My Muse is me?

I am finding more and more out now that I am in communication and am receiving alternative narratives. My muse had many friends, altho i always remember her saying that I was her best. I also realise that maybe she did make a complete decision to pidgeon hole me as a friend rather than lover, because her loves tended to be rather shallow affairs from what I could tell.

It brings me closer to this realisation. Maybe she was not the person I thought she was. In which case the emmense beauty that i felt in her presence, and the emmense respect I had for her, and the emmense love I had for her were actually all created by me!

This means that the power of these experiences is not testament to her at all, but rather to the potential in my own mind. It is true that for whatever reason she was the key carrier to that special door in my heart I had been unable to open before. But now that it was opened do I need her anymore anyway? It was the question of how to open that door which is what had kept me searching as a child for this girl.

The question I have been puzzling all day and just now over dinner with my ex is: can the mind really be self-sufficient like the monks say?

If I have learned anything during this process it is that desires go REALLY deep. You can't just choose to turn them off, and you can't just practice them away. Desires ARE karmas and if you have them then you are in the cycle of rebirths and must face the joy/pain that comes.

Freedom is not the right to have what you want, because you are still governed and enslaved by your wants. Next time I want a girl I'm back into slavery. True freedom would be the freedom to ignore a want when it arises. This seems to be the opposite of mundane spiritual practise which tells you that if you do good things then you can get what you want. Isn't it better not to want things in the first place! Thank God I don't want a £10 million yacht at the moment!!! imagine the hastle and slavery involved in finding that sort of money for starters.

I would say of my muse and her sister now that they are simply the nicest and best people I have ever met. If I cannot be friends with them because of death or whatever obstacles then I feel it is because I have not attained the level of goodness. I still have a very great deal of purification to undergo to rid myself of negative impulses, negative attitudes and general mental weight, sluggishness and baggage.


I have also made a vow that in future I am going to only give in relationships, and expect nothing in return. If my partner does not give me what i want (sexually or otherwise) then that is just tough. If it gets too bad I'll move on. This is what I did with my muse, but it is only today when I fully understand what i was doing. I feel that the freedom that comes from expecting and demanding nothing of a partner is the greatest thing you can give, next to yourself obviously.

I also realise that we must be courageous enough to dare to think that we are of interest and value to other people. i said this before that when we desire people we often forget to see our own value. Rather than seeking other peoples value I am going to concentrate on my own value so that I can give this to others. Again this was my game plan in the past, but it got confused because in this "push the button" (Sugababes) world it seems that girls require the guy to make the first move, which I always confused within myself with taking. I do not want to take, but in future I will push the button so that i can give.

Interestingly this is all true to my original game plan as a child. Total respect for the other through sacrifice of ones own wants in favour of total giving. It is almost like monastic renunciation except it plays out like ordinary living. I wonder if this really works. Next stop is to try it ;-) !

p.s. Ex-girlfriend and I have finally come to an excellent resolution too! She accepts that i do not want the relationship, and she sees that not as rejection and devaluing of her, but simply my freedom to chose. It is my freedom to chose which has been totally rejected in this relationship for 2 years which has left me a bit like a caged animal and really fossilised in side. When she gave me the choice whether I wanted the relationship today I could feel the blood flowing back into my core, just the hint of a breeze on my soul as it came to life. The answer was no, but she understood. Now that is a truely amazing event. I can say I love her now! as a friend (now is this a hall of mirrors I am walking through!!??)

You can only have that which you are able to let go of.

or in Bono's words (U2) - if you hold onto something so tight, you already lost it.