Pride

It occurred to me this morning that maybe "pride" is my biggest problem. I am certainly too proud to ever get what I want, and have always rejected that wanting, rather than be its slave.

This is useful because there are 2 types of desire then. There are the food like desires which are not very specific - we just need some food, maybe today, maybe tomorrow and we aren't too fussed what it is. These desires I don't fight because I know I can deny them forever if necessary and can chose when to satisfy them. I only ate a few sandwiches in the last 2 days, bit of hunger easy to cure, no problem.

The other type of desire is much more specific, especially desire for a person. This desire cannot be satisfied anytime and with anything, it is very specific. The thought of going into action in such a slavish and demanding way fills me with loathing - I am too proud to be a slave, even to my own deepest desires. Going into action to try and get my muse was the most un-natural and unhappy experience in a way, I would have so happily let her go. My first night after seeing her I was awake till morning tossing and turning in agony because I knew what lay ahead and I didn't really want it. "Theory of Forgetting" was the short essay I wrote to myself in the twilight of sunrise under the yellow sodium light streaming through my window in that London street - that I could only have this relationship when I had the strength to get rid of it. Finally that day is approaching - almost exactly 9 years too late!

I forget the film but a character comes out with a great line, "does a man chose what he wants?". We think we have freedom to chose, but actually we are driven by our desires which are the products of unseen hands of karma and causation. And we must obey those desires else we suffer. Imagine the freedom if we could chose whether to attend to a desire or not! But then of course that is the central issue of the blog - where would the meaning in life be if we really could chose NULL. Isn't that the central point of Buddhism to?

I am too proud to attend to my desires. I am too proud to bend my back and work slavishly for worldly wealth, or power, or even sexual satisfaction. As a child my family marvelled in the total lack of concern I had for things, never cried, never concerned that my mother was or was not there, just sat where I was put - little did they realise that my lack of tears as a child would become tears as an adult because I would painfully resist all these pressures to do things.

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My lab partner just called and gave some input - he is wonderful actually, a great laugh and genuinely a help when it is needed. He wanted to know how I knew that he had stated spiritual practice again. It seems I just knew for no reason. He pointed out that, that was some kind of telepathy. I'm suddenly reminded of a past girlfriend who was empathic and what a nightmare that was for her because she couldn't tell whether feelings were hers or other peoples.
She'd get in such a mess trying to make sense of all these confusing emotions.

So then another narrative is that I'm an empath? The reason that I'm struggling with these relationships is that they are not my feelings. A girl likes me, I feel the feeling and then it feels almost like a job that I must respond. (That is how it feels). My inner response is there, lust, desire, love but I am loathed to do anything about it. Truely as I write and consider that all my loves may have been just "trips" or empathy I am filled with complete peace - this thing is no longer there to trouble me. My muse said of me that I reminded her of her hollywood pinup Mel Gibson (well she was only 17) she must have been excited by "seeing him", was I just getting her excitement?

There is one thought which disturbs the peace. I imagine my muse, 17, 18, 19 as she was when I knew her exploring her sexuality with some other man. I even met some of them. On the one hand so what. But there seems to be an inescapable question here, what did they experience that I have not experienced of this girl? Was it worth it? and wouldn't it have been worth me experiencing it. Now I'm disturbed again because I feel that "requirement" to act - as if I "should" have done something, that I let myself down, let her down, that I am somehow a reject for not having done something, a failure - as though there is some test here. But I am too proud to obey these external drives - what i want is peace and that means doing nothing.

"Why don't you sleep with her" I was once asked by a suitor. "Because there is more" I answered and tried to explain the beauty that was already there in my mind - I don't think either of us was convinced - he had slept with her then. What did they talk about? what did he know of her that I didn't? Why did he ask me? it makes me feel like I "should" have slept with her, but I am too proud to be raised into action by desires, only by will (which was at war with my desires then). It was torture, I have a broken hand from punching a letter box (ironic seeing as the whole relationship was done through these things).

They say the Pen-is mighter than the sword
But see the Penis far mightier than the word

I used to think to myself, is it true? When she was pursuing physical love it made me feel that I should have been doing that for her instead, but that was not peace, that was not the extraordinary beauty that was already in my mind.

So the question this morning - is this pride a good thing? or do I just give into desires. I satisfied myself with porn last night to test that, pure desire - it was quite depressing to lose all that energy, but it is true not fighting the desires makes for a more peaceful life.

The only problem though is what happens when strong desires arise again that need attending to...

just to add so this narrative does not explain however why I have been born with this desire to meet that girl, or one similar? (still don't know the difference). I do feel though that, that desire has been satisfied now.