There are building and names, walls and signs
Spread out across this canvas land
I see pastoral scenes of farmhands and cowmaids-in-repose
Painted upon this valleyed land
A magpie - with branch in beak - settles in a nearby tree
That has taken up its watchful place
Over this thriving land,
And all about the world unfolds
In the cup of time
That is this ancient land.
But the Earth, she remains,
The mother of all these works
And guides our feet as in times gone by
The source of all our mirth.
Call me a loser!
Call me a waster!
But what is there to lose?
What is there to waste?
When I have no need,
Nor nothing?
'Tis better to suffer all the slings and arrows of any fortune
For to do the other is always to turn to Death.
But this peace of which I speak, death it is not!
Not the still lifeless stone
That tumbles in the river flow!
This is Peace and Love
That smiles at death
and makes it of no consequence at all!
Friday, 30 March 2007
Conclusions of walk to Glastonbury
This was a very short wak only 25miles over 3 days but followed the line of the St Michael Lay Line which I understand follows the line between Avebury and Glastonbury Tor on a bearing of 241 degrees (compare with 248 on the Reading to Land's End walk). It began at Trowbridge and passed north of Shepton mallet. I had experienced a very positive energy like love at Glastonbury and I was looking to see if it was connected with a Lay Line.
I had no experience on the walk except in a place called Laverton in the morning of the second day. Turning left at a sign post into a high banked lane I was suddenly brought to a stop filled with this same positive loving eneregy. You can do nothing but stop in your tracks and drink it up. It is like being in love. The same feeling as at Glastonbury and the same feeling at Mere those years ago. I was there a good while - there is no reason to leave :-)
I did not prepare myself for Glastonbury nor expect anything. On arriving I learned something very important. Hot and busy from the walk I was not in the mood for the tranquil spiritual experience of the time before. It was only on calming down in the cafe Galatea in town that i refound that level of peace.
So I can conclude 2 things. Firstly that if Lay Lines exist I did not find any. I tried dousing with some wire i found but that seems to be a very complex art because how can u tell the difference between natural body wobbles and any meaningful signal? At the moment these energy sites seem to be disconnected.
I looked up some of the history of Mere. That castle mound has a very long history long before the 1100s when it held the castle. Maybe these energy sites are linked to some previous practice.
Avebury and Stonehenge leave me unaffected so it is not a neolithic thing.
I have decided that walking then is not the best way to discover inner peace. Altho exercise is a part of a health life. To be receptive to tranquility the body must be calmed and not excited.
It is also not a requirement to prepare oneself for spiritual experience! just let it happen and if it doesn't happen then that is the way it is. I have before approached these things feeling i had to be a certain way inside just let it happed there is no right way! It was like when told in greater detail yesterday about the funeral of "my muse" normally I would have felt it was a sacred subject and something i should prepare myself for, but i just let it happen and felt what i was feeling, what else can u do really?
I had no experience on the walk except in a place called Laverton in the morning of the second day. Turning left at a sign post into a high banked lane I was suddenly brought to a stop filled with this same positive loving eneregy. You can do nothing but stop in your tracks and drink it up. It is like being in love. The same feeling as at Glastonbury and the same feeling at Mere those years ago. I was there a good while - there is no reason to leave :-)
I did not prepare myself for Glastonbury nor expect anything. On arriving I learned something very important. Hot and busy from the walk I was not in the mood for the tranquil spiritual experience of the time before. It was only on calming down in the cafe Galatea in town that i refound that level of peace.
So I can conclude 2 things. Firstly that if Lay Lines exist I did not find any. I tried dousing with some wire i found but that seems to be a very complex art because how can u tell the difference between natural body wobbles and any meaningful signal? At the moment these energy sites seem to be disconnected.
I looked up some of the history of Mere. That castle mound has a very long history long before the 1100s when it held the castle. Maybe these energy sites are linked to some previous practice.
Avebury and Stonehenge leave me unaffected so it is not a neolithic thing.
I have decided that walking then is not the best way to discover inner peace. Altho exercise is a part of a health life. To be receptive to tranquility the body must be calmed and not excited.
It is also not a requirement to prepare oneself for spiritual experience! just let it happen and if it doesn't happen then that is the way it is. I have before approached these things feeling i had to be a certain way inside just let it happed there is no right way! It was like when told in greater detail yesterday about the funeral of "my muse" normally I would have felt it was a sacred subject and something i should prepare myself for, but i just let it happen and felt what i was feeling, what else can u do really?
Thursday, 29 March 2007
No burst of mammal evolution at end of dinosaurs
http://english.vietnamnet.vn/international/2007/03/678759/
Well it seems the first round of mammals to evolve into dinosaur niches came to dead ends and modern mammals evolved later.
Well it seems the first round of mammals to evolve into dinosaur niches came to dead ends and modern mammals evolved later.
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
Integrity is foundation for peace and happiness
Well my celebacy seems to be working now :-)
Having made the inner decision to completely abandon the search for women, which was the one thing in life I did think was worth it, I'm rediscovering peace.
This is how I used to feel as a young teenager when it was natural to reject my sexual desires and seek happiness instead. But as I got older I found this harder and harder, and also counter to societies (and women's) expectations.
Desires and Heroic deeds
Loves and Intense needs
Are NOT the way.
It is absolutely clear now.
As a friend of my sisters very profoundly said after seeking her dream job as a jet setting executive: sitting on concord flying to my next meeting I realised that it was still the same old me underneath. So she quit for a more relaxing life knowing that whatever she did it was still the same old unchangeable self underneath.
We seek all these things expecting the new cloak to somehow change us and fill the missing gap. That is the illusion of life. There is nothing to fill the gap. Infact the gap only exists because we keep finding things we think we want. Abandon the things we want and the gap is abandoned also!
Even if we had everything we ever wanted, the most intense experiences the most wonderful relationships, family and love we would still find the same gap inside - until we learned to let go.
Its hard to think this, but if we struggle in life I guarentee that you will struggle even if you had everything u wanted. The struggle is part of our own self's non acceptance of peace and itself.
Once we accept ourself then we receive the world
Struggle has got nothing to do with the outside world! Its a state of mind that is only solved inside. People often learn this thru struggle, because like in the army struggle will eventually beat u and then u will be forced to accept humility and peace.
Not very Nietzschian who would say that we should rise above all challenges and become the master. But once we are the Ubermensch - the super man - what then? what do we do with our supermaness? simply satisfy the vain whims of a autocrat? And has anyone ever become peaceful and found the end of craving through satisfying that craving? The word 'No' is more suitable to that question than to any other.
Integrity is the foundation of all this. The deep inner resolve to abandon the whims of fancy, to remain true to ones word. If one makes a promise simply keep it. there should be no struggle, just the inner resolution.
If one struggles then one has still not accepted the humility required to make such a vow, and so one will cook in the cauldron of suffering until that humility is separated out.
Having made the inner decision to completely abandon the search for women, which was the one thing in life I did think was worth it, I'm rediscovering peace.
This is how I used to feel as a young teenager when it was natural to reject my sexual desires and seek happiness instead. But as I got older I found this harder and harder, and also counter to societies (and women's) expectations.
Desires and Heroic deeds
Loves and Intense needs
Are NOT the way.
It is absolutely clear now.
As a friend of my sisters very profoundly said after seeking her dream job as a jet setting executive: sitting on concord flying to my next meeting I realised that it was still the same old me underneath. So she quit for a more relaxing life knowing that whatever she did it was still the same old unchangeable self underneath.
We seek all these things expecting the new cloak to somehow change us and fill the missing gap. That is the illusion of life. There is nothing to fill the gap. Infact the gap only exists because we keep finding things we think we want. Abandon the things we want and the gap is abandoned also!
Even if we had everything we ever wanted, the most intense experiences the most wonderful relationships, family and love we would still find the same gap inside - until we learned to let go.
Its hard to think this, but if we struggle in life I guarentee that you will struggle even if you had everything u wanted. The struggle is part of our own self's non acceptance of peace and itself.
Once we accept ourself then we receive the world
Struggle has got nothing to do with the outside world! Its a state of mind that is only solved inside. People often learn this thru struggle, because like in the army struggle will eventually beat u and then u will be forced to accept humility and peace.
Not very Nietzschian who would say that we should rise above all challenges and become the master. But once we are the Ubermensch - the super man - what then? what do we do with our supermaness? simply satisfy the vain whims of a autocrat? And has anyone ever become peaceful and found the end of craving through satisfying that craving? The word 'No' is more suitable to that question than to any other.
Integrity is the foundation of all this. The deep inner resolve to abandon the whims of fancy, to remain true to ones word. If one makes a promise simply keep it. there should be no struggle, just the inner resolution.
If one struggles then one has still not accepted the humility required to make such a vow, and so one will cook in the cauldron of suffering until that humility is separated out.
Thursday, 22 March 2007
Celebacy, Energy, Sex n Mirror Trap
So its almost 2 days since I took the vow. No looking at women "like that". I have erections still but no responding to them, let them come (not cum ;-) and go. Its easy for me at the moment cos I am sick of the other way, its so pointless and I am terrified of getting trapped now into a sexual relationship n family responsibilities which seems so biological, basic and narrow minded.
Plus I want to escape this mirror trap of love, and I want to escape the waste of energy that sex is.
Now the energy is higher it can be used for sex tho v easily! In a local shop today I saw a girl who seemed "my type". Now I'm not doing this for real cos of the vow, but I played the game n wanted to give her the eye. Its the eye that i recon does the work, and if u got the energy that is where it all happens. By the time I had bought my stuff she was flirting beautifully, it is a very attractive sight indeed! Never as well as "my muse" used to, but i begin to realise now where all that energy between us came from.
So what happens I recon is that we generate energy especially through inner resolution. It is not through self control, or forcing oneself to do what we don't want. It is thinking it through and generating inner resolution to store energy. That is not going out into the world to get stuff, not using the energy.
