I might have finally got this one clear.
I have always been afraid of losing my sense of respect or my love for someone in the sex act. The reason is that there is this temptation to be greedy and to take from the experience. In doing this they become an object of desire which is both appealing and morally intolerable. To avoid this risk I have always erred on platonic relationships with those I love to protect the spiritual component of relationships.
But it doesn't work because as I have discovered sexual desire does not just roll over and go away. There are levels of the experience which go light years beyond simple "wanting", getting rid of sexual desire is not as easy as getting rid of smoking. After 9 years I find I still have the complete kaleidoscope of unsatisfied desires toward my muse, things which I have been in a state of denial about all that time. Her passing on has awoken everything and thrown me straight back to the beginning.
I have made a resolution now not to be in denial about sexuality. It is something I must face and tackle fully. The mutual interaction between body and mind is something I have no choice but to mediate.
The key to the progress goes back to a small antique book shop in New Oxford Street. I remember finding this book of Chinese poetry and opening it finding a love poem. I read a section to the Chinese dance teacher I was accompanying that day. I forget the words but the meaning was this : the boy out of his love for the girl had the grace and virtue to offer her his body.
Sckeptics of love might scorn this apparently generous act as really just a selfish one. I think to some extent I did to. But last week having opened and examined the issue of sexuality again its real truth became apparent.
It is so obvious.
The fear I have had about objectifying a girl in the laser sights of sexual desire is quite rightly founded. I quick scan of pornography illustrates this predatory, objectifying mode perfectly. We are not encouraged to have loving feelings towards the girls in porn anyway - its name means the photographing of whores! But the solution is not platonic relationship as I have painfully been trying to achieve. It is what a hundred people have tried to explain to me before.
We can deny ourselves "sexual taking" from a partner as if it were a platonic relationship. This is the act of physical sacrifice associated with spiritual love. (I suppose the opposite for the true hedonist would be spiritual sacrifice in the name of physical attraction).
But we don't need to abstain from physical contact. Instead we can give our own physical existence to our partner in a sexual union.
Thus sexual energy is liberated (it being blocked is my personal crisis at the moment) but instead of being vacuously and very unsatisfyingly dissipated into space it is given to another. That giving of sexual energy I suspect now is the feeling of romantic love.
It all comes back to me now - the things I was working on. Sexual energy has many forms. Lying arm in arm with a partner and recycling ones breath with them can lead to the raising of spiritual energy to the heart. I think this is called the heart chakra etc. Physical sexuality and orgasm I have been told is linked to the base of the pelvis, so that kind of sexual activity lowers the sexual energy. I've only experienced the two - there are 6 I believe. Maybe I have a block in the throat, communication, chakra because when it comes to writing it never really works at the moment - altho the relationship with my muse was conducted almost entirely through writing and much sexual energy was given through that. She however still required the physical and that is where the pain set in - jealousy, misunderstanding, suspicion, feelings of inadequacy and eventually overwhelming sexual frustration but thankfully never anger or criticism. Hopefully all hidden from her when she was alive. I realise this week that giving her my physical body, had she accepted it, would have - if done right - enhanced the spiritual relationship. But since I didn't understand this then, just as well i didn't try.
So the conclusion for the future is not to outright reject expressing love through the physical, but rather see through the short term physical desires to the higher perspective of giving sexual energy at the level desired by the partner as both a gift to her and a sacrifice of oneself.
An obvious note: if the partner takes the sexual energy selfishly this is disappointing. Near the point of female orgasm I have always been disappointed at the distance between myself and the partner - maybe I have had the wrong partners - but it seems to be an internal experience for them. But if I think about it so is my orgasm a selfish internal experience...hmmm to be investigated
A search for happiness in poverty. Happiness with personal loss, and a challenge to the wisdom of economic growth and environmental exploitation.
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