reflection that was looking at me, and while the reflection looked like me and I felt affinity with this creature, I have realised that it is not me and remains forever in the frame of that watery grave. Were I and my reflection to ever meet and become one, then there would be hope for man and woman and for love; but alas the future of my reflection when I walk away is to dissipate, cos for eternity we are doomed to be separate.
You see take a man and woman in naked sexual loving embrace: the reason for the embrace is that the man finds the woman attractive in her femaleness, and the woman finds the man attractive in his maleness. Her mind is full of him, and his is full of her. How then can these two minds ever be unified? For this either he would have to sympathise her attraction in him, and she his in her; or they would have to see beyond the difference of their sexuality and unify in a world beyond the differences of sexuality. In either case the experience of sexual-need in "another" is replaced by self-satisfaction as we are either enabled to take over our partners attraction in ourself, or to lose that attraction.
It is Yin-Yang. When we are outside the whole we can see the interrelatedness of the parts
So the project of sensual sexual love with "my muse" has ended. I know this because these days I am rid of the sexual frustrations and confusions surrounding the "failure" of that aspect of the relationship and of myself. "My muse" leaves a very peaceful and pure longing for a very close friend, a spiritual friend, a person whose identity within me was forged in the flames of lower desires, but who now remains as a diamond in my heart. There is no need anymore, I have lost nothing; in death she is as beautiful and wonderful as she was in life. Hopefully this might be the end of this rather selfish epitaph, which says more of me than of her, but for anyone who knew her, her name was Reena Mandalia, God bless her.
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