Now what happens is that eneregy starts to manifest in the world. Firstly through sexual interest in girls. That is the first hurdle. At the peak u get the celestial interests that I found with "my muse". Then its onto a whole new celestial level. U get the manifestations of spirits, psychic powers and ultimately Gods. If we understand that these are manifestations of our energy it is ok. However if we think the Gods have somehow come to visit us, we are stuck in the mirror trap! but on a very high level!!!
U see if the woman is your special sexual/spiritual mirror image, then who is hers? The reflection can't have you as its reflection cos where does all this start? Reflections are never real, there is only one origin and it is at the start. If we confuse the manifestations outside us with things separate from us, and worse we use those separate things to in some way mirror us - give us self security or the like - then we are founding our self upon a reflection in a pool and suddenly we lose the origin and we lose everything.
This is how energy leads people into temptation and ignorance. The wisdom is the realisation that the origin has no form, it is us! and the manifestations that occur around us, from lovers, to Gods are just mirror images of us and we do not see them as anything but reflections.
This is not new. But I have never seen before the connection between low-energy human relations and high level spiritual relations - like with Gods. This is the stuff that has gotten me confused for ages.
So that the key to much of life then. Centre energies and dun waste them chasing every single manifestation that comes your way.
Plus I want to escape this mirror trap of love, and I want to escape the waste of energy that sex is.
Now the energy is higher it can be used for sex tho v easily! In a local shop today I saw a girl who seemed "my type". Now I'm not doing this for real cos of the vow, but I played the game n wanted to give her the eye. Its the eye that i recon does the work, and if u got the energy that is where it all happens. By the time I had bought my stuff she was flirting beautifully, it is a very attractive sight indeed! Never as well as "my muse" used to, but i begin to realise now where all that energy between us came from.
So what happens I recon is that we generate energy especially through inner resolution. It is not through self control, or forcing oneself to do what we don't want. It is thinking it through and generating inner resolution to store energy. That is not going out into the world to get stuff, not using the energy.
Now what happens is that eneregy starts to manifest in the world. Firstly through sexual interest in girls. That is the first hurdle. At the peak u get the celestial interests that I found with "my muse". Then its onto a whole new celestial level. U get the manifestations of spirits, psychic powers and ultimately Gods. If we understand that these are manifestations of our energy it is ok. However if we think the Gods have somehow come to visit us, we are stuck in the mirror trap! but on a very high level!!!
U see if the woman is your special sexual/spiritual mirror image, then who is hers? The reflection can't have you as its reflection cos where does all this start? Reflections are never real, there is only one origin and it is at the start. If we confuse the manifestations outside us with things separate from us, and worse we use those separate things to in some way mirror us - give us self security or the like - then we are founding our self upon a reflection in a pool and suddenly we lose the origin and we lose everything.
This is how energy leads people into temptation and ignorance. The wisdom is the realisation that the origin has no form, it is us! and the manifestations that occur around us, from lovers, to Gods are just mirror images of us and we do not see them as anything but reflections.
This is not new. But I have never seen before the connection between low-energy human relations and high level spiritual relations - like with Gods. This is the stuff that has gotten me confused for ages.
So that the key to much of life then. Centre energies and dun waste them chasing every single manifestation that comes your way.
St Michaels Lay Line
OK this is even more rubbish. But I definitely had this wonderful energy on Glastonbury Tor and its the same as I used to enjoy with "my muse" and its the same I felt on the castle mound at the village of Mere. http://itsnatural.port5.com/w_gaia.html
Strange tho I don't get this energy at the ancient sites: Stone Henge or Avebury, which are supposed to be on the alignment.
Putting this together especially with the Gaia experience at Mere it makes me think that its earth energy. However if the Pagan stuff don't give me the energy, but stuff that has a Christian relationship does then maybe its a higher eneregy. A confusion 2b resolved.
Anyway I'm off to the area to see if I can trace this so called Lay Line and see if there is any source to that energy in Glastonbury and Mere. Shall try and start at Stone Henge like on the Land's End walk, but follow the energy signals rather than the A303... if they are different. I may try to douse also, if i don't get too embarrassed ;-)
The vow of celebacy made 2 days ago is a totally brilliant idea, my energy is so much purer and stronger now. It may seem mad to do this, but there is no way otherwise. You can't do sex and spirituality at the same time. Fact! and I have tried, and if "my muse" was ever confused by my mixed signals this is because of this fact which I have ignore far 2 long!
Strange tho I don't get this energy at the ancient sites: Stone Henge or Avebury, which are supposed to be on the alignment.
Putting this together especially with the Gaia experience at Mere it makes me think that its earth energy. However if the Pagan stuff don't give me the energy, but stuff that has a Christian relationship does then maybe its a higher eneregy. A confusion 2b resolved.
Anyway I'm off to the area to see if I can trace this so called Lay Line and see if there is any source to that energy in Glastonbury and Mere. Shall try and start at Stone Henge like on the Land's End walk, but follow the energy signals rather than the A303... if they are different. I may try to douse also, if i don't get too embarrassed ;-)
The vow of celebacy made 2 days ago is a totally brilliant idea, my energy is so much purer and stronger now. It may seem mad to do this, but there is no way otherwise. You can't do sex and spirituality at the same time. Fact! and I have tried, and if "my muse" was ever confused by my mixed signals this is because of this fact which I have ignore far 2 long!
Acashic Records
Now i used to be completely open minded but skeptical about all this stuff, and i still am. But I dun see the point of holding back anymore, may as well just see what is out there... and so begins this phase of life... "my muse" had this side and I never explored it with her, she said just once she could see spirits, why did I dismiss it, u dun just say things like that... so much just starts to fit into place... i suppose my time was not right then...
I die in 2048. That was the answer to the question I had asked for a few days. My palm definitely says I have a long life, the Nepali guy at work confirmed it. I wanted to know so i could plan what in the hell to do. The other question is do I go married, or spiritual... or more to the point which is the most productive. Anyway no answers there yet.
So without any planning the other night as i entered sleep i suddenly remembered this thing a guy at college told me. He had taken over my first year room at college when i went to second year and had heard a lot about me so wanted to meet... left some reputation apparently. He was just beginning on a path of psychic things and told me about this old shamanic method of visiting the Acashic records where u could read from the vast store of information in the astral plane.
I had recited this method to my work college just to recall it but definitely with the intention of visiting. It came back as i went to sleep. Just as I was falling asleep I positioned myself infront of the cave entrance, the one in the method, with the intention of taking the first left turn as i went in. U are supposed to summon your spirit guide etc but i've no recollection of this. It was not done using the usual daily intention, somehow this happened in the dream this was not me doing it.
All I remember was waking up with this number 2048. I also remember going through this pile of heavy leather bound books, very fast, unable to read the words. So I concentrated. i remember testing them - asking questions that I knew the answer to and then looking at the books. When the words became visible it was absurd answers. But somehow I woke up with this number and it was the date of my death. Its not quite like a dream, it was far further away, it was hazy, it was almost like it was a recollection of someone elses dream rather than my own. But i now remember it enough to write it down and to wonder where in the hell i got that number from. Its not an absurd number dying aged 77 makes a lot of sense.
Anyway i don't plan to make a habit of doing this, or do i?
some extra stuff, cos i really dunno anything about this,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akashic_Records
I die in 2048. That was the answer to the question I had asked for a few days. My palm definitely says I have a long life, the Nepali guy at work confirmed it. I wanted to know so i could plan what in the hell to do. The other question is do I go married, or spiritual... or more to the point which is the most productive. Anyway no answers there yet.
So without any planning the other night as i entered sleep i suddenly remembered this thing a guy at college told me. He had taken over my first year room at college when i went to second year and had heard a lot about me so wanted to meet... left some reputation apparently. He was just beginning on a path of psychic things and told me about this old shamanic method of visiting the Acashic records where u could read from the vast store of information in the astral plane.
I had recited this method to my work college just to recall it but definitely with the intention of visiting. It came back as i went to sleep. Just as I was falling asleep I positioned myself infront of the cave entrance, the one in the method, with the intention of taking the first left turn as i went in. U are supposed to summon your spirit guide etc but i've no recollection of this. It was not done using the usual daily intention, somehow this happened in the dream this was not me doing it.
All I remember was waking up with this number 2048. I also remember going through this pile of heavy leather bound books, very fast, unable to read the words. So I concentrated. i remember testing them - asking questions that I knew the answer to and then looking at the books. When the words became visible it was absurd answers. But somehow I woke up with this number and it was the date of my death. Its not quite like a dream, it was far further away, it was hazy, it was almost like it was a recollection of someone elses dream rather than my own. But i now remember it enough to write it down and to wonder where in the hell i got that number from. Its not an absurd number dying aged 77 makes a lot of sense.
Anyway i don't plan to make a habit of doing this, or do i?
some extra stuff, cos i really dunno anything about this,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akashic_Records
Drugs n Buddhism
Yesterday at 00.07am UT was Equinox and a new start. I took a vow of celebacy for ... um ok only 2 weeks but its a start. Recentre my energy, n hope to come off these damn brain drugs! Love n sex.
The question is what is controlled by endorphins and what is not?
If endorphins are addictive? and love and sex are just addictions evolved to keep us in the biological running... what is life like outside the biological running?
To perceive the world from the standpoint of our own endorphin rushes seems hopelessly small minded and selfish.
Yet we seem to judge everything according to these. Is every feeling of love I have ever had just a selfish person endorphin rush?
Definitely not, but I can't tell the difference anymore. Love does not hurt. If someone u love turns away from u, it should not hurt - its just the come down from the endorphin high that hurts... or the ego who got psychologically stuck in the mirror trap (u r my refelction aren't u? and the mirror imagine raises its middle finger and we feel lost)
So i'm comin off the drugs and it breaks my heart because I invested everything in that path thinking it was the right way.
"My Muse" remains as a force beneath the level of emotion, I have no feelings anymore something far deeper i have no wolds. She was a true friend. It is not pain anymore, maybe that is the core of non-endorphin love?
It was the drugs: the adrenalines, the dopamines, the endorphines that messed it all up. It was perfect, but in reality she was not mu mirror. That I have still the learn because if she was then who was I?
I can't be her reflection, and she my reflection? Someone is the origin?
But there is no origin, because all is empty. All forms illusions.
The ego exists, the body exists, the drugs exist, everything exists. But the world is centred around none of it. There is no centre to the world, because everything is interconnected, the Whole is the Centre of the world, and the Centre is the Whole of the world.
I am coming off the drugs - this is my red pill to see the world free from the billions of years of evolution that have trapped me in this body, hopefully with a vision that extends beyond the sensual skin and eyes that are the walls of my prison.
The first thing I ever wrote my muse was a short piece about my prison. The bars on the prison window the staves whose tune I danced to with the sunset and the scents that drifted from the fields of freedom far away... and behind me was a blinding light down an angled corridor and I went to follow but that was the end of my reverie. She said that she knew exactly what I was talking about, and in that moment our friendship was forged forever.
I wonder if she went to the light. I was stuck in this prison, still am stuck in this prison, a prison which makes more and more sense to me as time goes on. Where did those words come from, it just came to me from no where, a January afternoon stream of consciousness.
I'm coming off the drugs.
The question is what is controlled by endorphins and what is not?
If endorphins are addictive? and love and sex are just addictions evolved to keep us in the biological running... what is life like outside the biological running?
To perceive the world from the standpoint of our own endorphin rushes seems hopelessly small minded and selfish.
Yet we seem to judge everything according to these. Is every feeling of love I have ever had just a selfish person endorphin rush?
Definitely not, but I can't tell the difference anymore. Love does not hurt. If someone u love turns away from u, it should not hurt - its just the come down from the endorphin high that hurts... or the ego who got psychologically stuck in the mirror trap (u r my refelction aren't u? and the mirror imagine raises its middle finger and we feel lost)
So i'm comin off the drugs and it breaks my heart because I invested everything in that path thinking it was the right way.
"My Muse" remains as a force beneath the level of emotion, I have no feelings anymore something far deeper i have no wolds. She was a true friend. It is not pain anymore, maybe that is the core of non-endorphin love?
It was the drugs: the adrenalines, the dopamines, the endorphines that messed it all up. It was perfect, but in reality she was not mu mirror. That I have still the learn because if she was then who was I?
I can't be her reflection, and she my reflection? Someone is the origin?
But there is no origin, because all is empty. All forms illusions.
The ego exists, the body exists, the drugs exist, everything exists. But the world is centred around none of it. There is no centre to the world, because everything is interconnected, the Whole is the Centre of the world, and the Centre is the Whole of the world.
I am coming off the drugs - this is my red pill to see the world free from the billions of years of evolution that have trapped me in this body, hopefully with a vision that extends beyond the sensual skin and eyes that are the walls of my prison.
The first thing I ever wrote my muse was a short piece about my prison. The bars on the prison window the staves whose tune I danced to with the sunset and the scents that drifted from the fields of freedom far away... and behind me was a blinding light down an angled corridor and I went to follow but that was the end of my reverie. She said that she knew exactly what I was talking about, and in that moment our friendship was forged forever.
I wonder if she went to the light. I was stuck in this prison, still am stuck in this prison, a prison which makes more and more sense to me as time goes on. Where did those words come from, it just came to me from no where, a January afternoon stream of consciousness.
I'm coming off the drugs.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Is sex essential?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/connected/main.jhtml?xml=/connected/2007/03/20/nsex120.xml
Well as if to renounce what said yesterday an article in Telegraph was written at the same time giving the example of the bdelloid rotifers who even while asexual seem to adapt sufficiently fast to environmental changes to avoid extinction and to allow diversification.
Ok so there is more to the evolutionary story of sex... however this does not distract from the fact that it is not of spiritual significance and so not relevant to the higher realms of Life.
Well as if to renounce what said yesterday an article in Telegraph was written at the same time giving the example of the bdelloid rotifers who even while asexual seem to adapt sufficiently fast to environmental changes to avoid extinction and to allow diversification.
Ok so there is more to the evolutionary story of sex... however this does not distract from the fact that it is not of spiritual significance and so not relevant to the higher realms of Life.
Monday, 19 March 2007
Ley-Lines
Just reading about Glastonbury on wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glastonbury n they mention about it being a convergence point of Ley-Lines. One of which is the St Michaels line.
Compare the Ley line here http://www.isleofavalon.co.uk/history/mysteries.html with the route of the Land's End walk I did from Reading http://itsnatural.port5.com/le/map.jpg. If only I had gone through Glastonbury which had been the original plan had I not been so pushed for time. This walk is what connected the heart energy that "my muse" had awoken with the Earth... stuff that makes no sense to me even today.
I'm reminded also of the Great awakening to the out doors that I got on a school expedition to the Snæfellsjökull peninsular in Iceland. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sn%C3%A6fellsj%C3%B6kull
This is supposed to be one of the Earghs 7 energy point http://www.destination-iceland.com/about/west/index.html.
Probably a load of rubbish but just a sketch of stuff...
Compare the Ley line here http://www.isleofavalon.co.uk/history/mysteries.html with the route of the Land's End walk I did from Reading http://itsnatural.port5.com/le/map.jpg. If only I had gone through Glastonbury which had been the original plan had I not been so pushed for time. This walk is what connected the heart energy that "my muse" had awoken with the Earth... stuff that makes no sense to me even today.
I'm reminded also of the Great awakening to the out doors that I got on a school expedition to the Snæfellsjökull peninsular in Iceland. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sn%C3%A6fellsj%C3%B6kull
This is supposed to be one of the Earghs 7 energy point http://www.destination-iceland.com/about/west/index.html.
Probably a load of rubbish but just a sketch of stuff...
Todo list
I am also selfish! When I have no one to love I feel that my energy is stopped. I have nothing to give n I wanna hide from the world. I wonder if its because I am selfish and I think - if i can't love who i want to then why should anyone else get it! That stops the eneregy flat.
Now I could say that if i entered a relationship and got the love then i would have lots to give other people. Which is part true. But in reality if the relationship kicks off properly we just funnel all that energy into a selfish family. So really I'm just selfish and if my eneregy is blocked its because I'm selfish.
So TODO #1 is to find a way of being more giving without expecting anything in return.
TODO #2 is to examine this issue of self that I now realise manifests in the desire for a "significant other". True Love is the manifestation of global equanimity, while selfishness is the manifestation of partiality. And the more partial the more selfish.
It is the mirror meditation - what relationship do I have with my mirror image. What relationship do I have with my thoughts, feelings and body - what "Mineness" exists in things which i call myself. I never fully solved that.
OK stuff to get on with to fill the void.
Now I could say that if i entered a relationship and got the love then i would have lots to give other people. Which is part true. But in reality if the relationship kicks off properly we just funnel all that energy into a selfish family. So really I'm just selfish and if my eneregy is blocked its because I'm selfish.
So TODO #1 is to find a way of being more giving without expecting anything in return.
TODO #2 is to examine this issue of self that I now realise manifests in the desire for a "significant other". True Love is the manifestation of global equanimity, while selfishness is the manifestation of partiality. And the more partial the more selfish.
It is the mirror meditation - what relationship do I have with my mirror image. What relationship do I have with my thoughts, feelings and body - what "Mineness" exists in things which i call myself. I never fully solved that.
OK stuff to get on with to fill the void.
Nucelus Binding Force
In physics one of the major forces is the nuclear binding force which holds the protons and neutrons together.
In Biology one of the forces that governs life might be called the "Nucleus Binding Force".
Most creatures have 2 copies of the DNA in their nucleus. One reason is that since nuclear mass and body mass are related it makes for bigger organisms. It also allows for more complex coding as features can be controlled by the interplay of opposing genes (alleles). It also enables sex because special cells can be created with just a single copy which can fuse with those from another individual and create a whole new organism with dual parentship. This enables the rapid mixing and selection of genes increasing evolution and adaptation rates to changing environments.
Early organisms simple split in half, the nucleus replicating. The children began to stick together to create multicelled organisms. The job of splitting into separate colonies is just a matter of some cells budding off. Eventually special sex cells were created which could mix the genes of budding colonies. More complex organisms have the ability to both bud and to have sex. Especially in insects the ability to have children from just a single parent is advanced. But they also have sexual phases as well.
In many organisms the ability to have asexual children is lost, for example nearly all the mammals an exception being the naked mole rat. The force that drives the reproductive behaviour of mammals is thus the force to bring the two halves of the DNA in each sex cell together. The look in the girls eye, the pheremones, the brain chemistry, the hormones, the desires, the courtship and excitement, the sex, the partnership are all about closing the gap between her half a DNA and yours. That is the nucleus binding force and it is extremely influential and strong.
In Biology one of the forces that governs life might be called the "Nucleus Binding Force".
Most creatures have 2 copies of the DNA in their nucleus. One reason is that since nuclear mass and body mass are related it makes for bigger organisms. It also allows for more complex coding as features can be controlled by the interplay of opposing genes (alleles). It also enables sex because special cells can be created with just a single copy which can fuse with those from another individual and create a whole new organism with dual parentship. This enables the rapid mixing and selection of genes increasing evolution and adaptation rates to changing environments.
Early organisms simple split in half, the nucleus replicating. The children began to stick together to create multicelled organisms. The job of splitting into separate colonies is just a matter of some cells budding off. Eventually special sex cells were created which could mix the genes of budding colonies. More complex organisms have the ability to both bud and to have sex. Especially in insects the ability to have children from just a single parent is advanced. But they also have sexual phases as well.
In many organisms the ability to have asexual children is lost, for example nearly all the mammals an exception being the naked mole rat. The force that drives the reproductive behaviour of mammals is thus the force to bring the two halves of the DNA in each sex cell together. The look in the girls eye, the pheremones, the brain chemistry, the hormones, the desires, the courtship and excitement, the sex, the partnership are all about closing the gap between her half a DNA and yours. That is the nucleus binding force and it is extremely influential and strong.
Freedom n Boredom/Ego
OK at last i'm almost completely free again :-)
I love no body, nobody is attached to me, I have no responsibilities, nothing left undone, no debts, no problems, nothing in my diary. It is complete open skies.
With one exception my cousin wants me to be godfather to her daughter. Out of duty I must do it, but i am jealous because it opens the door on that other life which I am trying to close. If I can love her child, then I feel unable to resist the desire for my own child.
It is a terrible blow because it shows how I have progressed not at all toward my dream of liberation. I still desire relationship, love, family and by implication then worldly involvement and responsibilities.
The problem seems to stem from boredom and ego.
I have analysed to my satisfaction now that the feelings of love and attachment, of sex and desire which go so far to fill our lives are nothing more than drug experiences. A friend who was a heroine addict has told me that heroine is better than sex and love because it effects all the endorphin receptors of the brain at once, not just a small percentage like with sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, penetration, euphoria, ecstacy, rapture: all these things elicit a different cocktail of endorphin responses. Heroine does the lot at once! Addiction to these is no better than addiction to drugs.
The mythology that justifies these things and which wraps society around them I have explained to satisfaction also. The "Myth of Love" results psychologically from the belief in ourself as being special, and so we seek that same specialness in a sexual partner. In reality the nature of that partnership is just chemical and biological - the drive to have sex viz the endorphins, and the motivation to reproduce which is one of the oldest forces in nature. The "Nucleus Binding Force" I want to call it.
Society has enveloped these quite basic things in ritual and protocol and absorbed them into mythologies that support those customs. Unfortunately the myths have closed our minds to the underlying truths and freedoms that exist and we feel compelled to obey the myths. Romantic Love is one such myth which we do not have to obey. The fact that homosexuals feel compelled to marry is another example of the power of these myths, even when underneath they do not suit our needs.
At root we chose the identity of our loves to reflect the belief we have in our own uniqueness and our needs. I have chosen a beautiful indian girl who wrote poetry because I believed that she would be the right partner for my spiritual journey. She was a celestial being of unrivalled uniqueness because that reflects my own belief that i am unique and special. It suited my needs and the coincidences and luck of it seemed to point to destiny which enabled me to disguise the painful truth that really we are totally responsible for our choices. I chose her. I can unchose her. There is nothing any deeper than that.
Trashing myths as I am doing is a very destructive process and what remains afterwards? The myths have gone, but that does not change the fact that she opened up to me a new level of specialness that I must recognise is present in all humans. She will always be special, for me the connection will remain, we may indeed meet in future lives, but wiser... or is that just another myth?
So the myths are trashed. Just as hunger, do the desire for partnership and children, the need for that comforting cocktail of endorphins in the arms of a lover, that something to fill the day.
And if we don't get it, if we somehow are left by the roadside, that sense of ego that why should I not be enjoying this like everyone else? Why should they have it and not me? The ego factor that I suspect is one of the major driving forces that pushes people together, into replicated housing, into replicated lives, that smoothes over the differences and the freedoms that are available. I am special, but so is everyone equally. I don't need to do anything to prove that, whether through family, love, money or anything such satisfaction that might fill the life.
And so their remains boredom. What to do with the vast space that is life? So much of what we might do is just a filler, a drug experience or moment of joy to fill the vastness. The vastness which seems like depression when we encounter it from the heady heights of love and passion, from lives filled with drug experiences, searching excitements and pleasures.
Maybe this is the chance I have now to look long and hard at the stillness and try to sympathise with it, without getting off my seat in search of some new pleasure to fill my days, and without being goaded by the ego to catch up, or be jealous over what others have...
I love no body, nobody is attached to me, I have no responsibilities, nothing left undone, no debts, no problems, nothing in my diary. It is complete open skies.
With one exception my cousin wants me to be godfather to her daughter. Out of duty I must do it, but i am jealous because it opens the door on that other life which I am trying to close. If I can love her child, then I feel unable to resist the desire for my own child.
It is a terrible blow because it shows how I have progressed not at all toward my dream of liberation. I still desire relationship, love, family and by implication then worldly involvement and responsibilities.
The problem seems to stem from boredom and ego.
I have analysed to my satisfaction now that the feelings of love and attachment, of sex and desire which go so far to fill our lives are nothing more than drug experiences. A friend who was a heroine addict has told me that heroine is better than sex and love because it effects all the endorphin receptors of the brain at once, not just a small percentage like with sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, penetration, euphoria, ecstacy, rapture: all these things elicit a different cocktail of endorphin responses. Heroine does the lot at once! Addiction to these is no better than addiction to drugs.
The mythology that justifies these things and which wraps society around them I have explained to satisfaction also. The "Myth of Love" results psychologically from the belief in ourself as being special, and so we seek that same specialness in a sexual partner. In reality the nature of that partnership is just chemical and biological - the drive to have sex viz the endorphins, and the motivation to reproduce which is one of the oldest forces in nature. The "Nucleus Binding Force" I want to call it.
Society has enveloped these quite basic things in ritual and protocol and absorbed them into mythologies that support those customs. Unfortunately the myths have closed our minds to the underlying truths and freedoms that exist and we feel compelled to obey the myths. Romantic Love is one such myth which we do not have to obey. The fact that homosexuals feel compelled to marry is another example of the power of these myths, even when underneath they do not suit our needs.
At root we chose the identity of our loves to reflect the belief we have in our own uniqueness and our needs. I have chosen a beautiful indian girl who wrote poetry because I believed that she would be the right partner for my spiritual journey. She was a celestial being of unrivalled uniqueness because that reflects my own belief that i am unique and special. It suited my needs and the coincidences and luck of it seemed to point to destiny which enabled me to disguise the painful truth that really we are totally responsible for our choices. I chose her. I can unchose her. There is nothing any deeper than that.
Trashing myths as I am doing is a very destructive process and what remains afterwards? The myths have gone, but that does not change the fact that she opened up to me a new level of specialness that I must recognise is present in all humans. She will always be special, for me the connection will remain, we may indeed meet in future lives, but wiser... or is that just another myth?
So the myths are trashed. Just as hunger, do the desire for partnership and children, the need for that comforting cocktail of endorphins in the arms of a lover, that something to fill the day.
And if we don't get it, if we somehow are left by the roadside, that sense of ego that why should I not be enjoying this like everyone else? Why should they have it and not me? The ego factor that I suspect is one of the major driving forces that pushes people together, into replicated housing, into replicated lives, that smoothes over the differences and the freedoms that are available. I am special, but so is everyone equally. I don't need to do anything to prove that, whether through family, love, money or anything such satisfaction that might fill the life.
And so their remains boredom. What to do with the vast space that is life? So much of what we might do is just a filler, a drug experience or moment of joy to fill the vastness. The vastness which seems like depression when we encounter it from the heady heights of love and passion, from lives filled with drug experiences, searching excitements and pleasures.
Maybe this is the chance I have now to look long and hard at the stillness and try to sympathise with it, without getting off my seat in search of some new pleasure to fill my days, and without being goaded by the ego to catch up, or be jealous over what others have...
Thursday, 15 March 2007
Mongolian Bar
Well u know how Mongolian BBQs have fuck all to do with Mongolia... why not have a drink as much as u can bar where you make up your own booze combo in a bucket and give it to a barman to shake n serve...
The Art of Non-Duality
This observation about the nature of Romantic Love gives an excellent demonstration for the language of Non-Duality that occurs throughout philosophy texts both in the East and the West.
We might say:
Noone is special because everyone is special.
What does this mean?
Well "my muse" has evidently been extraordinarily special to me. More special than anyone ever. However we also know that everyone has that extra-special person in their lives (apart from themself ;-).
Now comes the realisation that she is only so special because to mate I need to find someone, and that someone my ego dictates must be as special as I think I am myself! So her specialness is an illusion sprouting from the illusion that I am unique and special.
So the illusion dies and I see that everyone thinks they are unique and special and everyone seeks that unique and special partner. Everyone is equally special in their own eyes, and their partners equally unique and special in their own eyes.
However that does not distract from the fact that within my life I respect the uniqueness and specialness of "my muse". Nothing there has changed.
So there is this slightly uneasy and contradicting position where I respect her in every possible way, hold her in the highest esteem yet at the same time understand that this is replicated around the world in everyones eyes and so she is not really that unique and special.
Satisfaction with that contradiction is bliss!
We might say:
Noone is special because everyone is special.
What does this mean?
Well "my muse" has evidently been extraordinarily special to me. More special than anyone ever. However we also know that everyone has that extra-special person in their lives (apart from themself ;-).
Now comes the realisation that she is only so special because to mate I need to find someone, and that someone my ego dictates must be as special as I think I am myself! So her specialness is an illusion sprouting from the illusion that I am unique and special.
So the illusion dies and I see that everyone thinks they are unique and special and everyone seeks that unique and special partner. Everyone is equally special in their own eyes, and their partners equally unique and special in their own eyes.
However that does not distract from the fact that within my life I respect the uniqueness and specialness of "my muse". Nothing there has changed.
So there is this slightly uneasy and contradicting position where I respect her in every possible way, hold her in the highest esteem yet at the same time understand that this is replicated around the world in everyones eyes and so she is not really that unique and special.
Satisfaction with that contradiction is bliss!
Life without desire?
If we can make the decision to rejoice in the mind above all its contents,
To rejoice in being alive, in being able to perceive a world,
Above any particular things that we might have or want
- and make that commitment solid,
Then we are ready to live without desire.
This is Buddhas middle path. The issue for us is if we do not attend to our desires and we remain sitting through all eventualities then don't we just fade away.
In place of desire we have "compassion". Thus we think, "my body is dying without food, I should feed it". This is the same thought we might have for another person who is starving. And so deliberate intention and awareness take over from impulses and desires.
But I stress again this is only possible once we have made the full committment to stay seated! If you try and do both as I have done you get completely messed up and you suffer doubly!
So we developed a seated posture in our hearts, and we act outwardly through compassion.
We do not enforce either seated nor compassion though. If we have strong desires and we wish to rise then so be it! If we doubt whether to rise then we must make the decision, but leave morality and social convention out of it because attendance to these will only give us social acceptance - which is at best only favourable.
To rise or not rise that is the question. And the answer is urgent!
To rejoice in being alive, in being able to perceive a world,
Above any particular things that we might have or want
- and make that commitment solid,
Then we are ready to live without desire.
This is Buddhas middle path. The issue for us is if we do not attend to our desires and we remain sitting through all eventualities then don't we just fade away.
In place of desire we have "compassion". Thus we think, "my body is dying without food, I should feed it". This is the same thought we might have for another person who is starving. And so deliberate intention and awareness take over from impulses and desires.
But I stress again this is only possible once we have made the full committment to stay seated! If you try and do both as I have done you get completely messed up and you suffer doubly!
So we developed a seated posture in our hearts, and we act outwardly through compassion.
We do not enforce either seated nor compassion though. If we have strong desires and we wish to rise then so be it! If we doubt whether to rise then we must make the decision, but leave morality and social convention out of it because attendance to these will only give us social acceptance - which is at best only favourable.
To rise or not rise that is the question. And the answer is urgent!
Stay on my Seat!!!
Famously the Hindu God Shiv does not rise from his meditation on Mt Kailash for anything... except with great seduction for his wife Sati.
This is a good illustration of the difference between the life of liberation and the life of worldly living.
The latter is the usual experience of wanting and our decision to go and get that wanted thing, and the trials and tribulations of the process. The success, the failure, the satisfaction, the despair ... all the opposites that we negotiate to end the wanting.
The former path requires us to remain seated during every desire. In other words to forgo the getting process, and to forgo the leaving process in the case of unwanted things.
We all know that desires come and go. How often is getting something was so important that we could not afford to fail? Normally we accept the possibility of defeat and move on. The problem with the myth of Love is that we are fooled into thinking that this 1 person is so special we cannot afford to fail. It turns bad because there is no freedom.
So if we can accept that few desires are that critical then we can sit through most things knowing that the desire will come and it will go.
Now there is great suffering in this strategy if we are not entirely dedicated to the path. Like Shiv I was kicked off my seat my a possible partner, but I was still awares of the value of remaining seated and so I have hung around undecided ever since - unable to get seated again because of her, and unable to sort things out with her because I have this instinct to go back to my seat.
Well that is the choice that I still have not made. Right now I have binned morality and eithics. These are not useful things. As someone from Bosnia once said to me: when you are in the middle of it morality doesn't come into it, you are fighting for your life. When we are in our life stream morality is abstract and mostly unhelpful. It is obvious whether what we are doing is really right or wrong, whether we have regard for other people is the only rule: ultimately what Jesus said - do we treat others as if they were ourself?
If we are going to get off our seat then we enter the simple game of desires. There is no other way. I want that, I will get it: I want that, I won't get it. I hate that, I will avoid it: I hate that, I won't avoid it. What we desire be it a cup of tea or sex makes no difference.
The only problem with this approach is that the more used to getting off our seat we are the less likely we are to ever return to our seat. However forcing ourselves to remain seated as I have discovered is equally pointless.
On the other hand we should remember that all the wise do say that being seated is the best. Why? because in reality everything that we strive so hard for has only one important effect - and that is the effect it has on us. And where are we? we are not out there, we are always here and now. So it is only because we carry ourselves with us everywhere we go and into all these new situations that we can experience all the things we desire. But, it is not the new situations that count, but ourselves and the here and now.
Once we realise that the self is always with us, the mind is always with us, and the places we go and the people we visit and the things we do are not always with us - we know our true friend and our true nature. Being seated we are with that true nature always and that joy is the joy of being seated. In reality the seated person in a closed cell has everything the playboy adventurer has! That is the key mystery to uncover.
But I insist that this does not come with force. I have forced the issue, I have suffered because I have strived too hard down a path. I needed to because I had no guide and was hungry to know this other path. But it was horribly painful because I was not entirely resolved in my decision.
Understand and Decide. That is of the utmost, urgent priority!!!
This is a good illustration of the difference between the life of liberation and the life of worldly living.
The latter is the usual experience of wanting and our decision to go and get that wanted thing, and the trials and tribulations of the process. The success, the failure, the satisfaction, the despair ... all the opposites that we negotiate to end the wanting.
The former path requires us to remain seated during every desire. In other words to forgo the getting process, and to forgo the leaving process in the case of unwanted things.
We all know that desires come and go. How often is getting something was so important that we could not afford to fail? Normally we accept the possibility of defeat and move on. The problem with the myth of Love is that we are fooled into thinking that this 1 person is so special we cannot afford to fail. It turns bad because there is no freedom.
So if we can accept that few desires are that critical then we can sit through most things knowing that the desire will come and it will go.
Now there is great suffering in this strategy if we are not entirely dedicated to the path. Like Shiv I was kicked off my seat my a possible partner, but I was still awares of the value of remaining seated and so I have hung around undecided ever since - unable to get seated again because of her, and unable to sort things out with her because I have this instinct to go back to my seat.
Well that is the choice that I still have not made. Right now I have binned morality and eithics. These are not useful things. As someone from Bosnia once said to me: when you are in the middle of it morality doesn't come into it, you are fighting for your life. When we are in our life stream morality is abstract and mostly unhelpful. It is obvious whether what we are doing is really right or wrong, whether we have regard for other people is the only rule: ultimately what Jesus said - do we treat others as if they were ourself?
If we are going to get off our seat then we enter the simple game of desires. There is no other way. I want that, I will get it: I want that, I won't get it. I hate that, I will avoid it: I hate that, I won't avoid it. What we desire be it a cup of tea or sex makes no difference.
The only problem with this approach is that the more used to getting off our seat we are the less likely we are to ever return to our seat. However forcing ourselves to remain seated as I have discovered is equally pointless.
On the other hand we should remember that all the wise do say that being seated is the best. Why? because in reality everything that we strive so hard for has only one important effect - and that is the effect it has on us. And where are we? we are not out there, we are always here and now. So it is only because we carry ourselves with us everywhere we go and into all these new situations that we can experience all the things we desire. But, it is not the new situations that count, but ourselves and the here and now.
Once we realise that the self is always with us, the mind is always with us, and the places we go and the people we visit and the things we do are not always with us - we know our true friend and our true nature. Being seated we are with that true nature always and that joy is the joy of being seated. In reality the seated person in a closed cell has everything the playboy adventurer has! That is the key mystery to uncover.
But I insist that this does not come with force. I have forced the issue, I have suffered because I have strived too hard down a path. I needed to because I had no guide and was hungry to know this other path. But it was horribly painful because I was not entirely resolved in my decision.
Understand and Decide. That is of the utmost, urgent priority!!!
Monday, 12 March 2007
Glastonbury
Took a weekend break with the ex who is back in UK for the week. Decided to go to the Mendip hills and stayed at Glastonbury, a place I have always wanted to visit. No particular reason. I've been smoking, drinking, eating junk food and generally not giving a damn about things.
We arrived at the Tor to watch the sunset. Almost as soon as we got to the top I was overcome with the energy of the place. A warm nurturing glow, completely fulfilling and I felt suddenly at home, peaceful and at rest. It was the same feeling but stronger that I had gained on my walk to Land's End where I had passed 14miles South of Glastonbury unable to walk through due to time restraints. It is also the same energy I had first encountered in its most powerful form in "my muse". What a revelation that was. I had to take cover and cry. If only she had known about this maybe she would have found satisfaction in another path, spiritually amongst the bards rather than mundanely and physically. Or maybe what I sort in her was really something in myself and she was quite another person? I will never know, even her sister does not seem to know. Her inner space cut off from the world, I will always wonder if I ever set foot behind the veil, behind the enigma.
For now her image is restored even replaced by the energy that I found this weekend, and I feel envigorated and peaceful, in touch once again with what I thought I had lost forever.
Unfortunately such a feeling of peace and satisfaction was not so good for my ex who found I was far too chilled out to be romantic. It is true that peace is the enemy of sex. In a sanctuary there is no stirring and this means no anger and no lust. Why when we are peaceful should we get up from our seat?
The master of the temple said that the wise value peace over pleasure. However he also says that the Bodhi-mind (Buddha mind) is not a rocking chair. Apparently peace can be a source of action for the welfare of others.
This was not what I was feeling however. I was resting. Satisfied after a very long struggle for this energy, this nutrient for the soul. I had thought it came from a woman, now I realise it is more fundamental than that. I can rest it does not need to be sort after, it is free energy ... I hope.
My muse had many features which illustrate this energy. It is quite cliche in fact. Her favourite colour was a deep indulgent blue, her favourite animal the dolphin, she loved the moon - daugher of the moon was my name for her, in all things like this she had a persuasion. I cannot believe even now how she was overcome by more mundane things. Maybe this loss of innocence is the necessary way of the world... for most at least... she always spoke of becoming corrupted - it seemed her only goal in life at the beginning. She sort the company of murderers, paedophiles and rapists in her work, no only to help them I felt but for the thrill of it too. An extraordinary juxtaposition - one that ultimately over challenged and broke my spirit.
The problem I face now from Glastonbury is the hippies. While the energy is right, beautiful like I found my muse, the mind finds it absurd. It is a different energy from Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity. These are higher and purer energies - compassionate and transcendent. I am talking about a more earthly energy, like a food, that satisfies in the here and now. It is rich and indulgent and calms the cravings for this world. My attitude to others is that I cannot help, but that they should find this satisfaction themselves and relax.
Whatever this energy is I feel I must follow it for now. It stems my sexual desires, it replaces my muse, and it brings peace from endless searching. This may be a platform to a higher existence, or it may leave me once again high and dry and starving for simple worldly pleasures.
We arrived at the Tor to watch the sunset. Almost as soon as we got to the top I was overcome with the energy of the place. A warm nurturing glow, completely fulfilling and I felt suddenly at home, peaceful and at rest. It was the same feeling but stronger that I had gained on my walk to Land's End where I had passed 14miles South of Glastonbury unable to walk through due to time restraints. It is also the same energy I had first encountered in its most powerful form in "my muse". What a revelation that was. I had to take cover and cry. If only she had known about this maybe she would have found satisfaction in another path, spiritually amongst the bards rather than mundanely and physically. Or maybe what I sort in her was really something in myself and she was quite another person? I will never know, even her sister does not seem to know. Her inner space cut off from the world, I will always wonder if I ever set foot behind the veil, behind the enigma.
For now her image is restored even replaced by the energy that I found this weekend, and I feel envigorated and peaceful, in touch once again with what I thought I had lost forever.
Unfortunately such a feeling of peace and satisfaction was not so good for my ex who found I was far too chilled out to be romantic. It is true that peace is the enemy of sex. In a sanctuary there is no stirring and this means no anger and no lust. Why when we are peaceful should we get up from our seat?
The master of the temple said that the wise value peace over pleasure. However he also says that the Bodhi-mind (Buddha mind) is not a rocking chair. Apparently peace can be a source of action for the welfare of others.
This was not what I was feeling however. I was resting. Satisfied after a very long struggle for this energy, this nutrient for the soul. I had thought it came from a woman, now I realise it is more fundamental than that. I can rest it does not need to be sort after, it is free energy ... I hope.
My muse had many features which illustrate this energy. It is quite cliche in fact. Her favourite colour was a deep indulgent blue, her favourite animal the dolphin, she loved the moon - daugher of the moon was my name for her, in all things like this she had a persuasion. I cannot believe even now how she was overcome by more mundane things. Maybe this loss of innocence is the necessary way of the world... for most at least... she always spoke of becoming corrupted - it seemed her only goal in life at the beginning. She sort the company of murderers, paedophiles and rapists in her work, no only to help them I felt but for the thrill of it too. An extraordinary juxtaposition - one that ultimately over challenged and broke my spirit.
The problem I face now from Glastonbury is the hippies. While the energy is right, beautiful like I found my muse, the mind finds it absurd. It is a different energy from Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity. These are higher and purer energies - compassionate and transcendent. I am talking about a more earthly energy, like a food, that satisfies in the here and now. It is rich and indulgent and calms the cravings for this world. My attitude to others is that I cannot help, but that they should find this satisfaction themselves and relax.
Whatever this energy is I feel I must follow it for now. It stems my sexual desires, it replaces my muse, and it brings peace from endless searching. This may be a platform to a higher existence, or it may leave me once again high and dry and starving for simple worldly pleasures.
Helping the 3rd World!
A continual myth which seems to exist amongst the West is that we can help the 3rd World by development.
Firstly there is no real 3rd world that needs helping.
Secondly the history of the problem reveals the solution. Taxation of Land.
The same process has lead to the world in which the economically developed world lives so it is relevant to us also.
Since the beginning of time tribal lands were fought for and inherited by various means. The problems began when landlords began to tax. The ragument in the West was that the landlords would protect the people from invading people. However the contract was a little one sided because the farmers probably didn't care who ruled them, it is only the ruler who need to be protected!
So to raise taxes people need to produce profit. Once land is viewed as a source of income and profit the lives of the people who have used the land for their livelihoods becomes a secondary issue. In UK Sheep farming became the profitable land use during the beginning of the industrial revolution and so people were displaced off their lands. Losing their means of living and losing the ability to pay taxes they were forced to take up jobs for the industrialists. This massive movement of people into industrial production is what created poverty in the UK.
Now we have exported that poverty to the 3rd World we look rich in the West but it is at the cost of the industrialising world. Hence the reason it needs to develop so that we can export our working class.
Once upon a time of course there was no "poverty". For 10,000 years people in Africa and Asia have lived in what they would have called "normal" conditions. They knew how to manage local crops and the land and that was their life. It was only when land owners began to tax that they ran into problems and lost their ways of life to become dependent upon the economic system. That was the beginning of poverty.
So the answer might be to develop, but its the long way and only really gets them back to square one. The only people to really benefit are the Western economies. The easier and simpler way is to let them remember their traditional ways of life and let them return to that.
After all we all know for sure the material richness and economic development don't make us happy, so why do we spend so much time trying to do these things? and worse enforcing them on others?
Firstly there is no real 3rd world that needs helping.
Secondly the history of the problem reveals the solution. Taxation of Land.
The same process has lead to the world in which the economically developed world lives so it is relevant to us also.
Since the beginning of time tribal lands were fought for and inherited by various means. The problems began when landlords began to tax. The ragument in the West was that the landlords would protect the people from invading people. However the contract was a little one sided because the farmers probably didn't care who ruled them, it is only the ruler who need to be protected!
So to raise taxes people need to produce profit. Once land is viewed as a source of income and profit the lives of the people who have used the land for their livelihoods becomes a secondary issue. In UK Sheep farming became the profitable land use during the beginning of the industrial revolution and so people were displaced off their lands. Losing their means of living and losing the ability to pay taxes they were forced to take up jobs for the industrialists. This massive movement of people into industrial production is what created poverty in the UK.
Now we have exported that poverty to the 3rd World we look rich in the West but it is at the cost of the industrialising world. Hence the reason it needs to develop so that we can export our working class.
Once upon a time of course there was no "poverty". For 10,000 years people in Africa and Asia have lived in what they would have called "normal" conditions. They knew how to manage local crops and the land and that was their life. It was only when land owners began to tax that they ran into problems and lost their ways of life to become dependent upon the economic system. That was the beginning of poverty.
So the answer might be to develop, but its the long way and only really gets them back to square one. The only people to really benefit are the Western economies. The easier and simpler way is to let them remember their traditional ways of life and let them return to that.
After all we all know for sure the material richness and economic development don't make us happy, so why do we spend so much time trying to do these things? and worse enforcing them on others?
Seduction? & the myth of Sex
What a myth this is! I have realised that sexual desire is ubiquitous amongst humans. Socially it is the male who is required to make the advances, but while the female may feign non-interest really her desires are the same. Perseverance by any male will result in copulation simply because the female require sex as readily as food. The only reason a female will reject sex is if she is already satisfied, in exactly the same way that we will not eat at a restaurant. So the only task for a male is to ensure that he offers better sex than the next male. This is actually incredibly simple and obvious but for some reason the culture, at least the Anglo-American culture seems to reject this simple truth.
The female world is equally confused by this as the male world, primarily because the female is expected to reject the advances of the male even while she would like what is offered. This ironic nature of female sexuality is necessary i would imagine otherwise the male cannot perform his sexual role as the initiator and conquerer. Certainly I have taken women at their first word and it results in disbelief and confusion!
What I have been suprised by however is that there is no woman I have met who is after anything but sex. I suppose the problem revolves around the fact that women need to wait upon men for their sexual fulfillment because they take the passive role, while the man is at liberty to initiate sex whenever he so requires. This enables the man to take charge of his sexual behaviour and so the male can chose to be celibate. This seems much rarer for women. especially also because women primarily view their role as beautiful, desirable and the mothers of children.
So in reality the socialisation of sexuality has created a rather complex skin to what, underneath, is incredibly simple and just basic appetite which all humans share. The word "love" should banned because it is a misleading lie. It is simply the ego speaking about the object of its desire "MY love", "MY partner" etc etc
And upon seeing all this for the simple and quite uninspiring world that it is it makes it very much simpler to leave this intrique behind. There is no holy-of-holies :-) to sexuality, no hidden realms and undiscovered bliss that is worth fighting so hard for. Sexual satisfaction, intense orgasm, extreme sexual horniness and desire is more likely to open doors that it can't close rather than lead to profound states of mind and satisfaction. Any more than drug use can solve our lifes questions and problems. It would be interesting if anyone who knows otherwise would respond to this, but in my limited experience and the people I have spoken to this does seem to be the truth.
The female world is equally confused by this as the male world, primarily because the female is expected to reject the advances of the male even while she would like what is offered. This ironic nature of female sexuality is necessary i would imagine otherwise the male cannot perform his sexual role as the initiator and conquerer. Certainly I have taken women at their first word and it results in disbelief and confusion!
What I have been suprised by however is that there is no woman I have met who is after anything but sex. I suppose the problem revolves around the fact that women need to wait upon men for their sexual fulfillment because they take the passive role, while the man is at liberty to initiate sex whenever he so requires. This enables the man to take charge of his sexual behaviour and so the male can chose to be celibate. This seems much rarer for women. especially also because women primarily view their role as beautiful, desirable and the mothers of children.
So in reality the socialisation of sexuality has created a rather complex skin to what, underneath, is incredibly simple and just basic appetite which all humans share. The word "love" should banned because it is a misleading lie. It is simply the ego speaking about the object of its desire "MY love", "MY partner" etc etc
And upon seeing all this for the simple and quite uninspiring world that it is it makes it very much simpler to leave this intrique behind. There is no holy-of-holies :-) to sexuality, no hidden realms and undiscovered bliss that is worth fighting so hard for. Sexual satisfaction, intense orgasm, extreme sexual horniness and desire is more likely to open doors that it can't close rather than lead to profound states of mind and satisfaction. Any more than drug use can solve our lifes questions and problems. It would be interesting if anyone who knows otherwise would respond to this, but in my limited experience and the people I have spoken to this does seem to be the truth.
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Love n Death
Just talk a walk to the local cemetry to look at the muntjack deer. Male with 2 hinds and a nother 2 hinds seen. Also got to thinking again about this issue of death, separation, reproduction, sex and love. They are all connected but can't quite see clearly.
To be separated from someone requires 2 things. First that u have known the person and second that they are gone. The more u have known them the more the separation. Death of course is the greatest separation because the person is completely dissolved - it is existential as opposed to just obscurity between existing persons.
Now why is it that we form relationships with people? If we lived forever would we not naturally know everyone at some stage? If we were not separated already from people why the need to close that gap? We have not lived for ever, and we will not live forever so we gradually form bonds as time progresses and we gradually lose them just the same.
Friendship and love is born directly out the fact that mortality is in our very bones. We are separate from other people, and we know ultimately that they will be gone so we form bonds to try and stop that deep down inevitability.
Biologically it is the same. Sex is born from the process of reproduction, and that born from the process of death. Why have more kids if we lived forever? So the union between man and woman is born directly from the intrinsic fact that man and woman, humans in both sexual forms, are mortal and need to replace themselves after death.
Given all this I am beginning to see th irony in mourning the death of lovers especially but also friends. We becae lovers because we sort to cheat death by reproducing. We became friends because we tried to overcome the separation and finitude of our existence.
So it follows that for everything we do in the realm of relationship it is built upon its complete opposite - the dissolution of relationship, ultimately death. That Death walks among us is plainly evident wih every smile and handshake.
Now this is the bit I can't see. There was a stuffed animal in the bin at the cemetry. Such a poignant reminded of the brutality of death, that it cares for absolutely nothing and noone. I can feel nothing but hate for death. For death we are all our loved stuffed animals ripped from our beds and thrown unceremoniously into the rain. Really i don't hate often but for Death it is unsurmountable.
Yet I am trying to argue here that without Death, my sworn enemy, I would have no friends and no lovers at all! Indeed the world would crash together in a mass of immortal beings in all places and all times.
So the coming of spring, as it is now, and the blossoming of flowers heralding the marriage of the trees (my first poem written April 1997 and beginning a whole lot of stuff since!) the fragrances and colours, is all down to the hand of death challenging mortal trees to seek immortality.
So there is something else i see now! Death can only do what it does on a canvas of time which is unstoppable. Time and Death (rather than Being and Time ;-) ) are dancing entwined for every step that Death takes, Time will step over to the next moment and make a place for all those things that survived or were created anew. Or is it that Death is like a mould that spreads through all things, but growth is also like a mould that spreads through all things.
And between them Death and Time make Change which is the nature of all things because it brings them metamorphosing both growing and dying toward their complete dissolution.
So I have misunderstood the hand of Death and how I have it to thank for everything that I have rejoiced in before and which I now sadly miss. Indeed I knew this from the day I met my muse, I even wrote about it that first sleepless night, that our inevitable separation was the only thing on my mind now that I had met her. Indeed i understood but was afraid. More obviously I should have embraced our being together when it was together, and ebmraced our being apart when we were apart.
This is the nature of ignorance and attachment, and I have learned :-)
To be separated from someone requires 2 things. First that u have known the person and second that they are gone. The more u have known them the more the separation. Death of course is the greatest separation because the person is completely dissolved - it is existential as opposed to just obscurity between existing persons.
Now why is it that we form relationships with people? If we lived forever would we not naturally know everyone at some stage? If we were not separated already from people why the need to close that gap? We have not lived for ever, and we will not live forever so we gradually form bonds as time progresses and we gradually lose them just the same.
Friendship and love is born directly out the fact that mortality is in our very bones. We are separate from other people, and we know ultimately that they will be gone so we form bonds to try and stop that deep down inevitability.
Biologically it is the same. Sex is born from the process of reproduction, and that born from the process of death. Why have more kids if we lived forever? So the union between man and woman is born directly from the intrinsic fact that man and woman, humans in both sexual forms, are mortal and need to replace themselves after death.
Given all this I am beginning to see th irony in mourning the death of lovers especially but also friends. We becae lovers because we sort to cheat death by reproducing. We became friends because we tried to overcome the separation and finitude of our existence.
So it follows that for everything we do in the realm of relationship it is built upon its complete opposite - the dissolution of relationship, ultimately death. That Death walks among us is plainly evident wih every smile and handshake.
Now this is the bit I can't see. There was a stuffed animal in the bin at the cemetry. Such a poignant reminded of the brutality of death, that it cares for absolutely nothing and noone. I can feel nothing but hate for death. For death we are all our loved stuffed animals ripped from our beds and thrown unceremoniously into the rain. Really i don't hate often but for Death it is unsurmountable.
Yet I am trying to argue here that without Death, my sworn enemy, I would have no friends and no lovers at all! Indeed the world would crash together in a mass of immortal beings in all places and all times.
So the coming of spring, as it is now, and the blossoming of flowers heralding the marriage of the trees (my first poem written April 1997 and beginning a whole lot of stuff since!) the fragrances and colours, is all down to the hand of death challenging mortal trees to seek immortality.
So there is something else i see now! Death can only do what it does on a canvas of time which is unstoppable. Time and Death (rather than Being and Time ;-) ) are dancing entwined for every step that Death takes, Time will step over to the next moment and make a place for all those things that survived or were created anew. Or is it that Death is like a mould that spreads through all things, but growth is also like a mould that spreads through all things.
And between them Death and Time make Change which is the nature of all things because it brings them metamorphosing both growing and dying toward their complete dissolution.
So I have misunderstood the hand of Death and how I have it to thank for everything that I have rejoiced in before and which I now sadly miss. Indeed I knew this from the day I met my muse, I even wrote about it that first sleepless night, that our inevitable separation was the only thing on my mind now that I had met her. Indeed i understood but was afraid. More obviously I should have embraced our being together when it was together, and ebmraced our being apart when we were apart.
This is the nature of ignorance and attachment, and I have learned :-)
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
Some truths n sex
Well if i'm brutally honest there is no suprise that i have become confused!
If I ask my friends why they are married they say to a piece that they want companionship. Yet we had plenty of companionship down the pub, holidaying, looking 4 girls etc.
The completely obvious thing they get from a wife is sex. And now i realise that for all the complications this is the basic drive. The higher world is a million miles away in a completely different place. This is not love it is sex. If anyone ever asks why we want a girl, a lover, a wife it is for sex. Nothing wrong in that but its the truth and for some reason we hide behind other explanations. And if we want to know why we marry one girl and not another it is because they give us better sex and make us feel better, and the same works in reverse. It is not about love at all and it is a terrible mistake to think it is.
If someone does not make us feel sexually satisfied then we wont want a relationship with them - quite regardless of love or anything else and that has been my mistake to treat women as spiritual equals when obviously the reason for choosing them was sex.
There is more to say about the dynamics of sex here but no more about love. Again the cross roads are as perpendicular as ever ... do we seek sex or love however are the two clear sign posts... clearer today than ever before.
If I ask my friends why they are married they say to a piece that they want companionship. Yet we had plenty of companionship down the pub, holidaying, looking 4 girls etc.
The completely obvious thing they get from a wife is sex. And now i realise that for all the complications this is the basic drive. The higher world is a million miles away in a completely different place. This is not love it is sex. If anyone ever asks why we want a girl, a lover, a wife it is for sex. Nothing wrong in that but its the truth and for some reason we hide behind other explanations. And if we want to know why we marry one girl and not another it is because they give us better sex and make us feel better, and the same works in reverse. It is not about love at all and it is a terrible mistake to think it is.
If someone does not make us feel sexually satisfied then we wont want a relationship with them - quite regardless of love or anything else and that has been my mistake to treat women as spiritual equals when obviously the reason for choosing them was sex.
There is more to say about the dynamics of sex here but no more about love. Again the cross roads are as perpendicular as ever ... do we seek sex or love however are the two clear sign posts... clearer today than ever before.
Betty Blue and the beginning
Yesterday did some more archaeology to find out how i got to this position.
It all began in March 1994. I read Karl Jungs "Man and his Symbols" in the local library. Later that week i saw Betty Blue on TV and it left this lasting impression that haunted me for about 2 weeks or more afterwards.
The film is so beautiful, the colours, and especially Betty herself she is enigmatic and it got me thinking. In the film she kick starts Zorg's writing career by awakening the novel that he has stored under his bed. The film of course was a book originally. So what book is this that we enigmatically never find out? Well of course it is the book Betty Blue about the process of awakening that is portrayed by the wild force of nature Betty. It is a film about itself and at the end after she has died and been absorbed into the story itself (which carriers her name) he is left sitting at a desk and is asked, are you writing? And he replies, no I am thinking. And from that we realise that he has told the story all the way upto the moment in which he is then portrayed. The film arrives at a moment of incredibly profound self reflection as it tries to portray even more profoundly than with the icon of Betty the processes that have given arise to it. At that moment Betty is a real entity alive within the world - the creative process itself. For Betty read Anima figure from Karl Jung.
And so my project began, and I have forgotten how it began, to awaken that force within myself. To find my own Betty. And I suppose I did but for me Betty was truer to her character in my film for she was only that - the awakening of a literary and spiritual force within myself - and now I realise that maybe the biological and the real was as important for now it has gone, unlike Zorg I am not left with the awoken spiritual force as much as the loss of what was real. My muse always said she was the Realist and i always knew i was the Idealist i think i should have listened to her more.
It all began in March 1994. I read Karl Jungs "Man and his Symbols" in the local library. Later that week i saw Betty Blue on TV and it left this lasting impression that haunted me for about 2 weeks or more afterwards.
The film is so beautiful, the colours, and especially Betty herself she is enigmatic and it got me thinking. In the film she kick starts Zorg's writing career by awakening the novel that he has stored under his bed. The film of course was a book originally. So what book is this that we enigmatically never find out? Well of course it is the book Betty Blue about the process of awakening that is portrayed by the wild force of nature Betty. It is a film about itself and at the end after she has died and been absorbed into the story itself (which carriers her name) he is left sitting at a desk and is asked, are you writing? And he replies, no I am thinking. And from that we realise that he has told the story all the way upto the moment in which he is then portrayed. The film arrives at a moment of incredibly profound self reflection as it tries to portray even more profoundly than with the icon of Betty the processes that have given arise to it. At that moment Betty is a real entity alive within the world - the creative process itself. For Betty read Anima figure from Karl Jung.
And so my project began, and I have forgotten how it began, to awaken that force within myself. To find my own Betty. And I suppose I did but for me Betty was truer to her character in my film for she was only that - the awakening of a literary and spiritual force within myself - and now I realise that maybe the biological and the real was as important for now it has gone, unlike Zorg I am not left with the awoken spiritual force as much as the loss of what was real. My muse always said she was the Realist and i always knew i was the Idealist i think i should have listened to her more.
Tuesday, 6 March 2007
Love, Marriage & Sex
OK just a note but here are the 3 quite different entities.
Romantic Love evolves from belief in a unique and special self. Brought to its zenith during the bourgeois period along with the Romantics. Ownership and the glorification of individuals on the one hand matched by the great struggles to achieve union with equally unique and special partners. The cult of celebrity today replacing the days of heros, no suprise that celebrities are expected to find "love" with each other. There are 2 partners because the structure of consciousness places entities as objects of the subject. A "love partner" is the objective reflection of the subjects own belief in their uniqueness. I am king and you are queen.
Sex is the biological component. It involves all the emotions and feelings, the sensuality and joy at being with a member of the appropriate sex. There is selection here on a biological level, some partners being more chemically and gentically suitable. It strives for sex and pleasure in sex. It is not especially selective and is automatic if no restraint is applied. Obviously its goal - unknown to the protagonists is reproduction. There 2 sexes are a reflection of the evolutionary advantage of genetic mixing. By recombining genetic combinations in sex a much greater diversity is created for selection to work upon and so speeds up the evolutionary process so that organisms are more robust in th face of environmental variation. There are not 3 sexes because the increased problem of finding a mate would ofset the advantage of mixing.
Marriage is the social component. It provides a closed system of financial inheritance. It provides a limited system for spread of sexual disease. It reinforces the responsibilities of parents for their children. It encourages the conscious dynamics over the biological dynamics. Married couples are encouraged to limit their awareness to their partner only
Love again... Now given these understandings it is clear how a reproductive union should work. It is actually quite boring and nothing like the celestial dramas of romantic fiction, or the fiction i have involved myself with. A sexual union is born of sexual desire which has its culmination most likely in childbirth - unless restraint or incapacity intervene. It is mediated through marriage which provides the stable social bond. The proper love to be reflected then is between 2 quite ordinary people who do not idolise one another or view one another as particularly special, who simply agree to respect one another for the duration of the mutually satisfying encounter of reproduction, and who understand the pleasure that they give one another and are happy to offer that to their partner unconditionally.
Holy Matrimony. So what the place of God? In a world of self interest it is remarkable that humans do not end up fighting in a Hobbsian way. Indeed at times of social collapse they do as in civil wars. It seems that practically the only thing that keeps people from each others throats are the extraordinarily complex systems of allegiance and selfish compromise that divide peoples energies between a miilion factions and attitudes. The human world is indeed divided and it is that division that slows human endevour to almost a stand point - see the slow process of enriching Africa. So to with a sexual union. If the partners are in it for their own interests then it is simply a freak of coincidence that they are together at all. As soon as they start fighting the bond will break. The stabalising influence of marriage is that the bond or contract is viewed as more important than the selfish interests of the parts. This is the power of Law, that we have no choice but to submit to that greater force. This is the stabalising force of God, the ultimate force, below which we have no right to anything that is not given. So there is Holy Matrimony a force greater than anything i said above, a contract in the eyes of the most powerful, that will maintain respect and duty within a partnership even after the emotions, thoughts and body have withered. This is truely beautiful and a hark back to the Romantic idea that people are made for one another. However here it is by the grace of God that we are together, and not because I have found my perfect match.
Romantic Love evolves from belief in a unique and special self. Brought to its zenith during the bourgeois period along with the Romantics. Ownership and the glorification of individuals on the one hand matched by the great struggles to achieve union with equally unique and special partners. The cult of celebrity today replacing the days of heros, no suprise that celebrities are expected to find "love" with each other. There are 2 partners because the structure of consciousness places entities as objects of the subject. A "love partner" is the objective reflection of the subjects own belief in their uniqueness. I am king and you are queen.
Sex is the biological component. It involves all the emotions and feelings, the sensuality and joy at being with a member of the appropriate sex. There is selection here on a biological level, some partners being more chemically and gentically suitable. It strives for sex and pleasure in sex. It is not especially selective and is automatic if no restraint is applied. Obviously its goal - unknown to the protagonists is reproduction. There 2 sexes are a reflection of the evolutionary advantage of genetic mixing. By recombining genetic combinations in sex a much greater diversity is created for selection to work upon and so speeds up the evolutionary process so that organisms are more robust in th face of environmental variation. There are not 3 sexes because the increased problem of finding a mate would ofset the advantage of mixing.
Marriage is the social component. It provides a closed system of financial inheritance. It provides a limited system for spread of sexual disease. It reinforces the responsibilities of parents for their children. It encourages the conscious dynamics over the biological dynamics. Married couples are encouraged to limit their awareness to their partner only
Love again... Now given these understandings it is clear how a reproductive union should work. It is actually quite boring and nothing like the celestial dramas of romantic fiction, or the fiction i have involved myself with. A sexual union is born of sexual desire which has its culmination most likely in childbirth - unless restraint or incapacity intervene. It is mediated through marriage which provides the stable social bond. The proper love to be reflected then is between 2 quite ordinary people who do not idolise one another or view one another as particularly special, who simply agree to respect one another for the duration of the mutually satisfying encounter of reproduction, and who understand the pleasure that they give one another and are happy to offer that to their partner unconditionally.
Holy Matrimony. So what the place of God? In a world of self interest it is remarkable that humans do not end up fighting in a Hobbsian way. Indeed at times of social collapse they do as in civil wars. It seems that practically the only thing that keeps people from each others throats are the extraordinarily complex systems of allegiance and selfish compromise that divide peoples energies between a miilion factions and attitudes. The human world is indeed divided and it is that division that slows human endevour to almost a stand point - see the slow process of enriching Africa. So to with a sexual union. If the partners are in it for their own interests then it is simply a freak of coincidence that they are together at all. As soon as they start fighting the bond will break. The stabalising influence of marriage is that the bond or contract is viewed as more important than the selfish interests of the parts. This is the power of Law, that we have no choice but to submit to that greater force. This is the stabalising force of God, the ultimate force, below which we have no right to anything that is not given. So there is Holy Matrimony a force greater than anything i said above, a contract in the eyes of the most powerful, that will maintain respect and duty within a partnership even after the emotions, thoughts and body have withered. This is truely beautiful and a hark back to the Romantic idea that people are made for one another. However here it is by the grace of God that we are together, and not because I have found my perfect match.
Monday, 5 March 2007
My Lesson - no longer a romantic
Ego is the key to my passion.
The source of the desire to find ones other half - that partner who is as special as the moon is to the sun - is the wish to find the proof of ones own uniqueness.
That there are two sexes, that sexual relations is a partnership is an extraordinary coincidence.
But we know that we are just one in the crowd and that challenges our belief in uniqueness, yet we ignore that lesson, continue to think that our life is special amongst all the lives and we project this into the crowd to find that Other who is as special as we are. Our soul mate, our unique partner of destiny.
So why do we hold so tight to this belief in uniqueness - that belief that my beloved is unique that I am unique? Is it not because we dread the empty space that opens up in our life when we see that really we are just as accident of creation? What does my life mean, why are I here, what am I to do with this existence, how can i fill these days which i have been given but which seem completely arbitrary? That our death really means nothing and we wish to have people who will miss us and make that death important.
It seems such a waste to have no reason or meaning to it all. It makes me think that I am worthless, unvalued, irrelevant and so i run into the belief that I am something and seek those who will mutually support that dream.
And if she is beautiful, if she is really beautiful, if she can satisfy my deepest sexual desires, then my efforts to befriend her to make her special seem sugar coated, that I am being rewarded in every direction. I have a love to prove my worth, and a lover to prove my worth and I am satisfied within the walls of that illusion.
So i took a slightly different approach. I didn't want the sexual satisfaction - that was too obvious and cheap. I wanted to prove in a most profound way that I was special that my love was not a selfish love but a respect for someone who was truely different and valuable. And in idolising her and pushing her onto a pedistal I could then bask in the glory of being special myself. The ultimate proof that my existence was unique, real and special. But then I fell upon the petard of my repressed sexual desire, the lie that I did not fancy her and wanted her more than her existence came back to haunt me, and then i was robbed of her physical existence all together.
So while the arts are a true expression of the heart, too often they are filled with the existential dread of people seeking meaning and immortality through public expression, subjects and events to fill the void, too often a display case for the urgent passion to be unique and special and to prove that to the world. The craving to find solid ground upon which to build ones life. I think worst of the ballet Onegin.
So now to find that space between the sun and moon where they belong as partners in a cosmos of limitless diversity and beauty and to which neither has their own unique claim.
The source of the desire to find ones other half - that partner who is as special as the moon is to the sun - is the wish to find the proof of ones own uniqueness.
That there are two sexes, that sexual relations is a partnership is an extraordinary coincidence.
But we know that we are just one in the crowd and that challenges our belief in uniqueness, yet we ignore that lesson, continue to think that our life is special amongst all the lives and we project this into the crowd to find that Other who is as special as we are. Our soul mate, our unique partner of destiny.
So why do we hold so tight to this belief in uniqueness - that belief that my beloved is unique that I am unique? Is it not because we dread the empty space that opens up in our life when we see that really we are just as accident of creation? What does my life mean, why are I here, what am I to do with this existence, how can i fill these days which i have been given but which seem completely arbitrary? That our death really means nothing and we wish to have people who will miss us and make that death important.
It seems such a waste to have no reason or meaning to it all. It makes me think that I am worthless, unvalued, irrelevant and so i run into the belief that I am something and seek those who will mutually support that dream.
And if she is beautiful, if she is really beautiful, if she can satisfy my deepest sexual desires, then my efforts to befriend her to make her special seem sugar coated, that I am being rewarded in every direction. I have a love to prove my worth, and a lover to prove my worth and I am satisfied within the walls of that illusion.
So i took a slightly different approach. I didn't want the sexual satisfaction - that was too obvious and cheap. I wanted to prove in a most profound way that I was special that my love was not a selfish love but a respect for someone who was truely different and valuable. And in idolising her and pushing her onto a pedistal I could then bask in the glory of being special myself. The ultimate proof that my existence was unique, real and special. But then I fell upon the petard of my repressed sexual desire, the lie that I did not fancy her and wanted her more than her existence came back to haunt me, and then i was robbed of her physical existence all together.
So while the arts are a true expression of the heart, too often they are filled with the existential dread of people seeking meaning and immortality through public expression, subjects and events to fill the void, too often a display case for the urgent passion to be unique and special and to prove that to the world. The craving to find solid ground upon which to build ones life. I think worst of the ballet Onegin.
So now to find that space between the sun and moon where they belong as partners in a cosmos of limitless diversity and beauty and to which neither has their own unique claim.
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